The Week’s Most Sabering, Neighboring, and Day-of-Laboring Headlines 2023: A SPICE ODYSSEY A prehistoric veldt in South Asia. Members of a hairy, knuckle-walking Paleolithic ...

The Week’s Most Lurkin’, Twerkin’, and Jerkin’ Headlines MAKE THAT 86,999 As Sen. Joe Manchin—a.k.a. “the kid from Deliverance with a super PAC”—mulls his ...

The Week’s Most Tiring, Inspiring, and Wildfiring Headlines AUTISTINIAN PRIVILEGE Could this be the end of “cancel culture”? For one lucky fella, apparently so. HuffPost ...

The Week’s Most Fissioned, Partitioned, and Air-Conditioned Headlines TURBAN BLIGHT Don’t know much about history, Don’t know much of Indira Gandhi, Don’t know what ...

The Week’s Most Spaying, Splaying, and Enola Gaying Headlines GOO GOO G’JEWB When Fran Drescher was elected president of SAG-AFTRA, it was only because people with more ...

The Week’s Most Lean, Mean, and Augustine Headlines WELL, BLOW ME DOWNTOWN June 2021, Downtown L.A.—A Mexican had been stockpiling illegal fireworks (the only thing Mexis ...

The Week’s Most Spiking, Striking, and Skirt-Hiking Headlines NONTRANSFERABLE NON-SKILLS The Writers Guild strike is like a Rocky IV alternate ending. Drago says, “I must ...

The Week’s Most Knowing, Crowing, and Beachgoing Headlines WILLY WONKKKA Last week the trailer for the new Willy Wonka prequel had its world premiere. Wonka stars delicate ...

The Week’s Most Swaying, Slaying, and Dog Daying Headlines INDIANA JONES AND THE HOLOCAUST OF INEVITABILITY Way to go, Indy. You saved Hitler. Again. In Raiders of the Lost ...

The Week’s Most Shirkin’, Twerkin’, and Fireworkin’ Headlines COMPAÑÍA DE TRES Immigration’s taken a terrible toll on American farce. Three’s Company was a ...

The Week’s Most Prissy, Hissy, and Solstice-y Headlines POSTHOLIDAY BLUES (AND BLACKS) Juneteenth occupies a unique place among holidays and celebrations. With Halloween, for ...

The Week’s Leaniest, Meaniest, and Juneteeniest Headlines HE WUZ KANG With a million multiple universes, you’d think Marvel could find one with a black supervillain. It’s ...

The Week’s Most Heavy Lossing, Cookie Tossing, and Betsy Rossing Headlines STATUES OF LIMITATION Where are climate activists with paint cans when you need them? The ...

Anticipating this brutal column, CNN has just fired Chris Licht. If the next CEO plans to last any longer, he'd better implement these changes right away! At the risk of raising ...

The Week’s Most Heart-Tugging, Big-Lugging, and June-Bugging Headlines WITH FIENDS LIKE THESE There’s an old joke about a passerby who sees a Jewish man walking what appears ...

The Week’s Most Rending, Bending, and Three-Day-Weekending Headlines TO’JO MAMA (Sung to the tune of “Nagasaki”) George Soros and Pammy Price, Wok an Asian like fryin’ ...