November 25, 2010
6. GRAFFITI ISN”T VANDALISM
It’s an expression. You see, the poor are muffled by the powers that be and have no choice but to scream their message from the brick walls that imprison them.
What I learned: If a restaurant owner pays $1,500 to replace the glass someone wrote their nickname on in etching cream, he is violating the First Amendment.
7. IT’s RACIST TO DISCUSS OVERPOPULATION
In an Environmental Science class I asked why we weren”t discussing overpopulation. Mother Nature can take a kick in the crotch from a few people, but when ever-expanding generations do it successively, she collapses. Unfortunately, you can”t criticize overpopulation without citing immigration as its cause, and lefties hate that. This is an issue that later split the Sierra Club in two and arguably started a civil war within the entire Green movement.
Then things got really weird. The professor implied I”m a racist. “Are you sure,” she asked with the tone of an aristocrat discussing cutlery blunders to one of her manservants, “you aren”t simply angry that it’s nonwhites who are, as you so deftly put it, “overpopulating”?” I actually was sure I didn”t mean that because I had no idea whitey was the only one not breeding.
What I learned: Math is racist.
8. ANDREW JACKSON LOVED KILLING INDIANS
About a year before he died, I heard Howard Zinn state those exact words during a talk in New York’s Cooper Union. I was catapulted back to the 80s, where professors cherished his People’s History and happily digested every word as fact, even though every word was nothing more than a politician’s emotions. The Trail of Tears wasn”t pretty, but the simple truth is that after 200 years of warring with the Indians the president said, “Like it or not, this is America now. You can become American or you can fight it.” The natives chose to fight and lost. The Indian wars raged on for another century. Not sure how you dug up a love of killing Indians from that.
What I learned: Our history is a bunch of drooling white sadists massacring innocent victims for sport.
9. PUTTING A FINGER IN SOMEONE’s EAR IS RAPE
Though this was taught in Women’s Studies, it was also a general understanding throughout the school. What started out as a way to destigmatize rape and encourage open discussion ultimately raped the word “rape” of all its meaning.
First we were told that there’s no difference between assault and rape. The latter only seems like a bigger deal because of the taboo. If you feel that way, I highly suggest you try being the victim of both and get back to me.
You back? The rape was a little more invasive, wasn”t it?
Then we were told a man needed explicit permission for every move during an amorous encounter. After you put your hand on her leg you are required to ask, “Are you OK with this?” The end result was that intercourse felt a lot more like child molesting than it did a normal adult sex act. Eventually, we were told any touching that wasn”t clearly greenlit was considered rape, even putting your finger in someone’s ear (something we had been calling a “Wet Willy” since kindergarten).
What I learned: I am a serial rapist.
10. IT’s OKAY TO HAVE AN ABORTION UP UNTIL A YEAR AFTER THE BABY IS BORN
Our Introduction to Philosophy professor was also the head of the Communist Party of Canada. He explained that the abortion debate hinges on when a fetus becomes human. Some say at conception; others will wait until the last trimester. He then argued one only becomes human when one displays “characteristics that do not include nonhumans.” Stay with me here: Monkeys can do everything an 11-month-old baby can do. They can feed themselves and move around the room and recognize faces. Therefore, a monkey is just as human as an 11-month-old. After about a year, the child’s capabilities surpass a monkey’s and thus it has no nonhuman peers. Only then can it be considered a human being.
What I learned: If you see a baby in a pram, it is perfectly ethical to walk over and brain it with a ball-peen hammer. If the mother starts screaming, she is clearly uneducated (poor woman).
