Sasha and Malia Obama

5. They Display Jugs
What the fuck is Fiesta Dinnerware? I’m told it’s a very special kind of culinary ornamentation with jugs so gorgeous, they need to be put on display all over the kitchen—even if there’s 17 of them and they will never be used for any kind of beverage, ever. 

6. All Black Women Straighten Their Hair
Every time a black British or Canadian person visits me, they are shocked at how few African American women let their hair do its natural thang. This is a country where Beyoncé is considered a great role model for black girls, advertising shampoo for blondes despite the fact that: A) It’s not her hair and B) She can’t get it wet. When black women can’t afford ridiculously expensive weaves, they keep their hair wrapped in a scarf and everyone feels sorry for them like when people in LA don’t have a car.

7. They Are all Patriotic
Go up to a frothing-at-the-mouth extreme anarchist revolutionary who is burning the flag and tell him his hometown sucks, and he will punch you in your face. Even the most anti-American Americans will get a tattoo of their state’s outline and tell you who was on their town’s football team in 1975. They also think your town sucks and assume the ultimate argument-settler is, “Yeah, but aren’t you from CANADA?”

8. They Mutilate Their Genitals
If the Sugar Crisp bear jumped out of the TV and cut your dick off, you’d say, “Hang on a minute!” Here in America, the guy from Kellogg’s Corn Flakes told everyone circumcision is mandatory because it prevents masturbation and the entire country said, “OK.” They still do. This country was founded by Puritans who hated thinking about sex, so Americans haven’t put much thought into the whole cutting-a-baby’s-dick thing. Whenever I ask them why they did it to their son, they usually say something like, “I don’t know. I guess I wanted it to look like his dad’s?” Are there a lot of father/son penis photo shoots I’m not privy to? Oh yeah, they also never say “penis” or “vagina”  to their kids and prefer using annoying nicknames like your “peeny” and your “area.”

9. Their Vocabulary Ain’t Great
The word “eponymous” is a great way to refer to a self-titled LP and it’s hard to talk about government spending all day without using the word “profligate,” but when you use big words in America, you get this “Well, la dee da, look at you” kind of vibe that can kill the conversation. Similarly, speaking French in public, even to a French person at a French restaurant, is like going to Harlem dressed as a Klansman.

10. Doctors Believe in Creationism
At first glance, this sounds like the country has driven off the deep end into crazy town, but I’ve spoken to some of these doctors and it’s not like they deny the existence of dinosaurs and think the dodo bird was some kind of cruel joke. They acknowledge there’s a free market in nature and a stupid appendage you never use will eventually get phased out. They just think God is the one who set it up. Fine. You believe a magic guy set up the first domino, I think a magic explosion did. Now we’re splittin’ hairs.