Source: Bigstock

As already reported on Takimag, there are plenty of lunatic theories out there at the moment about what really started all those California wildfires currently raging. Jewish space lasers? A sinister attempt to destroy and cover up evidence of the crimes of P. Diddy, or the true origin of all those mystery UFO drones I wrote about on this site last week? Or, even more laughably, was it all the result of something even more outlandish and fictional called “global warming”?

These are hardly the stupidest theories out there about what may secretly be causing natural disasters across the world, however. The direct opposite to wildfires are floods—destructive phenomena that, according to one woman, may well all be down to the even more destructive phenomenon of straight white maleness.

Water Torture
Tammi Gissell is an Australian dancer and museum worker who, to look at her, you would think was white. But, as with Ali G, appearances can sometimes be deceptive, and she identifies as being “Blak”—not simply “black,” that’s something very different, apparently. Specifically, she is a Muruwari-Wiradjuri woman; or an Australian aborigine, to you or me. She’s also very queer indeed.

In 2023, in her capacity as the resident dancer and indigenous scholar in Australia’s Powerhouse Museum chain, Gissell was invited to join in a Powerhouse-sponsored forum called “Queering Climate,” whose participants mainly hailed from queer Polynesian/Micronesian/Melanesian-type backgrounds.

Here, the island daisy chains of the Pacific region were acclaimed as being inherently transgender somehow, Australasia as a whole supposedly being “a fluid oceanic continent” whose native non-white inhabitants had been sexually amphibious, as it were, until colonized and oppressed by wicked white European Christians, who had cruelly forced them to think of themselves as fictional beings called “men” and “women.”

Contributors to the forum were full of strange statements about how “all of the four genders worked in unison” across Australasia before the white man came, and Tammi Gissell herself emitted equally odd utterances like these:

The river is queer, it can flow this way or that, depending on its own needs. It doesn’t need a nameless, faceless gatekeeper in a high tower doling out her currents. True flooding is natural. True flooding is queer. For to queer something is to simply take another course to where you need to be. Queering is a natural part of surviving in and on Country [i.e., in the natural, pre-colonized Australian landscape]…. Only those capable of queering the utterly abnormal courses set by the ignorant and the greedy [i.e., Western river engineers] will be living in true responsiveness and service to Country.

What does Gissell mean by this, apart from “Give me a job, I’m gay and Blak and can vomit all the associated fake academic lingo accordingly”?

Simply that, by attempting to control nature—for example, by building flood defenses, dams, canals, or rerouting rivers—human beings were actually only making the resultant eventual floods in places like the Australian outback even worse.

But only one specific particular class of humans are ever responsible for this whole disastrous trend, of course: white male heterosexual ones. After all, the Abos never built any reservoirs, did they?

Why Are Canals So Straight?
Rivers are naturally wavy and “queer” in their nature, unlike man-made canals or irrigation channels, which are, literally and figuratively, “straight.” To try to force a wavy river into a straight channel is akin to a form of forced liquid gay-conversion therapy, it might be said, an abuse against Nature. As a fully trained professional dancer, however, Gissell herself claims to be inherently fluid in both body and soul, like a gracefully curving and arcing river:

I’m a dancer by trade. Everywhere I go and every step I take there is conscious thought about the way that I sit in space and the way that space sits around me. It’s my job to keep stories in me, and to keep them in a state that they can be brought forward and brought back.

As a fully paid-up lover of musical theater, Gissell’s true alleged job—i.e., poncing around the museum to the accompaniment of a rhythmical beat looking all bendy and fluid—is to act as the metaphorical river of imaginative counterpoint to the straight, rigid, set-in-stone (because otherwise it would fall down…) architecture of the white man’s Mother Nature-raping museum.

Widening this self-ascribed salvational role out from the white man’s museum toward the wider white man’s industrially altered landscape within which the building itself sits, Gissell comes to realize that being lesbian (or bi or trans or genderqueer, whatever she actually is) somehow holds the solution to the entire alleged climate crisis. As she says:

We need queer bodies in action. In this sense, I guess we’re queering the climate of these colonial architectures by offering alternative courses to the rigidities that they’re founded on. I think I’ve actually come to realize in chewing over this that a healthy climate is already queer. That it’s the colonial architectures imposed upon Country which need to be removed or queered themselves in order to get our climate back in balance. Colonial architectures of the mind…combined with the stone-cold constructions upon Country, hampers the natural flow of nature. Colonizers have created this accelerated climate change here in Australia, and that’s the truth of it.

This seems to indicate that Gissell somehow hopes to solve problems like flooding and drought via the medium of dance—and the medium of gay dance, at that. Quick, call in Steps and the Village People, it’ll never rain too heavily or too little in Australia ever again!

Sold Down the River
Then again, is flooding really such a bad thing? To most normal people, maybe, but queerness these days is abnormal by design, and Gissell seems no exception.

The future dancer was brought up as a child near to Australia’s Barkaa River, which seems to have entered into her very bones and soul, like damp rot. She claims the Barkaa is her actual mother, and that the nearby Menindee Weir is “a guillotine” whose blade is sitting on her neck.

Or maybe Ma Barkaa’s neck is really being knelt upon by a white Australian policeman, as in the following description Gissell makes it sound uncannily like George Floyd: “Our Barkaa River is sick. She can’t breathe. Her queerness, her ability to be response able [sic] for herself has been taken from her for too long.”

How does Gissell manage to intuit all this stuff? Because, in a sense, Gissell is the river, or a personification of it, like Lorelei to the Rhine, but Blak, not Aryan. So, when she comes out openly and unapologetically as queer, this is just like how the Barkaa likewise bravely emerges as a giant watery liquid homosexual during its flooding.

Bigoted, white, straight colonial males may try to channel queer Blaks and queer rivers alike down certain predetermined, predefined straight routes, but ultimately both will break free, just like comically cross-dressing Freddie Mercury, and wash away the accumulated sins of the old, heteronormative white colonial world entirely:

Like the Barkaa will carve her own course, we [queers] will flood and we will drought in line with the flow that we sense to be the right one for our survival and flourishment. And we have to fight for the right of our Country to do the same. Nature is queer as nature honors both the father and the mother…. Nature is he, she and they in perpetual motion and interplay. Nature’s climate is already queer. People need to queer up to get in on the natural flow, lest they be washed away in the devastation of sticking to a failing course.

A Very Queer Fish
But Australian politicians have thus far singularly failed to “queer up,” leading to mass genocide against Mother-Father Nature’s native fish stocks. Gissell speaks of “60 million fish murdered in five years”; that’s ten times worse than the Holocaust of the Jews, numerically speaking.

In recent years, Australian rivers like the Barkaa have run dry, or else all the fish in them have died, and according to Gissell this is because water was being selfishly siphoned off from them through weirs like the Menindee and away from neglected outback Aboriginal communities, presumably to provide complete fripperies like tap water for the white man’s distant cities.

Surprisingly (possibly most surprisingly of all to themselves), these dead fish are also homosexual, their deaths being just the latest example of the white colonialist genocide against gays that is(n’t) happening today worldwide:

Trying to push the river is really, really stupid. The water needs to flow where it needs to flow. The fish need to swim where they need to swim, just as we need to love who we need to love. I reject all attempts to commandeer the flow of our lands and our waterways, and the flow of our bodies, minds and spirits…. It is the birthright of these fish to swim and live their lives, just as it is for all people to live their lives free of obstruction and damage to their environment and to their lifeblood. We as queer folk are only queer in the sense that we have had to, by necessity, queer off courses laid down by colonist oppressors and their rigidity to dogma.

Her own Queer Critical Theory dogma sounds rather rigid in itself to me—I thought Gissell was supposed to be a river, not a canal?

Canalize This
Time was that attributing floods to sexuality was the sole preserve of those “Far-Right extremists” we hear so much about these days: a term that is often simply a euphemism for “Christians.” Who, for example, can forget the time in 2016 when the media delighted in the ironic fact that, after calling storms and floods of the day “a sign of God’s wrath” against the Democrats’ newly legalized fake homo weddings, U.S. pastor Tony Perkins ended up getting washed out of his own home on a wave and a prayer too?

How is that when a devout white Christian claims the God of the Bible causes floods because of deluded human attitudes toward sexuality, he is immediately labeled as mad, whereas when a devout Blak queer claims native rainbow river god/desses cause such environmental disasters for very similar homosexuality-related reasons instead, she is given an official academic museum post?

I notice that one current conspiracy theory about the present California wildfires is that the mainly male firefighters involved have been attempting to put them out by flouncing around like hard-helmeted pansies and ineffectually throwing small volumes of water carried within women’s handbags into the flames at the behest of politically correct officials who had foolishly given away all of their real firefighting equipment to Ukraine. Was one of these officials Tammi Gissell herself, perchance?

What kind of weird, rainbow-obsessed solipsist honestly looks at diagrams of rivers and canals on a map and divines, apparently in all seriousness, that one is hetero and one is homo?

Then again, from “anal” to “canal,” I suppose it only takes one letter.