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A British court has just made a surprising judgment. According to reports, David Spencer, a 56-year-old soccer fan, was convicted and fined £1,375 for hurling racial abuse at a 15-year-old brown boy in the stands at a game, after allegedly chanting the impolite invective “You’re a P***. You’re a P***. Turn round. Watch the match.” The punishment sounds a bit harsh to me: If printed accurately as above, Mr. Spencer didn’t even call the boy a Paki.

Possibly taking this act of highly considerate verbal self-asterisking into account, magistrates did not initially issue the miscreant with the further available sentence of a “banning order,” preventing him from attending any future matches. Prosecutors thought this too lenient, though, so they made an appeal to a Crown Court judge—a rare sensible judge who, observing there was derogatory “banter” going on between two rival sets of opposing fans that day, each “giving as much as they were getting,” pronounced Spencer’s original penalty more than enough.

This steadfast refusal of the judge to buckle pleased me immensely, not because I think you should go around randomly calling nearby children Pakis, but because I’m old-fashioned enough not to consider calling other humans hurty-wurty names to be even remotely a police matter. Sadly, censorious British bobbies increasingly disagree. The latest proof comes in the case of Georgia Venables, an Englishwoman dragged into an actual court of law for displaying a joke car-bumper sticker reading “Don’t be a cunt.” Evidently, the arresting officers didn’t understand how to follow instructions.

The Grievance Factory
Mr. Spencer’s case reminded me of how my late uncle used to work in a local car-manufacturing plant in which the main way the bored factory-floor employees got through the day was by ostentatiously insulting one another nonstop about any and all of their “protected characteristics,” as we are solemnly enjoined to call them nowadays.

One such worker was a Pakistani, whom, predictably enough, the others habitually referred to as a “Paki.” He took no offense and called them “white bastards” right back, realizing it was all intended in a spirit of crude jest, with nary a mention of the magic word “racism” at all.

One day, however, a new employee turned up on the shift and innocently asked the Pakistani whether he happened to be an Indian. Subcontinental ethno-religious tensions being what they are, it was all the other workers could do to hold their colleague back from twisting the new boy’s head off right there and then with a wrench, before ululating down the neck hole.

Ironically, it turned out the true racist in the factory happened not to be white. Even more ironically, the car company in question, Jaguar Land Rover, was later bought out by Indians.

You can tell this was all quite some time back, of course—not only because the Pakistani didn’t sue his employers for several million pounds immediately for being racially insulted, but even more so because at that point he was still the only Pakistani working there. Inhabitants of Great Britain were made of sterner stuff back then, no matter their pigmentation. No longer. In our era of excessively easy offense, the kingdom’s increasingly infantile citizens can be upset by literally anything.

Simple Twists of Hate
I have written previously on this site about the ludicrousness of the U.K.’s present Non-Crime Hate Incident laws. An NCHI is a contradictory form of “crime” that isn’t legally a crime at all, but which has to be officially investigated by the police as if it is one anyway, Franz Kafka-style. NCHIs are framed in such an ambiguous manner as to allow anyone to interpret literally anything as being a subliminal insult against them, even farts on the other side of the street.

A new investigation into NCHIs revealed U.K. Keystone Cops were wasting their own time looking into incredibly “distressing” and “offensive” events like the following:

(1) Someone rearranging novelty letter-bearing “alphabet cups” to spell out “a rude word” on shelves in a supermarket. Reports did not specify what precise “rude word” it was, in order to avoid offending people.

(2) A motorist disagreeing that their car should have failed its MoT roadworthiness test at a local garage.

(3) Someone expressing the view that being pansexual was not really “a thing,” perhaps because it isn’t.

(4) A schoolgirl calling a classmate “a Polish twat” online after the two had fallen out.

(5) A soccer supporter (not David Spencer) singing an insulting chant about rent boys.

(6) A woman finding a dead cat next to her bin.

(7) Someone complaining a dog owner may have potentially named their pet after a well-known celebrity homosexual.

The most elaborately paranoid such NCHI came when police recorded that a duo of “known offenders” had “hung a very large soiled pair of underpants” on their washing line for what was deemed an abnormally long period, which their (presumably white, but possibly suntanned) Italian neighbor somehow interpreted as being a skiddy slur against her racial heritage. Had the neighbor involved actually possessed poo-brown skin, this allegation might at least have made more sense.

Insults to Intelligence
It’s a good job U.S. readers, sheltered as they are by the First Amendment guaranteeing freedom of speech, don’t have NCHIs too, as it appears modern-day Americans are every bit as easily offended as the British. According to data released by the Pew Research Center last August, 62 percent of Americans think that “people being too easily offended by things others say” is a “major problem” in the country today.

One randomly chosen online list provides the following oversensitive all-American examples:

(1) A driver being offended by her passenger putting on a seat belt as she “thought I was commenting on her ability to drive.”

(2) An HR commissar refusing to allow directions to an employee’s home to be given out to his coworkers, as he lived in a place called “Gay Street.”

(3) A fireman being piously lectured against calling an item “flame retardant,” lest it offend any emotionally flammable retards in the vicinity—such as the person complaining, perhaps. (Don’t show that particular retard this recent Takimag article with a similar punning title, or they’ll really go up in flames.)

(4) A woman haranguing a parent that her baby should not be allowed to wear a shirt with a NASA logo on in public because “he’s clearly not an astronaut.”

(5) A prudish restaurant-goer complaining about a sign saying “Condiments available upon request,” as diners should really be expected to bring their own rubber prophylactics along.

(6) A pair of old ladies getting upset at a Shakespeare performance that they considered excessively politically correct because “Othello was being played by a black man.”

Nonetheless, increasing America-wide touchiness or not, the idea that the cops might turn up on a U.S. doorstep one day just because you’d left some ploppy underwear out in the vague presence of a foreigner seemed unthinkable even in the bad old Biden-Harris days of about two weeks ago. Here in the NCHI-ridden U.K., things are rather different. It’s why I’m always so incredibly careful not to write anything that could be considered potentially offensive by hair-trigger demographics like Pakis or Itis in my own articles on this website.

We’ll Wipe Them Off the Map!
Not having any NCHIs conveniently to hand, offense-seeking American race hucksters et al. have just had to seek out other desperate means of enforcing their desired regime of preening linguistic censorship instead.

Under President Biden over the past four years, the federal government embarked upon a wild spree of renaming hundreds of supposedly unbelievably racially offensive and harmful American place-names nationwide. I suppose you can see why some of them were bowdlerized thus; turns out there was a place in Arizona called Squaw Tits, now known as Isanaklesh Peaks. Now that Trump’s back in office and busily renaming American toponyms himself along defiantly non-woke lines, he should quickly redub it Twin Peaks in honor of the late David Lynch. Or just change it back to what it was in honor of Elizabeth Warren.

Yet some of the names U.S. Year Zero activists wanted erasing forever were simply bemusing. What’s wrong with a place called Anna, Illinois? Apparently, if randomly capitalized for no good reason, ANNA secretly stands for “Ain’t No Niggers Allowed”—or so the misinformed campaigners said.

Should we rename Tolstoy’s great novel Karen Karenina henceforth, then? After all, there were no black people allowed to appear in that either, just a lot of self-entitled, moaning, privileged white women like the one referred to in the title. Meanwhile, who was truly going to be offended by the fact there was a place called Devil’s Tower in Wyoming, exactly? Jesus?

A mere short year ago, to mark America’s Black History Month 2024, several “racial justice” groups listed the above silly place-names as being ones “that perpetuate stereotypes and hate,” as “the living legacy of white supremacy,” demanding the Democrats surgically remove all of them from U.S. maps too, just like Squaw Tits. They evinced pseudo-medical evidence that to refuse would be to make non-white American schoolchildren ill and maybe even KILL THEM, as racism “truly is a disease. Racism and its effects can lead to chronic stress to children. And chronic stress leads to actual changes in hormones that cause inflammation in the body, a marker of chronic disease.”

Dropping Names
Yet I can’t help but feel some of the names targeted for ideological replacement were less “harmful” than simply amusing, particularly to kids. Mad toponyms like Big Negro Creek in Illinois, and Darky Knob in Kentucky, would surely just make most mentally normal schoolchildren who encounter them start laughing, not crying, as lefty campaigners implied.

I still remember coming across a British hill called Brown Willy on a map during a childhood geography lesson long ago. “I’ve got one of those,” said the single non-white child in the class. How damaged did he sound by the experience? (The prominence’s puerile name could also be considered potentially highly LGBTQ+-friendly, if you stop to think about it—especially as the name probably derives from an old Cornish term meaning “Hill of Swallows.”)

According to one Black Lives Matter nomenclapuritan, however, forcibly wiping Darky Knob clean was the first step toward unleashing a whole new racial utopia out upon the land: “In a nation plagued by poverty, injustice and hopelessness, changing racist location names is a simple fix.” Yes, it’s certainly much more of a “simple fix” than creating any practical useful policies to actually address such genuine difficulties as “poverty, injustice and hopelessness,” isn’t it?

The modern world is full of many problems. Shitty undies hanging on a line, naughty chants at soccer games, or obscure place-names that sound amusingly like black men’s penises are surely not primary amongst them. No offense, but are these soap-swilling morons out of their minds?