Still, it would be nice if the college’s highest ecclesiastical official spoke conclusively about how far the prohibition extends. This lady has been all too taciturn in engaging a question of deep moral and ritual significance. A clergyman who is still vaguely associated with the now-vanquished Christian religion has appealed to the Office of Diversity for further clarification. Are we about to see a political scandal erupt if the fruit were to appear again on campus? The college’s future may involve a local Watermelongate.

Will students still be permitted to eat w————n in the dining hall? What about their dorm rooms and while snacking between classes? Perhaps there will be differing degrees of prohibition, depending on whether or not one is pursuing the path to PC perfection. Students might be allowed to munch on the fruit in private, but for those seeking absolute sensitivity, it will be necessary to practice total abstinence.

I have picked a middle path. Since I am hopelessly addicted to the fruit of sin and buy it even during the winter when it has to be imported from Chile, I could not give up eating it. But I can show verbal restraint by not mentioning the word designating that green thing with the red juicy pulp in the middle. That’s the least I can do to exhibit solidarity with those true believers.

There are other repercussions to be feared. Fights may soon be breaking out in the dining hall if the dreaded red stuff shows up in a fruit salad and students are unclear about how to address such a grave situation. Should they throw the pollutant into the garbage can, or are they supposed to burn the red, pulpy matter lest they contaminate themselves with a “racist” substance? What does a fastidious practitioner of PC do if some of the contaminant gets on his/her shoes while he/she’s walking near a supermarket? Is he/she required to destroy the shoes lest they become polluted by contact with racism? What should I do if I accidentally blurt out the horrible word at a fruit counter? Is there some penance I’ll have to peform, such as reciting the “I Have a Dream” speech fourteen times or attending the College Diversity Committee’s monthly meeting? Those of us who are not fully sensitized beg for instruction.