St. Paul's Cathedral, London

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According to Percy Bysshe Shelley, poets like him were the unacknowledged legislators of the world; nowadays, that role has been usurped by left-wing comedians. That is the only conclusion to be drawn from the recent meeting between the Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby, leader of the Church of England (CofE), and the Anglo-Danish lesbian humorist Sandy Toksvig for a “calm and considered” conversation over coffee, in which she verbally bashed the Archbishop for the CofE’s continued refusal to conduct full-blown gay weddings in their churches.

Whilst the CofE has agreed to perform blessings for same-sex couples like Toksvig and her own lovely lesboid lady wife following legal civil marriage ceremonies held elsewhere, this was not enough for the diminutive QI host.

St. Sandy of Lesbos asked Welby if he “could just come out,” not as an actual homosexual, but as “a gay ally.” Welby declined to do so, saying Anglican progress on gay unions was likely to be “glacial,” which did not satisfy his QI Queer Inquisitor. “I do not intend to wait upon the Church,” Toksvig pronounced, warning ominously that “I will…see what can be done,” rather raising the question of which one of them thought they were the actual head of the Church of England here.

Toksvig is not even a Christian, but a humanist, yet still explained how Welby’s refusal to recant his heresies meant that the CofE “and the society it purports to represent are not remotely in step.” But which particular society does the CofE “purport to represent”? That of actual Anglican Christian believers, or one of random left-wing celebrity media atheists who arrogantly imagine that the limited liberal circles they inhabit must automatically stand in perfectly for wider society as a whole?

Jokers to the Left of Us
In 2022, Toksvig had already penned an open epistle to Welby and his “finely frocked gang” criticizing the CofE’s allegedly homophobic attitudes, which some may simply prefer to describe as being “scriptural” in nature. Then again, Toksvig appears an expert in biblical exegesis, having alone divined that the tale of Sodom and Gomorrah being blasted to fiery atoms in Genesis 19:24 was not about God “condemning loving same-sex couples” at all, as traditionally assumed, but was a heartening parable about “sexual violence and the importance of kindness to strangers.”

Toksvig complained of receiving “several credible death-threats” from Anglican evangelicals down the years, and pointed to 2021 figures claiming LGBTQ youths were twice as likely to “consider” (not “commit,” please note…) suicide than their straight peers, the implication being that the CofE’s stance was driving vulnerable teens straight toward their unnecessary deaths like Jesus herding the Gadarene swine over their collective cliff edge.

Unless the bishops mended their murderous antigay ways, Toksvig threatened never to set foot in a church again, but, given she is a humanist, why would she even bother? It would be like Osama bin Laden threatening never to visit any more synagogues. “Let me talk you round,” Toksvig added, in the merciful, tolerant manner of Christ Himself. “You never know, I might even forgive you.” Sandy frames this as a joke, but many a true word is spoken in jest and all that.

The Sin of Pride
As Welby failed to immediately bend over the altar and assume the desired position, in February Jesus Jr. instead used her dominating rainbow bully pulpit to launch a petition calling for the removal of the CofE’s historic right to appoint bishops to the House of Lords, on the grounds that, together with Iran, Britain was the only country where representatives of the State religion automatically got seats in the national legislature, thereby implying London was as bad as Tehran. By April, 160,000 people had signed Toksvig’s entreaty: If Britain really was Iran, the ruling ayatollahs would gratefully use that as a handy list of those lesbo-leaning infidels to be immediately rounded up and executed for spreading what Shia courts call “corruption on Earth.”

Toksvig poses as a victim, but, as an intersectional lesbian Danish midget, she ticks all the right diversity boxes to be a modern-day secular saint, so her stance received support from many British MPs, who threatened to repeal laws allowing the CofE to govern itself, so the State could control what is supposed to be an independently governed religion instead—you know, like they do in Iran. Sanctimonious Labour MP and ex–CofE vicar Chris Bryant (or “Captain Underpants,” as he became known after posing on a gay dating site in only his undies in 2003) accused the CofE of “causing very real pain” to sodomites, much like the act of sodomy itself often does.

But if Toksvig has received death threats from Anglicans for her support for gay issues, what about the corresponding case of Samuel Margrave, a lay member of the CofE General Synod (governing council) who has himself received death threats “day and night” due to his own opposition to these very same gay issues? At one point Margrave, like Toksvig, needed police protection from potentially violent nuts—but unlike Toksvig, Margrave was later investigated by the police for alleged “hate crimes” himself, after tweeting statements about the incompatibility of Queer Theory with Christianity, comparing Gay Pride promoters to child-groomers.

And who reported him to the cops? The Bishop of Coventry, the appropriately named Rt. Rev. Dr. Christopher Cocksworth. “As a Diocese, we believe everyone has the right to feel safe online,” declared Cocksworth’s Cocksuckers in a statement: everyone except Margrave, obviously, who was sent images of dead bodies by the usual #BeKind well-wishers.

In 2022, Margrave ran for the General Synod on a platform of ending the CofE’s collusion in the “sexualization of children,” receiving more votes than any other candidate, perhaps because he was actually a Christian. As a consequence, he was deluged with abuse online, over the phone, and in person, from LGBT campaigners, clergy, and the CofE’s so-called “Inclusive Church” [sic] group, soon needing panic buttons and CCTV. Reportedly, support he had previously received for multiple disabilities from his local diocese was then “coincidentally” withdrawn.

Margrave’s the real oppressed martyr here, not Toksvig. The institutions of actual power are all on her side. “The people in the Church who should be supporting me the most have closed ranks against me,” Margrave said; in February, even Archbishop Welby himself rebuked the anal apostate in an official letter, demanding a public apology. Three times, they all denied his name before cock-crow. That’s what you call gay abandon.

Sacrificed on the Altar of Political Correctness
Although too polite to mention it to Sandy over their shared lunch of coffee and moral blackmail, Archbender Welby has seen a fair few unnecessary sexuality-spawned deaths himself down the years. He once visited a mass grave of 330 Nigerian Christians murdered by neighbors who had heard rumors of the CofE one day accepting gay marriage. The paranoid killers argued that “If we leave a Christian community here we will all be made to become homosexual” too, so they slaughtered them all before this could happen.

If the CofE really did begin performing full-blown gay marriages, Welby has in the past explained, “the impact of that on Christians far from here, in South Sudan, Pakistan, Nigeria and other places [i.e., ones with Muslims] would be absolutely catastrophic.” As so often occurs with homosexual acts, the Archbishop is thus placed in an impossible position.

By the CofE refusing to officiate gay marriages, Toksvig claimed, “The lives of LGBTQ people are at stake here [in Britain]” via emotionally manipulative threats of teenage suicide. Welby could easily have argued back that, by agreeing to celebrate gay marriage, the lives of untold thousands of innocent Christians in Africa and the Middle East would be placed at rather more credible threat from Islamists instead. Toksvig presents this entire issue as existing in an abstract moral vacuum, in which her desires float happily free of any and all potential negative real-world consequences—Welby should have explained otherwise.

Non-Western Anglican communions in the Global South Fellowship of Anglican Churches (GFSA), who account for around 75 percent of Anglicans worldwide, are overwhelmingly opposed to the allegedly “universal” values of queer evangelists, calling even Welby’s new wishy-washy compromise semi-blessing of same-sex unions “ungodly and devilish.” A formal split will thus occur between the GFSA and the “revisionist” Mother Church of Canterbury pretty soon—Nigerian bishops aren’t terribly keen on seeing their parishioners piled up in mass graves for some reason.

Yet certain English CofE officials, like leading Anglican LGBTQ advocate Jayne Ozanne (“UNASHAMEDLY GAY, UNASHAMEDLY CHRISTIAN,” screams her unashamedly biased, unashamedly hysterical website), seem blasé about this prospect. “Priority has been given to saving a man-made institution over protecting LGBTQ+ people’s lives,” a disapproving Ozanne has said, conveniently forgetting all those dead Nigerians in their burial pit. Any religion whose own leaders openly describe it as “man-made” can’t expect to last long in the marketplace of global belief—even Scientology pretends to be real.

It may come as a surprise to certain trendy Western vicars, but elsewhere, many Anglicans actually believe in God and take His Word seriously. Toksvig and her ilk preach that the CofE exists to serve the whole of society, but the whole of any society does not hold the exact same views on any given issue, so in reality Canterbury has to choose who it really exists to serve here—Christians or lesbians? Apparently, it has chosen lesbians. No wonder, given recent attendance figures, the CofE in England itself appears to be rapidly dying.

Happy Easter! Jesus may once have Risen again, but if bad angels like Ozanne and Toksvig have their way, the CofE certainly won’t.