November 10, 2010
Dear Delphi,
One of my oldest friends and I do not have the same spending power. I always offer to pay for her dinner if we make plans together because I know she cannot afford it. This used to be fine, but now she doesn”t even pretend to offer to pay her part at the end of dinner anymore or say thank you. I am getting very irritated about the whole situation, but I don”t know how to address it. The idea of telling her I don”t want to pay all the time makes me feel uncomfortable. What can I do?
“Cash Machine in Milan
Dear Cash Machine in Milan,
You should not be the one feeling uncomfortable. She may be an old friend, but she is not acting like one. She is acting like a third-rate hanger-on. Any hanger-on worth keeping around should be complimenting you, thanking you, and entertaining you enough so that they manage to distract you from how much you are spending on their behalf. At the very least your friend should be gracious enough not to accept every invitation, and she should definitely be thanking you for dinner. You need to stop paying for her meals or stop making plans with her. Assuming you still want to be her friend, you should invite her out to dinner with at least four other good friends. They have to be good friends because you don”t need to humiliate her; you just need to send her a message. At the end of the meal, pay for your share and have one of the other friends ask her for her part. If you can”t handle the look she may give you or the shock, surprise, worry, and disappointment that may flash over her face when she understands the money train has stopped giving free rides, then plan to put down your card and go to the bathroom. You shouldn”t have to explain or excuse yourself; you really shouldn”t have to have a conversation about it at all. If she does have the gall to confront you, then you can be mean: Tell her you actually are looking for a new fun nanny, and you would definitely consider hiring her if she needs some extra pocket money.
Dear Delphi,
I really need to lose at least 10 pounds by mid-December; do you know of any fail-proof methods?
“Feeling Fat in Chicago
Dear Feeling Fat in Chicago,
There is only one surefire way to lose weight: Don”t eat. I am not suggesting you become an anorexic. I am suggesting you eat an amount of food that you, an eater, would consider to be “not eating.” This means roughly two fistfuls of food you like a day, not per meal, if you are in your 30s. Have you ever actually watched what the skinny people eat in a 24-hour period: salad, more salad, and maybe five crackers? Pick the person whose size you would like to be, assuming you know one and are not aiming for the scary bones-sticking-out-of-your-back look. Watch what she eats and follow suit. If you want to drink before mid-December, things may get tricky. You cannot eat, drink, and fit in your skinny jeans, so pick one. If you opt for drinking, this will require at least one very important skill: If you feel you have passed the point of acceptably drunk, and assuming you care, stop whatever you are doing”I mean fire-drill stop, mid-story if you must”and run home. Better to be a bit fat than throwing up two bottles of wine and one lettuce leaf on someone’s floor.
