The Week’s Most Leary, Dreary, and New Yeary Headlines INMATE, OUTMATE Biden concluded 2024 by commuting the sentences of every federal death row inmate, including child-killers and mass murderers. He left only three behind: “Young Bieber”-haired moppet Dylann Roof, who killed nine black worshippers in a church; growly Robert Bowers, who murdered eleven elderly Jews in a synagogue; and Kyrgyzstan’s gift to America Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, who bombed the Boston Marathon out of jealousy because Bostonians love stretching their vowels yet he comes from a nation with none. Amazingly, the ...
The Week’s Most Mingling, Singling, and Kris Kringling Headlines A DINGBAT ATE ME BABY Remember the good old days when Australians and New Zealanders were thought of as rugged individualists? And ...
The Week’s Most Snowing, Blowing, and Ho-Ho-Ho-ing Headlines DEARTH PENALTY Scandinavians have a problem when it comes to crime and punishment. As in, they don’t punish crime. In Sweden, the ...
The Week’s Most Barreling, Caroling, and Gay-Appareling Headlines OLD MAN RAGING RIVER This post-Thanksgiving story could be subtitled “jive turkey becomes unalive ...
The Week’s Most Wrecking, Henpecking, and Hall-Decking Headlines OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKÉ The word is out in L.A.: Don’t drink the water. Because another wacky Asian chick has ...
The Week’s Most Wobbling, Bobbling, and Gobble-Gobbling Headlines INDIANS SQUAWED... Has anyone ever done an IQ comparison between the Bering Strait nomads who settled the ...
The Week’s Most Herky, Jerky, and Buy-That-Frozen-Turkey Headlines FAMIRY FEUD Dog trainers have long abandoned the tradition of smacking misbehaving pups on the schnoz with a ...
The Week’s Most Sectioning, Detectioning, and Post-Electioning Headlines ALMOND JOYLESS Kamala Harris should’ve seen the warning signs. When the sequel to the Joaquin Phoenix ...
The Week’s Most Embering, Dismembering, and Novembering Headlines OCTOBER SURPRISE? MORE LIKE OCTOBER COW-PIES Americans need a refresher on the concept of “October ...
The Week’s Most Meaty, Peaty, and Trick-or-Treaty Headlines MOAT-TOWN With the L.A. Dodgers in the World Series—and with ticket prices reaching Taylor Swift concert-level ...
The Week’s Most Clowny, Frowny, and All-the-Leaves-Are-Browny Headlines NEXT-OF-QUINCEAÑERA Dia de los Muertos came early in Oklahoma City last week, as a shoot-out at a ...
The Week’s Most Slippery, Zippery, and Yom Kippury Headlines REDUN-DUNCE When it comes to humor, there’s commitment to a bit, and then there’s Tommy Cooper. Cooper was a ...
The Week’s Most Conning, Donning, and Rosh Hashaning Headlines BURN SLAVEY BURN! It was a Third Reich in the second degree. Embattled N.C. gubernatorial candidate Mark ...
The Week’s Iciest, Diciest, and Pumpkin Spiciest Headlines NO RHYME OR REASON How ironic that a dispute between black and white is taking place in Green. Green, Ohio (94 ...
The Week’s Most Pluvios Plumber, Grandiose Hummer, and Adios Summer Headlines HEZBOLLOCKS Last week “Hezbollah” became a question. As in, “His ball? Uh...it’s over ...
The Week’s Most Fleeting, Skeeting, and Hades-Heating Headlines IAMS WHAT IAMS It was a week in which Americans obsessed over the question, “Are Haitians eating ...
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