Dear Cheating With My Ex and Affair Candidate,

Cheating “Don’t” Number 1. Don’t do it. If you are married, you are not supposed to cheat, period. I have it on very high authority that your soul will burn in hell if you cheat. “Thou shall not commit adultery” comes right after “Thou shall not kill.” So you can’t cheat unless you are a Muslim or a Mormon and are out shopping for a new wife and cheating is de rigueur.

If you do not believe in God, the power of his wrath, or the severity of his punishments—and if the idea of a horrific divorce, astronomical alimony payments, and only seeing your children every other weekend does not scare you—then by all means roll the dice. But you will have to be a Super Spy. You must become unparalleled in disguises, setting fake trails, and being able to overcome even the most excruciating interrogation methods.

Cheating “Don’t” Number 2. Don’t cheat with a woman who may have a vendetta against your current girlfriend. At the top of the list would be your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend. Beware the wrath of a woman scorned. These women will definitely tell on you if they are given the right incentive—such as realizing that you just wanted to have sex with them again but actually love the woman for whom you dumped them. The only possible way out is through effusive apologizes, constant self-deprecation, and a healthy sprinkling of flowers, gifts, and love letters to both women if you still think you can outrun the anger of the jilted.

Cheating “Don’t” Number 3. Do not cheat on your wife with a woman she knows or knows of. (Famous personalities she “knows of” do not count, unless you risk being photographed in a tabloid.) This means no women from the same gym or club—beach, book, riding, etc. No women from your children’s schools, and absolutely no women with whom you and your wife share mutual friends, no matter what country they live in! It is definitely neither acceptable nor sensible.

Cheating “Do” Number 1. Do have an illicit weekend with a total stranger—or better yet a prostitute—while on a fake or real business trip. If you love your wife or girlfriend and are just looking for a little fun in the sack, then keep it about sex and don’t confuse yourself or others. Give the stranger a fake name and number if requested. Do pick a woman that is “hot, sharp, and dry” as well as anything else you may be looking for in a weekend of fun if—and only if—you are paying for her services. Picking a non-prostitute you are attracted to when sober is like walking through a minefield; sooner or later you will get blown to pieces. Don’t risk it—pay for it!

Cheating “Do” Number 2. Be man enough to keep your dirty little secrets to yourself. Don’t leave little clues around the house, in your pants, or on your credit-card bills. It is not a treasure hunt! Your wife will not find a cute little leprechaun guarding a big pot of gold at the end, so don’t send her looking. The safest strategy is to create an alternate identity—leave absolutely no trail, whether paper or digital. Use different payment methods and different phones with a fake name that have nothing to do with you or your house. If you are not man enough to live with the guilt, then you are not mature enough to cheat. Even if your wife waterboards you, never tell. No good can come from admitting you are a big fat liar.

Cheating “Do” Number 3. Be nice to your wife, but not too nice—you don’t want her to sniff out the guilt. If you are a bad Super Spy and she is not half-dumb, she will eventually start snooping. If she starts asking questions, don’t snap at her; it is a dead giveaway. Stay calm and be nice.