Hunter Biden

Source: Public Domain

As Christmas approaches, many of us face the prospect of spending time captive in the company of embarrassing relatives—a fate that even affects the highest in the land. Down the years, America’s presidents have had many black sheep in the First Family, perhaps none greater than Bill Clinton’s wife, Hillary.

Bill sometimes shamed Hill by inserting his cigar inside a young female employee behind closed doors, so she famously went one better by establishing a Satanism club beneath a pizza restaurant before drinking the blood of small children in the basement there in wild thirst for their tiny bodies’ stores of tasty adrenochrome—or so says the internet. According to lizard-obsessed British conspiracy theorist David Icke and his partner in blood libel Arizona Wilder, Hillary is actually an ET demon who possesses the surprising ability to shape-shift into a dinosaur.

Another prominent embarrassing political relative with his very own page full of nefarious doings on Icke’s lizard-unmasking website is Hunter Biden. The great conspiracist thinks being a lizard-demon runs in the family for various ruling clans like the Bushes, Trudeaus, and British Royal Family. And, as Icke accurately calls Joe Biden himself a “CULT-OWNED, SEMI-CONSCIOUS PSYCHOPATH” in this insightful meme, and “THE DARK, SINISTER AND SENILE FRONT-MAN FOR FASCISM” in this one, it would seem entirely plausible that Joe too is just yet another green, blood-swilling reptoid-man from the constellation Draco. It therefore logically follows Hunter Biden must be one too.

Alien Sex Fiend
According to conspiracists, adrenochrome is produced within human bloodstreams via extreme drug-induced stimulation, sexual excitement, pain, or pure terror, possessing some weird innate quality that enables the lizards who quaff it to maintain their eternal youth in spite of their tormentors’ necessarily debauched lifestyles. If so, recent allegations from the latest of Hunter Biden’s many court cases seem to provide conclusive proof he has devoted the majority of his adult life to sparking the production of this chemical substance in both his own body and those of his many innocent victims.

According to the latest allegations laid against Hunter by special counsel for the prosecution David Weiss, the president’s son spent years blowing cash on drugs, prostitutes, fast cars, pornography, sex clubs, crack cocaine, and ludicrously overpriced hotel rooms, all whilst dodging handing over as much as $1.4m due to Uncle Sam (in effect now his own dad) in unpaid taxes.

Bizarrely, Hunter sometimes even wasted money renting more than one hotel room for the same night. Why would any ordinary human being need to do that? Unless, of course, like a typical Draconian space-lizard, Hunter Biden possessed the paranormal power to bilocate, like an evil Padre Pio? Hunter now faces a potential seventeen years behind bars in punishment; that’s another single-room roof over his head the U.S. taxpayers will be shelling out for from their own pockets, then.

Ledger of Sin
Between 2016 and 2020, special counsel Weiss alleges Hunter earned over $7m; his ex-wife Kathleen Buhle further alleges that, in 2017, Hunter slashed his monthly support payments to her and their three daughters by 90 percent, from $17,000 to $1,700. An accounts table for Hunter’s spending across the four years of nonpayment of taxes drawn up by Weiss shows him pissing a very exact $4,907,813 up a wall on unnecessary sybaritic nonsense between 2016 and 2019.

Some of the entries are very interesting in regards to Biden Jr.’s apparent financial illiteracy. Under the heading “Payments—Various Women,” it seems he blew some $683,212, whilst squandering a further $188,960 on “Adult Entertainment.” In terms of “Loan/Mortgage Payments” over this same period, he shelled out $191,873. So, over four years, Hunter’s outlay on housing outpaced that of his spending on strip clubs and subscriptions to online pornography alone by as little as $2,913.

Given this, did he not realize it would have been far more financially efficient to have simply taken out a mortgage on a whorehouse? Then he could have ordered its female employees to pay their rent in kind, thereby at least halving his expenses, and leaving him with plenty of dollars left over to pay off the feds with. That’s Bidenomics for you.

From Russia With Hired Love
Helpfully, Biden Jr. has provided posterity with a comprehensive record of his own degeneracy, Marquis de Sade-style. Evidence from Hunter’s infamous “Laptop From Hell”—you know, that one the media told you was wholly invented by Vladimir Putin—appeared to demonstrate that, in May 2018, Biden Jr. hired an “elite courtesan” (sex-trade speak for “massive slag”) from a now-defunct L.A. escort site named Emerald Fantasy Girls.

Idiotically, before leaving it with a random stranger in a shop to be repaired in 2019, despite being a millionaire, Hunter had narcissistically decided to use said computer as a “digital diary” of his exciting, adrenochrome-fueled life as a drug-addict ET sex monster. According to this electronic photo-diary, a delightful new doxy named Yanna promptly arrived at Hunter’s hotel room, where he smoked crack, she drank vodka (Yanna was Russian), they both had sex and made amateur porn, and, weirdest of all, he attempted to wow her by placing a line of M&Ms on his erect penis before photographing it as an amateur penile weightlifting stunt. If he had managed to balance an entire full tin of Quality Street on the thing, I might have been impressed.

In a much more impressive feat of human endurance, Yanna stayed with Hunter, desperately swallowing vodka to get herself out alive, and vowing never to eat another M&M ever again, for several straight days, before eventually demanding he pay her some $8,000 of what was essentially your stolen money. Hunter allegedly then tried to pay her using several different credit cards, but payments kept on being declined, possibly due to their chip-and-PIN circuits being all clogged up with coke. Eventually the payments were processed, however—all of them, meaning the escort agency got paid over $25,000 rather than $8,000.

Pleasingly for the taxpayer, Hunter subsequently got most of his cash back—Russian prostitutes can always be trusted! Less pleasingly for the taxpayer, he seems to have spent way more than he saved on almost $70,000 of extreme dental surgery, possibly to repair his crack-ravaged teeth.

Hideous photos of him smiling wide for the camera found on his laptop initially appear to show that, in order to demonstrate his innate affinity with the Irish race, Hunter had paid to have his new choppers stolen to order direct from Shane MacGowan (Irishmen do love their craic). Actually, however, these were what his trashed teeth looked like before cosmetic surgery: pointed, jaggedy, and unnaturally uneven…rather like those of a blood-drinking lizard-man from outer space, maybe?

The Art of the Deal
Naturally, once all this stuff came out, Hunter promptly began posing as a victim. Now clean, he has published an autobiography, Beautiful Things, which has been acclaimed as showing “real beauty” in how “vulnerable” he once was, back when systematically defrauding the taxpayer whilst off his head on smack. In a recent podcast, Hunter has accused his critics, or “Republican motherfuckers,” as he prefers, of being “not healthy people” like he is, and of “trying to kill me,” apparently by saying so many mean, nasty things about him that he kills himself, thereby upsetting his dad Joe so much he drops dead on the spot too, thus “destroy[ing] a presidency.”

“I’m proud of my son,” Biden Sr. has said in the past—even though his son has in the past committed misdemeanors like having an affair with his dead brother’s widow in order to help the pair lessen their shared “very specific grief,” been dismissed from the U.S. Navy reserves after testing positive for drugs on his first day in uniform, and sired an initially unacknowledged daughter with a stripper of whom he claims to have “no recollection” (Alzheimer’s must run in the family).

Interestingly, in recent years, Hunter has turned to art as a form of therapy—of a financial kind. His pieces are abstract infusoria-like patterns produced on highly resistant Japanese Yupo paper onto which he has to blowalcohol-based ink through a straw as many as fourteen times in a row; largely because, the first thirteen times, he can’t resist drinking it.

Despite looking like cheap 1970s mass-produced curtain patterns aimed at hippies, Hunter’s abstract canvases now sell for absurd sums of up to $500,000 each to either complete idiots or (so it has been scurrilously guessed) persons in search of deniable political influence over his father. Helpfully, this means he is now able to make child-support payments to his latest love-child in the shape of such works rather than in actual money. His first sales exhibition, in 2021, reportedly raised Hunter $1.4 million…precisely what he owed the taxman, a debt his lawyer says he has now paid off!

Up Off the Canvas
According to Hunter’s current dealer (of art, not drugs), Georges Bergès, Joe Biden himself will one day be remembered not primarily as a great president “but, most importantly, as the father of a great artist.” Well, he got the first part right.

Bergès’ statements about his most lucrative client make the whole thing sound like a marketing gimmick: What he likes most about Hunter’s art is not simply its (alleged) aesthetic worth, but what it reveals about his “personal narrative.” As Hunter’s art is billed as therapy for his past misdeeds, it essentially grew from them, becoming a visual narrative of personal redemption. Today, people like Hunter should no longer be ashamed of their sins, but proud of them—sins are highly marketable things now.

Ever since van Gogh chopped off his ear and sent it to a prostitute, it has been growing increasingly fashionable for artists with no actual talent to dubiously pose as tortured geniuses and sell themselves on those grounds instead. Hunter Biden follows suit: Expect him, as Ali G once misremembered van Gogh’s own feat, to “chop off his knob” and mail it to Yanna from Emerald Fantasy Girls any time now, complete with glued-on M&Ms as a kind of Surrealist Object.

In George Bergès’ own emetic words: “Hunter’s story reflects what I believe is the beauty of humanity, judged not by the fall, but by having the strength to rise up, by having the character required to change and the courage to do it…. Hunter Biden will become one of the most consequential artists in this century because…in a world that beats us down, we need art in our lives that reminds us of the unrelenting divinity within each of us.”

Jesus Christ—that almost makes Hunter sound like Jesus Christ! In fact, if you look at this absurdly pretentious and sycophantic write-up of Hunter’s daubings from leading U.S. art critic Donald Kuspit, Biden Jr.’s canvases are nothing less than attempts “to save his soul not simply express it.” As some of his pieces are named after Catholic saints, Kuspit suggests such holy men’s own sacred lives of imitatio Christi are now being attempted anew by Hunter, with his art beating a redemptive path toward the former sinner’s forthcoming ultimate divine union with the Godhead.

Well, anti-Christian cynics always did like to joke that Jesus spent a lot of His time in the Bible hanging out with prostitutes. I don’t remember Him doing any crack, though.

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