January 31, 2014
6. SLAM-DANCING PREPARES YOU FOR BEING ATTACKED
When you have three kids, you are in a mosh pit 24 hours a day. Even sitting down to read the paper means one kid is wrapped around your neck while the other two use your back as a “daddy slide.” This can be incredibly irritating if you’re not used to being mauled, but spending your formative years in the mosh pit means you have no problem with people jumping on your head.
7. SKINHEADS ARE GIANT BABIES
They’re bald, often racist, and will hit you in the face for no reason whatsoever. We spent years dealing with these boneheads, so when I’m holding a little Buster Bloodvessel and he slams me in the face, I know he’s just a needy child looking for attention.
8. YOU UNDERSTAND TOTALLY INSANE IDEAS
A lot of the punk ethos was about rejecting authority and thinking for yourself, which is very healthy. However, the “anything goes” philosophy often drifts into WTF territory. They passionately sing about how awesome it is to be on welfare, insist Jesus is dead, and tell you that shaved women are collaborators (whatever that means). Being bombarded with such intense levels of ridiculosity your whole life prepares you for the incredibly weird shit kids say. About once a day my son informs me that “The Bob Marley has begun” and he will usually add, “Scientists say, when you read a book to love, you just fall apart.” I totally get both concepts.
9. NOISE SOUNDS LIKE CLASSICAL MUSIC
Though there are a few poppy jams such as “What Do I Get” and “I Want Candy,” most punk music is a cacophony. Most songs are just angry people yelling at you while their friends strangle and smash instruments in the background. Most would hear the intro to “Government Flu” and think their speakers are broken. Old punks think it’s serene. So when your daughter starts hollering, “Hey, hey, hey, I’m a Batman” while your son bangs on the garbage and the baby clangs pans, you think, “Oooh, I can’t wait until the chorus kicks in.”
10. YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHY DRUGS ARE BAD
All drugs are bad for you, but most parents are incapable of explaining exactly why. As someone who watched about 12 people die from heroin, I can say, “Look at it this way, kid. You can fuck an 8 who has no STDs or you can fuck a 10 that has AIDS. Mixing a tiny bit of pot with a lot of beer is a great high that’s 80% as good as heroin. Why play Russian Roulette for that extra 20%?” Pot makes movies funny, but it kills your ambition. One Molly pill makes music better, but you”ll bad-trip when you get older. Adderall is just speed, and we saw what that did to Lemmy. Cocaine won”t kill you, but it will turn you into a paranoid douche. Oh, and don”t pour hard liquor up your ass. It will give you alcohol poisoning.
In the end, being a good parent isn”t just about imparting the lessons you”ve learned. It’s about living with really weird roommates who speak gibberish, punch each other, and regularly shit their pants. In that sense, I can”t really tell the difference between being a teenager and making three future teenagers from scratch.
