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5. LORNE MICHAELS IS XENOPHOBIC ABOUT HOMOSEXUALITY

The Saturday Night Live founder is often criticized for not having enough gay comedians, and the industry gasped when John Roberts didn’t make the cast, but I don’t think it’s because Michaels is a homophobe. I think he sees comedic gayness as a different culture from his audience’s demographic. “Gay” to him is a separate genre of comedy like shticky Catskills comedians or redneck comedians such as Jeff Foxworthy. He’s not against it; he merely thinks it belongs elsewhere. I believe this is a retarded belief, but I hate to inform you it has nothing to do with “hate.”

6. HANDICAPPED PEOPLE MIGHT BE SHITTY AFTER ALL

As a middle-class kid from the 80s, I was taught that deaf people are basically me without working ears. We were taught that blind people are just like the president, only they can’t see. Whatever the person’s handicap, it doesn’t deflect from the rest of their abilities. We swallowed this medicine like it was delicious, because it was.

But in Central and South America, the consensus flails in the other direction: If your son is handicapped, he’s shitty and God hates him so you should be ashamed of him.

I have known hordes of special people, and every time I ask their handler about their afflictions, I always get a laundry list of problems that seem very loosely tossed together. Their tone seems to be, “They’re just fucked-up in general.”

Graduation rates in deaf high schools are way below the national average, yet isn’t most of school about reading books and writing essays? Why do you need ears for that? I asked someone with a deaf sister about this, and she said the averages are pulled down because the majority of deaf people have a ton of other problems and are basically retarded.

Being deaf or blind does not mean God hates you. It only means you probably have other problems and really aren’t like us at all.

7. BLACK MEN ARE MORE PRONE TO CRIME BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT AROUND WOMEN ENOUGH

Few deny the figures that say blacks are disproportionately likely to commit crimes. Most of my friends say blacks were driven to this existence because whites deny them opportunities. Others say they commit the same amount of crimes as everyone else; they only get busted more because cops are racist. One guy in a bar told me it’s not their fault and if you were black, you’d be more prone to crime, too. Why? Because you’re harder to see at night (swear to God, he said that).

Another crazy theory is the whole thing comes down to testosterone. Having more man-juice than others makes you more likely to do more manly things like fornicate, defy authority, and fight.

I’m inclined to agree with a variation on the latter. Black-male lifestyles are a sausagefest, and that makes them more troublesome. Adult black males tend to be single and either live alone or with a bunch of other dudes. When they aren’t in all-dude prisons, they tend to have more labor-intensive jobs, and that means work time is all dudes. Not being in a committed relationship means playtime is also primarily dude-based.

Did you know that America has plenty of coed prisons? You’re not allowed to make out, but you can go for walks in “the yard” together. To walk counterclockwise on the track means a couple is dating; to break up, they do one clockwise lap together. Ask any prison warden how these prisons compare to male-only prisons: “When men are around women they’re calmer,” the imaginary guard in my head just told me over some beers. Then I high-fived him for confirming something I already knew to be true.

8. DAVID CROSS MADE COMEDIANS LIBERAL

The reason comedians have locked onto politics is not because they care, but because it became a trend and they latched onto it because the winners were doing it. David Cross helped pioneer the modern comedy scene. He cut his chops in Boston along with Louis CK, Sarah Silverman, Janeane Garofalo, and everyone else who now runs the comedy world. He had way more anger than his peers because he grew up in the South as a New York Jew with a deadbeat dad. When he talked about politics it was sincere and well-informed. That excited the other slackers, so they filled in their own knowledge gaps with his enthusiasm. And it stuck. Today basically every comedian that I like talks about current events like they’re imitating an angry New York Jewish kid who just graduated from high school in the South.

9. DIETS WORK BECAUSE YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU EAT

The only “trick” to losing weight is recognizing the shockingly obvious truth that YOU NEED TO BURN MORE CALORIES THAN YOU TAKE IN—doye! This basic fact isn’t fun, so diets focus on gluten or carbs or protein or a whole litany of randomly chosen rules. When you enforce rules on an eater, he has to stop ignoring what he eats and make well-thought-out decisions. You could have a diet that said you could only eat things that are red and green, and it would work. A diet could tell people they can only eat things that start with the letter “B,” and it would do just as well as quitting gluten or carbs. It’s not about the specific rule; it’s about the need to have rules.

10. KOREANS ARE DISPROPORTIONATELY CHRISTIAN BECAUSE MACARTHUR WAS HORNY FOR A WOMAN CALLED “DIMPLES”

This is one of my favorites, so don’t touch it. During the Battle of the Philippines, MacArthur took up with a naughty half-Filipina mistress nicknamed “Dimples” who completely blew his fucking mind. She fellated him and allowed anal, the latter of which was totally unheard-of back then. (Blowjobs only came to America after soldiers first experienced them in France during WWII). When the going started to get tough, MacArthur ignored his orders and insisted his troops persevere. A big part of what got him out of bed in the morning was seeing her big, fat, yellowy ass shining like a rude sun.

Eventually, a truce was declared and South Korea was shielded from the Red Menace. This half-victory made MacArthur into a messiah of sorts. This is why modern Koreans have no problem going to a church where the deity on the wall is white rather than yellow. If only they knew, as I will continue to know, that the whole thing was based on an Asian fetish.

The End.

Stamped.

No erasies.