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As my basement human-sacrifice room has been looking a little dingy of late and putting off the rest of the coven, I was recently in need of the services of some professional painters and decorators to cover up and dispel all the bloodstains, evaporated adipose, severe smoke damage, and associated effluvia with their magic brushes. Researching some local experts online, I was shocked to discover the exorbitant nature of their hourly rates. “I bet I could hire a prostitute for less money than that!” I thought. Which got me to thinking…

Accessing the website of my nearest escort agency, I found my initial suspicion was indeed correct: Thanks to the recent mass influx of illegally trafficked cheap labor whores from Eastern Europe and Africa, hiring call girls was indeed now cheaper than hiring skilled home improvement specialists.

I noticed that, on the site, it specifically said “Our girls will do ANYTHING!” so I called them up and asked if that included Artexing. The madam on the other end of the line said it did, so I submitted a special “outfit request” for two girls to be dispatched straightaway wearing white overalls, gum boots, and thick cloth gardening gloves, rather than the usual nurse, secretary, or flight stewardess uniforms, took them down to my cellar, and told them to get on with it.

Lyudmilla and N’Kombenzizi didn’t do a terribly good job, I must confess, but they were certainly cheap and eager to please, and happy to chat whilst they manned the stepladders and pushed the rollers about. Was this the strangest outcall they’d ever received, I asked? Not at all, they replied, directing me toward a recent article in The (London) Times discussing sex workers’ genuine weirdest requests, like one girl being asked to sit fully clothed and seat-belted up in her car whilst listening to a particularly boring client (probably Jeremy Clarkson) accurately describe its various safety specs and concealed airbag locations.

Carry On Follow That Kamala
This report about what might be termed “celibate prostitution” interested me, because not long afterward I turned on my television for what was billed as being a vice presidential debate and saw that a random middle-aged white American man named Tim Walz had apparently been hired as a celibate prostitute himself by a prominent blackish-brownish lady named Kamala Harris to wander around after her everywhere she went in public and pretend to be her friend, for reasons apparently relating purely to his race and skin color. But I have white skin too! Why couldn’t I do exactly what Tim had just done myself, but better?

Writers often being short of money, as just proven by my tragic inability to afford any qualified home improvement pros, just a pair of pros of another kind, I wondered if there might be any prospect of my renting myself out for such explicitly platonic purposes along demented racial lines too.

So, that was the avenue I determined to pursue: degradingly selling myself out to Negroes or Asians as a sort of temporary public DEI hire for show, as part of a new commercial enterprise to be called either Lease-A-Limey or Hire-A-Honky, depending upon which specific international market I was operating in at any particular given moment in time. Renting yourself out to others on the sole basis of your ethnicity! Is such a thing actually possible? Disturbingly, it actually is.

Jew Come Here Often?
No matter what race or ethnicity you are these days, thanks to the magic of the internet, there is someone out there just waiting and eager to hire your body/skeleton/mind/soul/spirit by the hour. The first such temporary companionship outlet I came across was a service called Rent-A-Jew, whose tagline, “Nice to meet Jew,” says it all: just so long as the Jew in question isn’t George Soros, in which case his proffered greeting immediately becomes reconfigured as “We’re going to replace Jew.”

Rent-A-Jew (now seemingly rechristened Meet-A-Jew) was established in Germany in 2015 in a deeply misguided attempt to reduce rising anti-Semitism in the nation, allegedly caused by the growth of the domestic Far-Right there (nothing to do with all the Hezbollah-’n’-Hamas-loving Muslims Frau Merkel allowed into the nation that very same year, obviously) by exposing bigots to real live Jews to interact with, thereby demonstrating they were just ordinary human people after all, and nothing horned, cloven-footed, or devilish to be frightened of—again, unless they happened to be a member of the Soros family.

But what do the Jews do to you once they arrive? Groom you, apparently. Like Jehovah’s Witnesses gone wrong, the Semites promise to arrive in pairs and “talk about their very personal everyday life and answer questions.” Better, they further pledge to “often bring illustrative material” (illustrative of what?) “and sometimes even Gummy Bears.” When they’re finished, do they offer to take you back home to their gingerbread house?

Who is on offer to hire, then? Well, the first one listed is Adrian, an expert in “food combining” (e.g., strawberries and cream, lemon and lime, bread and butter, Adrian knows them all!) who says he would be “happy” to turn up in your home or workplace and offer you “an encounter in the Ruhr area.” How long will said intimate educational experience take? “We recommend a time frame of 90 minutes for an encounter.” I’m not sure I can last that long. Never mind, reassures Rent-A-Jew, this is supposed to be a collective experience for me and my entire circle of family, colleagues, and friends, although “The group should not be larger than 30 people in order to enable a familiar atmosphere,” all of which must take place “at eye level.” Also, there are rarely more than thirty Gummi Bears in each individual packet, and Jews aren’t made of money, you know.

However, looking into the service more closely, I begin to have my doubts about its veracity, especially when, upon perusing its FAQs page, I find the telltale words “The offer [of our services] is free of charge.” They’re not Jews at all, they’re impostors!

Minority Interests
It all sounds like a parody, but then so does Rent-A-Minority, a U.S. website that hires out non-whites for show upon the following highly dubious rationale: “We have a minority for every occasion. Whether it’s a tech conference panel, an awards show, an advert, or a business meeting, we will collaborate to find the right minority for you.”

Or, at least, the company says it does. In fact, unlike Rent-A-Jew, Rent-A-Minority really is a parody, aimed at satirizing “diversity-washing” PR from wannabe woke Western firms who cynically flood their advertising and websites with lovely diverse “United Colors of Benetton” non-whites to look all PC and right-on, purely to hoodwink customers into thinking they are more socialistically righteous than they really are. As the creators explain:

Rather than address institutional inequality in any meaningful way, diversity is something that is generally just for (temporary) show. Companies tend to be very careful to ensure that their websites contain an acceptable ratio of women and non-white people; on their leadership boards, however, it’s another matter.

Although it appears some incredibly stupid people did actually fall for the joke, closer examination of the site’s overtly absurd content should have made it abundantly clear the whole thing was meant only as sarcasm. Amongst the listed “Featured Minorities” available for easy, hooker-style hire were:

Ethnically Ambiguous
Mexican? Arab? Asian? Mixed? What even are they? It doesn’t matter…the exotic Ethnically Ambiguous minority can be whoever or whatever you want her/him to be.
Cheerful Woman of Color
Won’t embarrass you by being an angry black woman.
Smiling Muslim Woman
Certified not to support ISIS (or your money back).
Intellectual Black Guy
Good for tech conferences. Also available to stand next to you while you say racist things at parties. Because you can’t be racist if one of your best friends is black, obvs.

Strangely, it seems the only major minority you can’t rent on Rent-A-Minority are Jews: Rent-A-Jew must just have this entire specific market all sewn up for themselves as a kind of sinister and exploitative racial monopoly, like they do with Hollywood and bagel stores.

A Black You Won’t Want to Give Back!
The Rent-A-Minority site may have been inspired by a similar spoof, Rent-A-Negro.com, created as a piece of online performance art in 2003 by black U.S. conceptual artist Damali ayo (the lack of capitalization on her surname appears intentional for some reason sadly incomprehensible to my own defective white mind) to satirize what she saw as the lingering legacy of slavery across America. Here’s a quick summary of her company’s purported chief benefits for clients:

How to Rent a Negro
Prove your commitment to diversity * Discover the many uses for black people in your life * Impress your friends and family * Boost your reputation by showing off a black friend * Utilize the services of black people without the hassle of buying

Rumors that handing in a simple photocopy printout of the above spiel on her CV is how Kamala Harris got hired to the vice presidential ticket by Joe Biden back in 2020 are as yet unconfirmed.

Ideally, of course, DEI Joe could have gone even further than simply temporarily hiring Kamala merely for what former Donald Trump adviser Sebastian Gorka crudely but accurately recently described on British TV as her “having a vagina and the right skin color,” and entered into an arrangement that was rather more lasting and formal in its nature instead. The original Rent-A-Negro site asked, “Why [only] rent a negro? Why not buy?” Because:

As we all know, the purchase of African Americans was outlawed many years ago. [Yet as] times have changed the need for black people in your life has changed but not diminished. The presence of black people in your life can advance business and social reputation. These days those who claim black friends and colleagues are on the cutting edge of social and political trends…. This adds currency to your image and events. We all go out for ethnic food every once in a while, why not bring some new flavor to your home or office…for all your friends and colleagues to enjoy!

In its original intended form, the website did sincerely offer paying users the option to hire the artist as a negro-for-rent, and Damali ayo truly intended to turn up and be her clients’ temporary slave for a few hours to make some weird proto-BLM political point, but ultimately this plan had to be aborted when people started sending her in death, lynching, and rape threats, which is obviously disgraceful. They should have saved all those for Kamala Harris.

In the end, alarmed by what I had just discovered during my researches, I decided to abandon my plan and continue selling myself and my electronic ink out to online media organizations like Taki’s as a humble pen-for-hire instead. Life as Tim Walz Mk. II is just not for me. If I ever do require more moola to decorate any further tattered rooms in my home, it would be far easier for me just to become an actual full-blown sexual prostitute for hire instead—and more dignified.