The Week’s Most Straining, Paining, and Summer-Waning Headlines WITCHY? POO! Turns out it didn’t take boycotts, DeSantis, or screaming “groomer” on X to finally snap Disney out of “woke.” It just took a billion dollars. The success of Deadpool & Wolverine—which crossed $1.1 billion ...
The Week’s Most Reasoning, Treasoning, and Hurricane-Seasoning Headlines UGH In 2020 a 32-year-old Injun went missing in British Columbia. Sidney Mantee couldn’t be found anywhere (“Man-Tee” is his tribal name due to his talent for holding balls at the first hole). When the RCMP visited ...
The Week’s Most Colonial, Demonial, and Closing-Ceremonial Headlines CHIMPS LOSE FACE When chimpanzees attack, they go for the face. And while the story of Travis the face-eating chimp is well-known, less publicized is that of NASCAR driver St. James Davis. Davis owned a chimp named Moe, but ...
The Week’s Most Rustic, Fustic, and Augustic Headlines ROMA WASN’T BILKED IN A DAY Gypsies, tramps, and thieves We’d hear it from the people of the town They’d call us gypsies, tramps, and thieves But every night all the men would come around And lay their money down [In Norm Macdonald ...
The Week’s Most Sciatic, Rheumatic, and Olympiadic Headlines THE LONG HOT SUMMER GAMES In the immortal words of Orson Welles, “Muah-ha-ha the French.” Arrogant when they should be humble (rude to tourists for no reason), humble when they should be arrogant (surrendering their nation to ...
The Week’s Most Sheltering, Peltering, and Sweltering Headlines HONEST GAYBE The problem with declaring everyone gay is that eventually you run out of heroes to spotlight because gay stops being special. Ever since LGBTOs (“BTO” because “You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet” is the anthem of ...
The Week’s Most Supping, Cupping, and Surf’s-Upping Headlines ALOUWITLESS, GENTILE ALOUWITLESS The French word for “wave” is “vague,” from the Latin vagus, which means “uncertain” and “wandering.” And the French decided to apply it to crashing tides, which are neither ...
The Week’s Most Griping, Piping, and Stars-and-Striping Headlines SILENCE VOW? AUDIENCE SAYS “WOW!” Last week A Quiet Place: Day One landed a franchise-high opening box-office tally of $114 million. The Quiet Place saga is set in a dysgenic earth ruled by blind, flightless space pterodactyls ...
The Week’s Most Blazing, Crazing, and Dog-Dazing Headlines JUDGE FUDGE 1992’s The Distinguished Gentleman starred Eddie Murphy as a jive-talkin’ brutha who impersonates a deceased congressman, and 2003’s Head of State starred Chris Rock as a jive-talkin’ brutha who becomes president when ...
The Week’s Most Bacterial, Venereal, and Juneteenth Funereal Headlines MR. FREEZE MEETS MR. FRIES Another Juneteenth, another body count as America’s blacks celebrate the freedom to murder each other. Incidents in Texas, New York, and California were Juneteenth business as usual. Unique this ...
