August 01, 2014
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6. THEY”RE ENTHUSIASTIC
Jamaican nannies are always on the phone. They don”t play with the kids. They monitor them. They”re more security guards than babysitters. Instead of getting involved with what the kids are doing, they sit on a park bench and say, “Me no fe why you use black pudding on dat” to their cousin in Queens. They”re worse than Pakistani cab drivers.
Young nannies are too busy playing tag with the kids to check their phone. They”ll get involved with the Lego house the kids are building and even suggest a stoop. They make movies with the kids and when you get home you get to see how your child interacts with someone else. Young nannies go way beyond the call of duty while the foreigners do just enough to not get fired.
7. FOREIGNERS ARE MEAN
I don”t know what goes on in the Philippines, Jamaica, Poland, or Latin America but it must require some ridiculously strict discipline. Here in the West, we want well-behaved children, but they don”t need to be ready to take on Jemaah Islamiyah at any given moment. We”re not at a training camp, and if the only time you interact with the kids is to scold them, the only thing they”re learning is what a cunt is.
8. YOU CAN TALK TO THEM
You are inevitably going to hang out with these people before or after you go to work. Making small talk with a foreigner ain”t easy. Especially when they have this antiquated view of class where the help isn”t meant to be talked to. There are so many taboos with them. You can”t talk about their kids back home. You can”t even talk about the country they come from. Judging by the conversations I hear them having on their cell phones, it’s pretty much recipes with or without black pudding. That’s boring and I don”t particularly enjoy paying money to feel uncomfortable in my own home.
9. THEY HAVE GREAT GOSSIP
“Hold on, the previous family you worked for asked you to brush their teeth? Oh, just the dad? That’s even more bizarre!” I”m a total fag when it comes to gossiping, as is anyone who is being honest with themselves (in Scotland “Nosy as ever” is a common retort to “How are you?”). Young nannies can”t wait to tell you about the rich couple in L.A. who suggested they wrestle together and the couple who divorced because the mom became a lesbian. Where old nannies make you feel like you”re sitting with your friend’s mother-in-law, young nannies make you feel like Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens Live.
10. DIVERSITY IS A WEAKNESS
I”m all for the kids learning about the wonderful world of multiculturalism but let’s get our own culture down first. The West is the best and they need to understand that before they accidentally take on the foibles of more primitive cultures.
Jamaicans have customs almost as backward as Africans and believe washing your face with rice water enables you to see ghosts. That’s not just untrue. It’s fucking scary.
In parts of Latin America, they don”t let blind people vote. Handicapped children are something to be ashamed of and when they grow up, they are relegated to the outskirts of society, hence their 80-90% unemployment rate.
Filipinas are likely Christian, which is nice, but I don”t want the kids thinking worship includes crucifying yourself.
And Poland, well, there are Polack jokes for a reason.
The subtext of all this is “illegals are doing jobs Americans won”t do.” I am sick to death of this trope. We have been brainwashed into thinking we could not survive without immigrants. I grew up in an America without Mexicans. It’s called Canada. You know who does the landscaping and fruit picking and factory work there? Young people. I paid my way through college planting trees and cleaning buildings. It gave me the economic libido to become an entrepreneur. Hiring an immigrant nanny is wrong for a million different reasons. You are stealing a mother. You are taking an American’s job. You are teaching your children about a shitty culture. The West is built on thousands of years of trial and error. We”re not different. We”re better. Let’s start teaching our kids this basic truth.
