February 28, 2012
Eric Joyce MP
One can hardly blame such a (digital) philosopher for becoming violently frustrated when compelled to commingle with non-digital intellects. After all, we”re too harsh on humans sometimes.
There are yet more skills to his credit. Or perhaps that should be credit ledger, because in 2011 he distinguished himself by being the first MP to claim more than £200,000 in expenses. It was not the first time he had topped the prestigious list of MP expense claims, but he always had an excellent reason for everything. Asked why he had spent £180 on paintings, he responded with a connoisseur’s confidence””because they look nice.”
How could anyone dislike such a man? And yet behind the Perth-to-Parliament fairytale, there were mutterings of the kind that too often dog great men”anger mismanagement, a failing marriage, attempted coups among Labour activists trying to oust him, and a certain fondness for l’eau de vie that perhaps encouraged him to imbibe more than his fair share of the £5.8M of taxpayer-subsidized tipples in Parliamentary watering holes (how proud it must make Britons that even in these belt-tightening times we can still afford to underwrite MPs” refreshments). In 2008, he was banned from driving for six months. In 2010 as Shadow Northern Ireland Minister, he was widely criticized for suggesting that middle-class voters were liars, hypocrites, and racists. Ed Milliband may have been privately relieved when shortly afterward Eric was arrested for failing to provide a breath test after a motoring misunderstanding. He was fined £400 and banned for 12 months. He resigned his shadow ministry but”to quote the Record again””few shed a tear.”
Even if the preux chevalier from Perth is found guilty of assault, he can still serve as an independent MP if the sentence is under 12 months, drawing his full salary (plus expenses) until the general election. Labour may be unwilling to force a by-election because of the Scottish National Party’s present political balance. One Labour source said off the record to the Daily Record:
They really would rather have a nutter in that seat than a Nat.
Note how high the interests of Falkirk’s electors are ranked in this calculation.
Still, Eric’s rapid rise has passed its apex. As one anonymous Labour insider observed:
Eric Joyce’s political career is over…Many of us are amazed that he has never been deselected by his own constituency or taken off the candidates” list by the party. It’s been a complete mystery why he has survived this long.
The master communicator himself is more succinct. As he once wistfully observed in one of his soon-to-be-legendary Tweets:
Er, looks like that’s dead, then.
