February 16, 2011

David Cameron and Boris Johnson

David Cameron and Boris Johnson

“€œWhat about law and order?”€ implored an Albanian crime victim.
“€œWe will oblige the police to publish detailed local crime statistics every month,”€ Cam promised.
“€œIt will take them more than a month to write!”€ said a man in a Mackintosh raincoat.
“€œWhy do you say that?”€ asked Cam.
“€œBecause I am a policeman and you, by the way, are in danger of causing a disturbance.”€
“€œFurthermore,”€ Cam went on, “€œwe will create a new “€˜right to data”€™ so that government-held data sets can be requested and used by the public and then published on a regular basis.”€
“€œWe”€™ve already got that!”€ shouted a bigoted old woman.
“€œHe’s called Julian Assange!”€ yelled another.
“€œAnyway, who’s going to pay for this Big Society?”€ continued the bigot.
“€œThe banks are,”€ said Cam. There was a general outburst of laughter.
“€œWho are you kidding?”€ they hooted. “€œWhich planet was it?”€
“€œWe are going to have a special Big Society Bank and they are going to help small- and medium-sized businesses.”€
“€œNever!”€ howled the mob.
“€œIt must be hard being a stand-up comedian,”€ said an ex-undergraduate who couldn”€™t afford the fees.
“€œAnd they will be doing this for nothing, I suppose,”€ inquired an old campaigner.
“€œWell, not exactly,”€ said Cam. “€œThey will be charging a normal commercial bank rate plus a bit to make their bonuses stack up.”€
“€œMaking profits, then.”€
“€œIt’s a wizard plan,”€ Cam screamed above the din. “€œIt’s going to be called Project Merlin and I will lead the initiative personally to victory!”€

Another wave of raucous laughter followed.

“€œYou and whose army?”€ shouted a redundant one-legged soldier.
“€œHe’s right, you know,”€ said Foxy, who had only just arrived. “€œWe haven”€™t got one.”€
“€œLord Wei has given me his word. I have a document to prove it,”€ shouted Cam.
“€œThat’s what Chamberlain said!”€ came the response.
“€œI”€™m afraid to say that Wei just left,”€ Foxy whispered to Cam.
“€œWe know what you”€™re up to,”€ slobbered a man with horrible lips who was standing opposite Cam. “€œYou think you can break up the public sector by getting rid of public servants and trade unions. You think that you can get thousands of poor sods to work for nothing while their businesses go under because the banks won”€™t provide them with the help they need. And in the meantime you and your greedy private-sector chums can get as fat as that pulpit poof scarecrow over there.”€
“€œI say steady on,”€ grumbled Boris.

Police reinforcements were arriving, and just in time, as people had begun exchanging blows.

“€œI never even got onto health and welfare and things like that,”€ said a disappointed Cam.
“€œBetter leave it, old chap,”€ said Boris, “€œand while we”€™re about it, I would chuck that utopia rubbish in the river.”€
“€œWhat a shame,”€ muttered Cam, tearing up the pages and hurling them into the stream. “€œSo much for ideology; it never even floated. Do you think there was a leak?”€
“€œIt was riddled with holes,”€ said Boris, “€œrather like old Major Currie’s Back to Basics. Come on, let’s go round to Cleggy’s for a kick-about.”€
“€œHe hasn”€™t got a ball,”€ said Cam.
“€œHe is the ball,”€ said Boris, and they both burst out laughing.

Cam suddenly grabbed Boris’s arm.

“€œI”€™ve just had a brilliant idea,”€ he cried, “€œIt’s called multiculturalism.”€
“€œWhy not leave it for another day?”€ Boris chuckled.
“€œAll right,”€ said Cam.

And they all lived in coalition ever after.

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