Every year, AskMen.com comes out with a list of the “top 99 most desirable women.” They are allegedly chosen democratically: they claim six million votes were tallied for this contest. I have to wonder at this, as, well, my tastes differ. Either I’m a madman in need of spectacles, or there are six million Americans who don’t know a desirable woman from a mantis shrimp. Alas democracy either way.

This contest is apparently limited to “celebrities,” which I guess means people who spend a lot of time in Los Angeles. Since Los Angeles is a land of cocaine, herpes, rubber bazooms, all night booze ups, and group gropes, I guess it isn’t much surprise some of the results aren’t particularly edifying. What boggles me is how people seem to accept it uncritically. Oh sure, these women aren’t fat slobs, and most of them aren’t completely deformed, but they don’t look like the top 99 of anything to me.

Think I’m exaggerating? Consider number 97, hipster porn star Sasha Grey. Like most men who have access to the internet, I’ve seen Sasha Grey naked. Unlike some of these men, I never understood her appeal. She looks like an 18-year-old girl who smokes a lot of meth; a sort of commodity found in many trailer parks nationwide. Her clothed photos are worse; in the one I linked to, she looks like some kind of alien being with painted-on eyebrows and a mouth misshapen from hoovering miles of male genitalia. In her blurb she claims, “It’s a pleasure to be considered this year along with Conan O’Brien…” Either Miz Grey is confused as to what the AskMen top 99 most desirable women contest is, or … what a woman is. Somewhat surprisingly, Conan O’Brien was not among AskMen’s top 99 most desirable women, but he may as well have been.

Think I’m picking on the homely ones at the bottom end? Well, let’s look at the number 14 most desirable woman in the dystopian AskMen world. Erin Andrews looks like someone left her out in the sun too long. Really, someone should tell these ladies that tanning ruins the skin. I mean, look at the flesh on her chest; I can feel my naughty bits retracting back into my abdominal cavity while contemplating it. What’s wrong with her face in this photo? The masculine brow ridges … the squinty, beady eyes, the mouth lines; chrikey, she looks sort of like my cousin Lucas when he had long hair. Is she the 14th most desirable woman in the world because she likes sports? Many women like sports, and don’t look like roadkill in a wig. Yes, yes, perhaps I am being too hard on her, but this photograph is horrific. The girl who served me the coffee which fueled this tirade is far more natural, sweet, and pleasant to look at, has better skin, and I have her telephone number.

Moving up to number two in AskMen land, Marisa Miller. I mean, the athletic development of her abdominal muscles is very impressive, but it isn’t real, well, feminine. Neither is her jawline in this photo. Erm, or in any of the other photos, which verge on skeletor freaky looks. Marisa Miller is probably really attractive to the type of gay fellow who is attracted to an adolescent boy, but she looks positively weird to me. Sure, she’s striking: strikingly weird. Her features are asymmetric, her jawline masculine and her bodyfat composition not particularly female. Sure, she’d make a better date than the average Americano tub of lard, but … second most desirable woman in the world? Not in my world.

Miz Miller brings up an issue I’ve noticed with more than one female celebrity: there often seems to be something, well, endocrinologically wrong with these women. They have … square jaws, arms, deranged avian expressions on their faces, masculine brow-ridges; they look, well, male. I’m no endocrinologist, but I do have a few speculations about this; and I thoroughly believe these women have testosterone levels higher than most male physicists I’ve worked with.

How did they get this way? Well, I know for a fact that lots of female athletes and celebrities take anabolic steroids. Why would they do this? Well, for one thing, the more androgens you have in your body, the easier it is to shed body fat. That’s why teenage boys are so skinny. An agreeable side effect of androgen use is they also make you insanely horny. Probably, this makes hot tub parties more fun. Again, think about teenaged boys for example. Because I’m pretty sure what you’re looking at in a good fraction of AskMen’s top 99—genetic females who are endocrinological teenaged boys with plastic jahoobies sewed on. While it’s probably fun sleeping with women who hoover anavar off of Brad Pitt’s forearms, the long term results aren’t pretty. Unless you like women whose jawline you can exfoliate on.

This state of affairs wasn’t always so. Women in the golden age of cinema were amazing creatures. Hedy LaMarr, in addition to oozing feminine sexuality, was a bona fide genius. She invented spread spectrum radio transmission along with composer George Antheil. What modern “empowered” Hollyweird celebritard has done anything remotely approaching this? Veronica Lake, despite being respectably clothed in all of her appearances on the old movies was a sex goddess. Through the mists of time, her high cheekbones, sultry looks, lovely figure and natural gushing femininity arouse my admiration far more than any of the women featured in AskMen’s list.

These women of yesteryear were lovely, elegant, feminine and sexual without being trashy. They didn’t have personal trainers, plastic surgeons or even much in the way of makeup compared to today. Heck, they didn’t even have proper brazierrres in those days; yet these old school movie stars are far more attractive than the modern celebritards. You might argue I’m taking some exemplars, but go look at the lady sidekicks on a three stooges movie: obscure women from the golden era of cinema. I’d take any of ‘em over the entire AskMen top 99 slathered in crisco and delivered on a fork truck to my chambers.

I don’t know how this state of affairs came about. Were I the paranoid type, I’d wonder if this wasn’t some fiendish plot cooked up by planned parenthood or the Bilderberg group to keep the population down. Looking at the weirdoes who are supposed to be “top 99,” I’m not inspired to slay dragons, build a civilization, or even engage in any reproductive acts. They mostly make me want to crawl into a cave and pray for deliverance. Is everyone so exceedingly sensitive they can’t laugh at the freakshow foisted upon us as avatars of femininity? Is our culture so deranged they actually think these women are attractive? Does the glamor of the television machine fool people into thinking name-brand women well past their expiration dates are still hotties? I don’t know the answers to any of these questions, but I do know that my perfectly pedestrian, nerdly social life contains more beauty than AskMen’s silly list.