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A recent find in Indonesia confirmed that 700,000 years ago humans stood just over three feet tall, around the same height of Dustin Hoffman, Tom Cruise, and the late Princess Margaret, sister of the late Queen Elizabeth II. The discovery confirmed that our ancestors were not built to play pro basketball in the NBA, nor up front when competing in volleyball. These tiny types lived as late as 50,000 years ago and were even smaller than the earlier hobbits.

How we got to be human has intrigued us taller types since we were much shorter. Often new evidence doesn’t square with what we thought we knew. I was taught that the first human male was Adam and the first human female was Eve. Then at university some atheist professor type claimed that the first human was a small-brained female unearthed in Ethiopia named Lucy. She walked erect on two legs and she was 3 feet 8 inches. She made the same sounds as Kamala, but no one understood them because no one was around. Lucy did not resemble today’s American female writers because she didn’t write, she wasn’t bitter or angry, nor was she of the current mood of confession about her companion’s inability to have an erection. Finally, she had never read a #MeToo story of exploitation. (Obviously Lucy was a very dull girl.)

Let’s take it from the top: Lucy was the first, but some anti-#MeToo types called her AUSTRALOPITHECUS, hinting she was part ape and part male. That was 2 to 4 million years ago. HOMO NALEDI came next, who might have lived as late as 100,000 BC as his extinction date remains unknown. What was known was his anger at being referred to as Homo, although his descendants are now rather proud of the fact. HOMO ERECTUS was next in line, and he became extinct only 70,000 years ago. Erectus was known for his height, one that reached five feet. Next up was HOMO NEANDERTHALIS, who historians claim became extinct 40,000 years ago but in reality still exists in places like New York City and San Francisco, and can be seen with the naked eye regularly mugging old ladies and pawing women. Neanderthals were around 5 feet 6 inches, but modern ones can reach much higher.

200,000 years ago HOMO SAPIENS evolved, and we finally had modern man and woman. Some grumpy types believe that Homo sapiens have downgraded humanity, but I’m not so sure about that, although the larger brain of Homo sapiens seems to me to work against them. There are scientists who agree and give Kamala Harris as an example of someone whose tiny brain works in her favor.

Just imagine, life was creeping and crawling about the earth 1.5 billion years earlier than previously thought. 500 million years ago creatures began moving around, and after the Cambrian explosion sparked the first vertebrates, life was here for good. Now it’s clear that Lucy was not the beginning of our evolution. Kamala-like brains and speech were around before. Lucy was just a branch that sprouted midway along the trunk of our family tree. Researchers have found fossils of hominins dating back to 6 million years.

That’s a hell of a lot of years, and some eggheads studying our ancestors now want to name these hominins Bidensis. Often these ancient fossils look like mosaics of other species. What it signifies is that the ancients were as naughty as some perverts are today; they practiced interbreeding, and I hate to think of the poor animals.

Life must have been tough back then, say, 300 million years ago. Amoebas were not blessed with speed, hence they clustered together to form a type of slug that moved to find a more favorable environment. They resemble today’s migrants, who constantly move in order to improve their social standing. Like the migrants, amoebas did it in order to survive.

Now we’re told that life got a move-on more than 2 billion years ago, thus rewriting the known course of evolution. Kamala was the prime mover behind the study, as she was anxious to prove that her kind was no arriviste. Professor Wolfshlegger of Cardiff University, from the university’s school of earth and ocean sciences, said: “It is plausible that Kamala’s organisms behind this phenomenon moved in search of nutrients and oxygen that were produced by bacteria on the floor of the White House by extinct organisms.”

Pavement graffiti that used to be used as timetables of the past now feels extinct. “Lost my virginity at this spot 275,000 years ago,” by one Joe B., seems recent. As do tiny types like Daniel Radcliffe with large feet, larger teeth, no chins, and receding foreheads. Another fact that has emerged is the lack of traffic signs that warned drivers that little people like Lucy and Dustin Hoffman were crossing and to look out for them. In Britain alone, 150,000 hedgehogs are trampled to death every year by careless drivers, prompting traffic signs to warn drivers to look out for them. Unfortunately, there are no signs warning drivers to look out for little people like Tom Cruise, or large people like Kamala with small brains. All in all, we now know that Homos are our ancestors and they had humanlike characteristics such as small brains and protruding jaws and shrieked like Kamala.