Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries

I’ve seen too many friends and acquaintances leap into “lightning marriages”—I am borrowing from the Italian phrase matrimoni lampo—as well as all the horrifying high-profile Hollywood cases such as Kim Kardashian’s recent split-second marital debacle, so I started to research the main reasons for divorce. Asking any married couple on the planet why they fight will yield the same set of reasons. So why do people marry in the first place?

People marry for a variety of reasons in the name of “love”: money, social status, because everyone else is doing it, the desire for children, fear of being alone, or merely an excuse to have a party. All of these reasons are packaged into a nice little box that people refer to as “love,” and herein lies a substantial initial miscommunication.

Divorce’s primary cause is the misunderstanding of what “love” means. The “love” many people cite when they talk about marriage is nothing more than a love of self. It means the other person should put you first and do what you want. They should give you their money, let you bask in their social success, reap the benefits of their fame, and keep you company—essentially the other person should do and give everything for you and your happiness. It takes roughly a four-year-old’s brain capacity and emotional maturity to generate this definition of love. My four-year-old said to me the other day, “If I love you and you love me, then you do what I say!” The problem is that this bastardization of love will not hold until death do you part, or even as long as a transatlantic flight, because it means you are simply looking for a person who loves you, not for someone you love back. But people still try, believing it is enough merely to be loved. Mutiny and divorce inevitably ensue.

Divorce’s second cause is not merely a difference in priorities and expectations, but a whopping, awe-inspiring gap between reality and expectations. Why the abysmal dichotomy? Well, “love” is now created in a studio and bombarded into our houses as entertainment. It becomes a beautiful, shiny, and seemingly realistic alternate reality presented to you every moment of every waking day. It is responsible for this ever-growing gap between what is real and expected and what is fantasy and unknown. These TV husbands bring you breakfast in bed on Mother’s Day, they remember your birthday and anniversary and never forget to send flowers or throw surprise parties, they are never grumpy or tired—in essence, they are flawless.

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If breached at all, the real topics that cause marital discord are represented in a less-than-realistic manner. People really don’t know what relationships looked like before TV and movies told them what a relationship was supposed to look like. What actually existed before Disney, et al., reinvented and re-scripted male-female relations was a world brimming with deception, mistresses, stolen moments with the stable boy, lying, boredom, sexual problems, money problems, psychological abuse, and addiction. These things were accepted—but more importantly, expected—aspects of life and therefore of marriage. It was not scandalous or humiliating if you got a bad apple or your marriage wasn’t shiny and perfect. The world has not changed. Human nature has not evolved or improved.

The only difference is that now people walk around with tinted glasses, expecting and believing male-female relations to be Disney-pink, and when the picture goes grey or fuzzy they simply change the channel. Women are ill-prepared, and when they find out that “happily ever after” does not work as it does in the Disney or ABC version, they run away in fear, screaming divorce and ready to torch the house to the ground—children and family pets included. TV leads people to believe they can have a TV-type relationship and if they keep looking—if they switch partners, jumble the kids around a bit, get a new house, car, and maybe even move to a new city–reality won’t find them. Sitcoms and movies are nothing more than long commercials for a fantasy life that people want. Unfortunately, not enough parents taught their children not to believe everything they see on TV.

These factors are multiplied by stupidity. Even a little stupidity goes a long way. The facts don’t lie. We are getting dumber. Standardized tests are getting easier, and policies such as No Child Left Behind have eliminated history from the curriculum in eleven states and drastically reduced the average person’s vocabulary. People are being groomed to believe everything they see on TV. It makes them easier to govern.

So here’s divorce expressed as a mathematical equation:

Divorce = (Self-Love + High Expectations) x Stupidity

Even if your husband’s little tics drive you crazy, marriage is worth it. The love of which Shakespeare speaks is a love of acceptance. The moral of Cinderella is not that everyone deserves a prince. Rather, the message for the not-so-stupid is that true love conquers all—all recognized flaws, weaknesses, and differences. Simply put: I love you even though you are a schmuck!

Dear Delphi,

I broke up with my daughter’s mother over a year ago, but I have been over to her place a few times and have slept with her. I love my current girlfriend very much and I have mostly stayed away from my ex, but my ex has said that she is going to talk to my GF and tell her everything. What should I do?

—Cheating With My Ex

Dear Delphi,

Can you help?

While on holiday earlier this month I bumped into a girl who is the ideal candidate for an affair—she’s hot, sharp, and dry (sounds more like a bottle of sake, I know). We’ve hit it off before but haven’t seen each other for a while.

I am happily married, but the occasional weekend of guilty pleasure with this chick would be fun. This assumes that she is looking for something on the side. I think she might be.

“If you are not man enough to live with the guilt, then you are not mature enough to cheat.”

There are obstacles to an affair:
1) She is married.
2) I am married.
3) We live in separate countries.
4) We have friends in common.

My questions:
1) Is it acceptable/sensible to attempt affairs with a married woman with whom I share mutual friends?
2) Do a long-distance affair’s logistics remove spontaneity or merely make this more thrilling to pursue?
3) Logistics aside, do you suggest I visit her for an illicit weekend?
4) An affair on holiday might have been a better option, but it didn’t happen, so how do I get this thing started now that we are so far apart?

—Affair Candidate

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Dear Cheating With My Ex and Affair Candidate,

Cheating “Don’t” Number 1. Don’t do it. If you are married, you are not supposed to cheat, period. I have it on very high authority that your soul will burn in hell if you cheat. “Thou shall not commit adultery” comes right after “Thou shall not kill.” So you can’t cheat unless you are a Muslim or a Mormon and are out shopping for a new wife and cheating is de rigueur.

If you do not believe in God, the power of his wrath, or the severity of his punishments—and if the idea of a horrific divorce, astronomical alimony payments, and only seeing your children every other weekend does not scare you—then by all means roll the dice. But you will have to be a Super Spy. You must become unparalleled in disguises, setting fake trails, and being able to overcome even the most excruciating interrogation methods.

Cheating “Don’t” Number 2. Don’t cheat with a woman who may have a vendetta against your current girlfriend. At the top of the list would be your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend. Beware the wrath of a woman scorned. These women will definitely tell on you if they are given the right incentive—such as realizing that you just wanted to have sex with them again but actually love the woman for whom you dumped them. The only possible way out is through effusive apologizes, constant self-deprecation, and a healthy sprinkling of flowers, gifts, and love letters to both women if you still think you can outrun the anger of the jilted.

Cheating “Don’t” Number 3. Do not cheat on your wife with a woman she knows or knows of. (Famous personalities she “knows of” do not count, unless you risk being photographed in a tabloid.) This means no women from the same gym or club—beach, book, riding, etc. No women from your children’s schools, and absolutely no women with whom you and your wife share mutual friends, no matter what country they live in! It is definitely neither acceptable nor sensible.

Cheating “Do” Number 1. Do have an illicit weekend with a total stranger—or better yet a prostitute—while on a fake or real business trip. If you love your wife or girlfriend and are just looking for a little fun in the sack, then keep it about sex and don’t confuse yourself or others. Give the stranger a fake name and number if requested. Do pick a woman that is “hot, sharp, and dry” as well as anything else you may be looking for in a weekend of fun if—and only if—you are paying for her services. Picking a non-prostitute you are attracted to when sober is like walking through a minefield; sooner or later you will get blown to pieces. Don’t risk it—pay for it!

Cheating “Do” Number 2. Be man enough to keep your dirty little secrets to yourself. Don’t leave little clues around the house, in your pants, or on your credit-card bills. It is not a treasure hunt! Your wife will not find a cute little leprechaun guarding a big pot of gold at the end, so don’t send her looking. The safest strategy is to create an alternate identity—leave absolutely no trail, whether paper or digital. Use different payment methods and different phones with a fake name that have nothing to do with you or your house. If you are not man enough to live with the guilt, then you are not mature enough to cheat. Even if your wife waterboards you, never tell. No good can come from admitting you are a big fat liar.

Cheating “Do” Number 3. Be nice to your wife, but not too nice—you don’t want her to sniff out the guilt. If you are a bad Super Spy and she is not half-dumb, she will eventually start snooping. If she starts asking questions, don’t snap at her; it is a dead giveaway. Stay calm and be nice.

KID OR CAREER?

Dear Delphi,

I am 36 and am having my first baby, due in December. I am thrilled out of my mind—I have always wanted children—I can’t wait! The problem is, my husband wants me to quit my job and stay home with the baby. I think it is because I make more money and have a more powerful job than he does. I think he has always felt threatened deep down. He makes enough money that I could quit, but that is not the issue. I have worked really hard for my success and am not sure I want to give it all up to be a stay-at-home mom. It makes me feel like I’d be a quitter, as if I would be admitting to defeat. What do you think?

—Quitter? in Quebec

Dear Quitter? in Quebec,

You need to wait until December so you can make an informed decision. At the moment you have no idea how your little baby is going to change your life and your perspective. I promise you it is life-altering and you cannot even begin to imagine it! It should not be about whether your husband harbors fears and insecurities about you being the more successful breadwinner. It may make him feel good and more of a man to be the only provider, but hopefully he is suggesting you stay home because you can afford to. Maybe he simply wants his child to be raised by a woman he loves and respects rather than by a fresh-off-the-boat Filipino he has yet to meet. As for feeling like a quitter, think again. Being a hands-on, stay-at-home mom is much harder than any other job on the planet. It is exhausting, consumes 24 hours every day, and there is no room for bad moods, computer games, Facebook, gossipy phone calls, after-work cocktails, or even a shower. Your notions of being a quitter will melt away about as fast as a popsicle does in Texas on July 4th! Then you will have to ask yourself: Which job do you really want to do? A lot of women go running back to work after maternity leave because they can’t handle it and are desperate to have a shred of life as they knew it way back when. Raising a child is so difficult it will bring you to your knees, but the payout of watching your child grow is priceless. Wait to decide.

CRINGING OVER COLOR

Dear Delphi,

The other night while discussing one of our favorite clubs with my friends I said, “The light black man was a better DJ than the dark black man.” Everyone got upset and stared at me as if I had just exited the bathroom with a smudge of poop on my cheek. I really had no other way of distinguishing between the two! I thought it was as basic as saying taller or shorter. Seriously, how else could I have described the men without using color as a descriptor? They were roughly the same height, same build, same color hair, and same color eyes. I feel terrible that everyone got so upset, but I really don’t think I said anything wrong or racist. What do you think? 

—Accidental Insult in Los Angeles

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Dear Accidental Insult in Los Angeles,

Maybe you were supposed to say “lighter African American” or “lighter-skinned man” to avoid using the word “black.” Maybe it was expected that you go into a lengthy description of facial features—bigger eyes, bushier eyebrows, stronger jaw line, and a longer face. Maybe you were expected to draw a portrait on the tablecloth to avoid using any words at all. Maybe you should have kept mute and demonstrated their differences through pantomime. If it is racist to use the word “black” in a physical description, that is a sad state of affairs and would mean the word by itself was offensive. Under those conditions, people would have to be careful about saying, “What a pretty little black dress” to someone at a party. Now, had you said, “That goddamned stupid dark black can’t DJ for his life,” you were being an offensive racist and deserved the poop stare. But to use the word “black” or “dark” merely as a physical descriptor should be considered a factual observation and should not be taken as a racist comment. But what should be and what is actually in the PC Handbook are two totally different matters. You would need to ask a black man if saying “black man” is offensive and racist, because only he knows the answer and not a bunch of white people making poop stares in a restaurant.

KICKING THE CONCUBINE TO THE CURB

Dear Delphi,

I left my wife and two children for one of our nannies about 10 years ago. She has been living with me ever since, but now I have found someone new. The problem is I feel guilty and downright scared of leaving Olga. She is from Moldavia and was only legally staying in the country because I kept “hiring” her as our nanny. If I leave her, which would entail kicking her out, she would be forced to find another job or go back to Moldavia. What should I do?

—Deportation Depression in Florence

Dear Deportation Depression in Florence,

You should have thought about the ramifications of leaving your wife and children for the nanny 10 years ago. She could have kept working regardless of your relationship, but it sounds like she thought she had it made and became dependent. That is not so much your fault, because she should have known that if you left your wife and children, maybe you would be prone to leaving her as well. She should have kept her bases covered and her options open. Scared of Olga? Please. Be a man and take what is coming to you. Face the music and dump her.

RADAR LOVE

Dear Delphi,

My boyfriend keeps saying he needs space, and as a consequence we fight a lot. I have become so worried that he is trying to—or is going to—break up with me that I keep asking him about what he is doing, where he is going, and who he is going with so he knows it is OK with me that he does other things. I am only trying to seem interested in and supportive of what he is doing, but he keeps getting angry. I feel it is all spinning out of control. Help! I don’t want to get dumped!

—Anxious in Antioch

Dear Anxious in Antioch,

When a man says he needs space it does not mean he wants to be monitored from afar. It usually means he wants to go off the radar and feel free. He asks for space, so your response is to get scared and start over-monitoring. Wrong response! You should be letting him breathe, but instead you’re suffocating him. It probably feels to him like you are being a nag. Go on radio silence for a few days: no calling, texting, IMing, etc. If he finally calls you, go out and don’t ask him anything about what he has been doing; just have a good time. The next time he calls, tell him you are going out with friends and can’t do whatever he is proposing; say you wish you could, but you promised Betty, John, and Jane you would go out with them. You want to make him feel free. The best reset button in a relationship is disinterest.

THE ELIXIR OF JEALOUSY

Dear Delphi,

My husband of 10 years and I ran into an ex of mine by total random chance during our summer vacation. My ex asked us out to dinner, and I said yes before my husband had a chance to blink. My husband did not even know this man existed prior to our trip, because I never thought we would ever run into him, and I do not consider it “need-to-know” information. I never told my husband about two other exes, either, because he is the possessive type—he really would have loved to marry a virgin. My ex—who happens to be very attractive and very successful—told a funny story at dinner that made it very apparent that we had dated. Mind you, my husband has no problem telling me about all his girlfriends, but he won’t stop talking about my ex. It is starting to make me nervous that he won’t drop it. What can I do?

—Jealous Hubby in Hyannis

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Dear Jealous Hubby in Hyannis,

The great news is your husband after 10 years still loves you enough to get jealous. As long as he is not filing for divorce, calling you a slut, or threatening to harm the ex or you, why not revel in his insecurity for a while? If you don’t overdo it, his jealousy could be quite a potent elixir for you! Jealousy is part of a healthy relationship. To be fair to your husband, once you knew you were going to have dinner with the ex, you should have told your husband about your past with this man. The fact that he discovered it from the ex at dinner could signal to your already possessive husband that you were trying to keep it a secret because you still carry a torch. You sent him into an ambush when he did not even know he was at war. You’re just lucky your Tarzan did not make a scene or throw a punch at the dinner table. So stay calm, be nice, and keep telling your husband you love him. Avoid getting angry, telling him he is stupid, showing any emotion, or engaging in any conversation about the ex; that will only prove that you really may still carry a torch, and the jealousy will escalate. And if you don’t want to burn down the house you’ve built with your husband, by all means throw away that torch!

PANIC AT THE COUNTRY CLUB

Dear Delphi,

I am really upset. This evil woman that I simply detest managed with her slutty, fame-seeking, social-climbing, ass-kissing ways to weasel herself a membership at my club. I didn’t even know she was trying to get into the club; otherwise, I would have tried to pull together a revolt to stop such insanity. But now that she is in, I am desperate. What can I do? Should I try to get her thrown out?

—Helpless in The Hamptons

Dear Helpless in The Hamptons,

If you are really so interested in the club’s goings-on, pay more attention! Club politics can come around and bite you in the butt as fast as you can say humdinger. Get more involved and make sure that another doozy of a social-climbing slut doesn’t get past you again. If you are too scared to put your own neck on the line, try to coax an appropriate friend into getting involved so you can protect yourself safely from behind the trenches. Look at the rules and figure out if there is a way to get someone kicked out. If there is a clause such as “behavior unbecoming a member,” start working on proof. Hiring a private eye is a good start. If there is no way to get the social-climbing slut kicked out, make her feel unwelcome. Who really cares if she is a member as long as she is too embarrassed or too scared to show up at the club? Think of ways to freeze her out and make it clear she is unwelcome. Get some advice about ostracism techniques and strategies from the over-70 crowd: the older, the wiser. If she is as bad as she sounds, it will not be hard to put the kibosh on her.

SWALLOWING MORE THAN PRIDE

Dear Delphi,

I keep asking all my friends, but I cannot get a straight answer: Is it OK if I do not swallow? I am 42 and married to a man of 40. We have two small children and everything is going just fine. I was at a play date for my oldest the other day when the topic came up again, and I always feel like a fool. Do I have to swallow? I feel like an idiot, but somehow I still don’t know what is right or what is OK.

—Spit or Swallow in Des Moines

Dear Spit or Swallow in Des Moines,

I hope no one ever asks me this question again. The real problem is not whether you spit or swallow; it’s why at 42 with two kids and a husband you are worried about it and talking about it openly. You should have sorted out the spit/swallow conundrum by the age of 16, or at the very latest 20. Why do you care, and why do you think others care? Nobody—and I mean nobody—wants to know about how you and your husband exchange bodily fluids. Trust me, they will judge you more because you brought it up than they would ever judge you for what you do behind closed doors—that’s why the doors are closed. If you are still feeling insecure, the only person to discuss it with is your husband. Since he’s the, eh, “donor” of what you choose to spit or swallow, he’s the only one with a vested interest. Do whatever you want and stop bothering people about it! Ew!

HAPPY OLD (POSSIBLY GAY) BACHELOR

Dear Delphi,

My 58-year-old brother, once wed, once divorced, no children, has been on the market for years, but he can’t seem to get it done. By “get it done,” I mean, “remarry and have children.” He is attractive and young for his age, both in personality and in looks. What can I do to help him find a wife and hopefully have children?

—Concerned Sis in San Francisco

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Dear Concerned Sis in San Francisco,

If your brother has two pennies to rub together and is not working two jobs, you can only assume that he is doing exactly as he pleases. After 58 years of being attractive, it is highly unlikely he’s been desperately seeking to get married but is failing. If he wanted to marry, he would have. If he wanted children he would already have them, with or without the perfect wife. Maybe he does not want the things you want for him. Maybe he loves his single status and stress-free life. Maybe he is gay. Everybody can find somebody, so either he really does not want what you want or he is way too picky. If you can’t accept that, keep inviting him over for dinner and have a blind date on hand at all times. Sooner or later he will become so irritated by your persistence that he will be forced to tell you he is a proud, dress-wearing gay man or he will take a wife merely to shut you up. Either that, or he’ll keep playing the field and start avoiding your dinner dates.

THE MUSKY ALLURE OF BEING ALOOF

Dear Delphi,

I am 45 and my entire life I have had the same problem. I find a girl I like, then I do everything I can to court her properly—phone calls, texting, flowers—everything you could think of to be a nice, caring guy. Every time, they tell me they just want to be friends and I end up heartbroken. Help! There is nothing I want more than to start a family, but even though everybody says women are desperate to marry and have kids, I can’t seem to find the one desperate enough to take me seriously. What is going on?

—Always a Friend in Mobile

Dear Always a Friend in Mobile,

It sounds like you are coming on too strong. There is nothing more unattractive than an overzealous man. You need to start playing hard to get. You have to make her want you and be willing to fight for your attention. The best way to explain how you can do this is to think about her as if she were a dog or a small child. You need to establish a reward-and-punishment system as guidelines. You never reward her with phone calls, texting, or flowers unless she has done something to deserve it. If she texts you, wait until she texts you again, then text her back. If you have called twice and she has not returned your call, drop it and never call her again. It is tit for tat—actually, two tits for your tat—and if you do not realize that’s the way it works and instead rush toward her like Hurricane Irene, you will blow any chance of sexual tension and are doomed to forever being a friend. Everybody wants what they don’t have. You lived in the city thinking you wanted a country house, then you move to the country and all of a sudden you yearn to move back to the city. Until you have assured yourself a position in her bed and in her heart, I suggest you remain aloof.

CURSE OF THE MEGA-SORE-ASS

Dear Delphi,

I was at dinner the other night when my best friend’s new Texan love decided to share some appalling jokes. For example: “What do you call a queer dinosaur? A mega-sore-ass.” I was horrified and it is pretty safe to say everyone at the table was as well. There was a very awkward moment of deadly silence with a lot of quick glances and a round of eye-popping staring. I am worried about my friend’s taste in men, but more to the point, the dinner conversation never recovered. Nobody knew what to do and I am worried about ever having to dine with him again. Not that I found the joke that bad, but I don’t want his tasteless jokes to ruin my evening by putting everyone in a bad mood, which it did!

—Offensive Jokester in Cape Cod

Dear Offensive Jokester in Cape Cod,

It is a sad state of affairs when you can’t make a tasteless joke. In the 80s they had books dedicated to the topic. When did we forget that things can be simultaneously offensive and funny? At the end of the day the dinosaur joke is harmless. Are you upset because it is insulting to the dinosaur, the gay community, or because it’s too descriptive and crass? Or do you feel guilty because you want to laugh but don’t think you should? When you are ten, maybe you get peer-pressured into tasting a revolting concoction made by your friend; when you are older you can feel the peer pressure to behave in a PC, conformist way. Don’t let it happen to you; stand up for your rights! The best policy would be to do exactly as you please. If you want to laugh, then laugh. If you want to tell the Texan it is offensive and unacceptable, then tell him so. That would make for an interesting and fiery dinner conversation. Either address it or move on. Whom are you trying to impress by burning a tasteless joke-teller at the stake? Don’t take everything so seriously. If you don’t want to be bothered by the tension he creates, then don’t go out to dinner with him again.

CANINE KEVORKIAN

Dear Delphi,

I simply do not know what to do. I have a yellow Labrador named “China” who is 14 years old, and I have always adored her. But ever since my first child came along, I am day by day less and less and less enamored of China. Now she is blind in one eye, is 100% incontinent, is developing arthritis, and is obviously losing it because she recently wandered into the road and got hit by a car. She needs to go to the vet at least once every two weeks. Sometimes I wish she would run away and/or die. I feel really guilty about the whole situation, but enough already, right?

—Dog Guilt in Denver

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Dear Dog Guilt in Denver,

I suggest that you take her to the vet and see if the vet will help you put her and you out of your misery. How much do the two of you have to suffer before one of you begs for mercy? If she were a person she would have written a living will or signed a do-not-resuscitate order! Do her a favor and put her down. Pets should be loved and treated well, but they are still pets and they do not trump your children. So if your dog is taking time and energy away from your children, save the kids and get rid of the dog. If the vet refuses to help, look for a doggie Dr. Kevorkian or do a private poisoning. If you simply can’t stomach the idea of letting her go, then give her away. Having to change and care for diaper-wearing children is hard enough; you don’t need a diaper-wearing dog as well. Enough is enough!

SHE DOESN’T LIKE YOU IN THAT WAY

Dear Delphi,

My problem seems simple enough, but I really cannot ask anyone except you anonymously because everyone would laugh at me. I have been dating a woman I really like for a half-dozen dates, but we have still not slept together. She says she is “not ready.” How long should I wait around? I am 40 and she is 35.

—Frustrated in Far Hills

Dear Frustrated in Far Hills,

Run for the farthest hills! Unless she is an ardent Catholic and still an unwed virgin, she has obviously been around the block a few times, so you have to ask yourself why is she telling you she is “not ready.” I can only think of a few valid reasons she wouldn’t be ready: 1) She was recently raped by a masked man in the nearby park; 2) She is currently dealing with a messy STD and has to wait for the meds to clear it up; 3) She just had an abortion; or 4) She has recently undergone vaginal rejuvenation and needs some more recovery time. The number-one reason women refuse to sleep with men is because they are not attracted to them. I think that’s the problem. Forget about her and find someone who’s ready.

GOD’S VIEWS ON PREGNANCY

Dear Delphi,

My husband and I have been married since we were 25 and I have been trying to get pregnant for the past five years. I want to try in-vitro fertilization, but he says it is not God’s plan. He is very religious—something I always loved and respected about him—but at the moment I am really starting to despise him and wish he was less of a believer. What can I do?

—Infertile in England

Dear Infertile in England,

Unfortunately you do not hold the keys to heaven, so you are going to have to find someone more believable. Go directly to the top and make sure you know the Pope’s position on in-vitro fertilization. I am pretty sure he is against any form of procreation that does not involve the missionary position. If the fact that the Pope has given his approval is not enough or he still wants to talk about it, talk to your priest. Maybe he will be able to make your husband more comfortable. If your husband is still holding for the natural order, all you can do is hope he is right about God and start praying! You could always leave him for a less God-fearing man, but that would be unholy advice.

GOING ABROAD TO LEAVE A BROAD

Dear Delphi,

My boyfriend of two years has taken a job opportunity abroad, which is great for him but it means he is moving to Asia, which sucks for me. What should I do? Do I try to have the long-distance relationship, or do I break up with him? I am 30 and I think he is the one I want to marry.

—Should I Stay or Should I Go in Hartford

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Dear Should I Stay or Should I Go in Hartford,

If you really thought he was the one, you would not be asking if you should break up with him just to protect yourself. You would be willing—no, desperate—to try to make it work. You would be writing me saying that you are beside yourself and don’t know whether you’ll survive. So the first thing to do is figure out what you really want, because I am not convinced he really is the one for you. Love makes you do a lot of stupid things. Being unsure whether you should break up with someone is not one of those things. If he is willing to try the long-distance thing, then try. If it does not work out, you still end up with the breakup. So why rush it and risk living with a regret or a “what-if” question hanging over your head? If I am wrong and he really is the one for you, then you will pull yourself together. Self-control and patience need to become your two best friends, and you need to let go of your need for instant gratification.

BABY TALK AMONG ADULTS

Dear Delphi,

I am a 39-year-old woman, and yes, I am still single, and yes, I still have not had any children. But that is not my main concern at the moment. The problem is that every time I leave my house I am bombarded by women and their endless and frankly stupid and annoying conversations about their children. Don’t get me wrong—I love kids. But I really don’t want to discuss them all night. It always leaves me in the irritating position of not having anything to say, even though I like to talk. How can I get these women to change the topic?

—Over Baby Talk in Baton Rouge

Dear Over Baby Talk in Baton Rouge,

How close you are with these women? This will dictate how to deal with them. If they are your dearest and nearest friends and family members, you can say something to the effect of, “For the love of God, can we please talk about something other than children?” I have to assume that the nearest and dearest are most likely not your biggest problem but rather all the halfwits out there that have nothing better to say—the people who can’t talk about art, politics, history, current affairs, clothes, tabloid gossip, or even table decorations, so they talk about little Suzy and her meltdown in the park today.

You can either set up rules and limits, spoken or not, such as one funny story about your child per evening. If they do not obey, you can either tell them they have passed their limit or walk away. If you want to be a little more subtle about the whole predicament, have a go with a shocking story from a tabloid or current affairs that will frighten them into a new topic. Or you could try to introduce topics that have to do with children and parenting but are not personal. Try some bigger-picture ideas such as: Should gay people be allowed to adopt? What about in-vitro fertilization and the natural order? Sperm spinning? Should you let your boy dress in his sister’s princess costumes? Is it odd for your boy and his best bud to walk hand-in-hand? Even the stupidest of stupid moms will have an opinion about these issues and will get you out of what Timmy said to Bobby at drop-off and how cute they are. If any of these women are even worth talking to, they will thank you for allowing them to feel like a real human again and not just a care-giving, money-spitting, fight-settling machine.

HOOTERS CASINO BLUES

Dear Delphi,

My best friend of more than twenty years and I decided to have a boys’ long weekend in Vegas just for laughs before we get any further into our middle age. The problem is, my best friend insisted on making the arrangements and has gone and booked a single room (at Hooter’s Casino, no less) with a package that has connecting flights stopping at every state capitol between Vegas and home because he wanted to save money. This is a guy who makes six figures. Twenty years ago I wouldn’t have balked, as I would expect no less than to share a room with my best buddy filled with pizza boxes, beer bottles, and overflowing ashtrays. However, we are now men in our early forties who make very good money, and I have no desire to share a room so I can watch him belch in his underwear, nor do I want to spend twelve hours getting home when it normally takes a quarter of that time. I would also like to stay at a decent casino as opposed to some backdrop from “My Name is Earl.” My question is, how should I go about telling my best friend to stop being such a cheapskate and spend some of that moolah he worked so hard for without hurting his feelings? He takes a lot of pride in being frugal. My wife thinks I should just come out and tell him. Is she right? Or should I just suck it up and go through with it?

—Not a Middle-Age Miser in ???

Dear Not a Middle-Age Miser,

If you care anything about keeping this friend, you have to tell him the truth and object to the weekend plans. If you try to just suck up and endure that kind of Trip From Hell, chances are your friendship will end before your tour of state-capitol airport cocktail lounges comes to an end. Tell him exactly what you think: “Stop being a cheapskate and spend some of the moolah for which you work so hard.” Show him all the nice casinos on the Internet with beautiful rooms and luxurious amenities. Talk about the sweet benefits of being alone in his own room—no wife, no kids, no dog—to do just as he pleases, master of his universe. If he can at least buckle in on the living conditions, maybe next year you can get him to try spending a bit more on travel plans. If you can convince him to just try it once, he will never look back and will probably be laughing that he ever dreamed up such a hideous trip.

LOWBALLING HOW MANY YOU’VE BALLED

Dear Delphi,

I have been dating a man for about three months now. He asked me what my “number” was, as in the number of men I have slept with. I told him I was not going to tell him, and this caused a problem. Do you think I should tell him?

—Should I Tell in Telluride

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Dear Should I Tell in Telluride,

No. Under no circumstances should you tell him your real number—a random lowball number yes, but an accurate number? NO! For God’s sake, NO! You will be safe if you hover around six, but don’t dare flit above ten! No man wants to think they are dating or possibly thinking about marrying and having children with the city slut. It does not even matter if the number is believable. If you repeat it enough, they will believe you because they will want to believe you. If you think, “It is unhealthy to start a relationship based on a lie, whaa whaa whaa,” grow up and ask yourself: Is it better to have a relationship based on a lie or no relationship at all? And just in case you were wondering, it is a good policy to not discuss or point out old crushes, hookups, or boyfriends, even if they are sitting right next to you at dinner. The less he knows about your sexual past, the better. Trust me: Neither of you want him to have visuals of your sex history. So purge most of that history—one by one, erase the notches on your lipstick case. This is definitely a situation where you don’t want to look like a battle-scarred war veteran covered in medals.

MY BROTHER THE COCKBLOCKER

Dear Delphi,

I am a 39-year-old man who has never been married, and I am finally dating a girl that I really think could be the one. My problem is my brother, whose opinion I really respect. He already has a successful marriage and two great children that I love spending a lot of time with. But he is telling me she is leading me on and that she will never take me seriously and I should walk away now before I get hurt. I love and trust my brother, but I really think he is wrong. We have been dating for about a year and I really have no idea where he is getting the idea she is not really into me, even when he tries to explain it with examples of comments he has heard her make. He is like a dog with a bone and just will not stop nagging me to get out now.

—Protesting Brother in Toronto

Dear Protesting Brother in Toronto,

There could be a few reasons your brother is behaving like this: 1. Your brother knows something about this girl that you don’t—something damaging that he doesn’t want to tell you directly, such as he slept with her on multiple occasions while you were dating, or she has a criminal record for trafficking children. 2. He is a little bit jealous and afraid of losing you as part of his own family circle. The minute you have a wife and children of your own, he is not going to be able to depend on you as much as he does now. Nobody with children ever really wants to have to share or outright lose the friendly and helpful uncle. 3. He is simply a disagreeable SOB. 4. He loves you and is being over-protective and you are going to have to muddle through. However, when somebody that close to you has alarm bells going off, it is always a good policy to do a little investigating and not stick your head in the sand like a panicky ostrich.

Man and Woman by Fernando Botero

FEAR OF AN ALPHA FEMALE

Dear Delphi,

I am a 53-year-old man at the very start of a relationship with a very beautiful, affluent, and powerful woman. The problem is that I think she may be too spoiled to handle the truth—this woman has been “Yes’d” to death by sycophants and hangers-on for the majority of her life, and I fear she is not going to put up with my very direct and truthful ways. I really like her and I want to get more involved, but I fear she will never even consider me as a serious option because I don’t buy into aiding and abetting the wealthy simply because they are wealthy. What can I do? Should I walk away now and save myself the rejection?

—Emotionally Disturbed in Exeter

Dear Emotionally Disturbed in Exeter,

Have you considered that maybe a hint of your ego wants to reject the affluent, powerful, and pretty woman just so you can say you did? It sounds like you are worried about yourself getting hurt. It sounds as if you are maybe a bit intimidated as well. And people wonder why the good ones tend to go for the asshole! Well, because the good guys usually can neither stomach the battle nor the thought of loss. Take one for the good-guy team: Do yourself a favor and jump in. Do you really expect to be able to avoid heartbreak? Even a mousy, unsuccessful, and poor woman could break your heart. Women, as long as they are not lesbians, like nothing more than a man—and a “man” is not someone who is worried about being on time to his mani-pedi on Friday morning. So if she is giving you the time of day, stick with it and don’t be a chicken.

If your courage needs a pep talk, go rent Braveheart; that humble clansman saw his wife raped and murdered and he not only caused the king to throw his son’s lover out the window as if swatting a pesky mosquito (maybe the best movie scene of all time), he caused so much upheaval and emotional disturbance that he was publicly disemboweled. It may be historically inaccurate, but it is an inspirational movie. So pluck up, find some courage, and keep moving forward. None of this philosophical, self-preserving gibberish.

AFRAID OF A SPINSTER DAUGHTER

Dear Delphi,

My daughter is 28 and I am worried she is never going to find a husband. I have set her up with many suitable men—and just so there is no confusion, by “suitable” I mean rich—but she never follows through. Worse still, she will not give up on this ragamuffin-type male she has known since she was ten, even though he wants nothing to do with her. What should I do help her find/pick the right man? I want her to find a young Mister before she becomes an old spinster! Help!

—Want a Wedding in Westminster

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Dear Want a Wedding in Westminster,

You need to get used to the fact that there is absolutely nothing you can do to help your daughter find/pick a suitable husband. However, if you still want to hold onto that very thin thread of being able to voice an opinion on the matter from time to time, you should keep doing exactly what you are doing—setting her up with men as long as she will allow it and hope that once in a very rare while mommy knows best and you might stumble upon a good match. The important thing to remember is to never seem too invested in the whole thing; it will keep her more open and give you a better chance of getting the kind of man you want for her through the door. This will require a lot of self-control on your part, so make sure you are up for it. The cardinal rule is to always stay on her side. Even if you think she is a stupid slut who will end up an old maid, never go against a boyfriend or doubt her judgment. Not only will you lose, your opinion will become more than worthless and you will end up planning the wedding of your nightmares. I am not impressed that you think that the only criterion for “suitable” is wealthy; I am convinced you can come up with a bit more suitable list if you could concentrate on something besides a Lexus ad.

TERRIFIED HE’LL NEVER POP THE QUESTION

Dear Delphi,

I am a 35-year-old woman. I have obviously had many unsuccessful relationships; otherwise, why would I be writing you at 35, right? So luckily or not I have been in a relationship for just under a year and I am wondering how long I should wait around for a proposal—or rather, how much time should I give him before I decide to jump ship? I’d rather jump in the ocean and drown than grow old alone!

—35 Dating Dilemma in Dearborn

Dear 35 Dating Dilemma in Dearborn,

It all depends. It depends on how well the two of you communicate. It depends on the circumstances. If he is divorced with a kid and a vasectomy and you want kids, jump ship now! Don’t waste your time and energy trying to convince him into reversal surgery or adoption. If he has told you he does not want children and can’t stand the thought of marriage, listen to him! If he knows that you want a ring and kids because you have told him so (never assume a man understands your feelings or desires) and he has told you he wants marriage and children, I think you should give it some time. Men are not idiots; they, too, can see lines deepening on their face and the ever-expanding jelly rolls in their gut. When he sees the Grim Reaper breathing behind his neck, he may finally propose to you.

NO NUDES IS GOOD NUDES

Dear Delphi,

I was out and about in London the other day when the World Naked Bike Ride went whizzing and flapping and jiggling by me. It was one big disgusting pink blob on wheels! Maybe I am a prude, but I don’t think that people should be biking in public in the nude. I don’t think they should be doing ANYTHING in public in the nude. What do you think? I am really upset/angry about the whole thing, but at the same time I wonder whether I am actually boring and extremely closed-minded, because nobody else seemed bothered.

—No Nudes in London

Dear No Nudes in London,

It is totally inappropriate to be doing any activity in the nude in public: biking, walking, and especially jumping rope. In fact, there are laws against it. If just one lonely person was biking in the nude, they would be stopped by the police and carted off, but if it is 100 naked idiots on bikes and they have most likely asked permission, suddenly it is less indecent because it is for a cause. I don’t know who is stupider—the people on the bikes or the people who allow it! The fact that they think they are accomplishing anything except a really bad sunburn is hilarious. Nobody is going to remember the cause; they will only remember naked idiots on bikes. So I don’t think you are a prude, boring, or closed-minded. Instead, you are clothes-minded, as they should be, too. Why should your eyes be assaulted by hundreds of naked body parts that you didn’t consent to see? Don’t these nude protesters realize the risks involved with their actions? They could give a sweet old lady walking her dog a heart attack. From the sounds of it, they could give the dog a heart attack! Not only is it yucky, it is dangerous. Say no to nude protests. Everyone should be clothed in public—many people in double layers!

BIRD-DOGGING BROTHER

Dear Delphi,

My brother stole my girlfriend. Me and that girl had been dating for two years and while I was out of town doing him a favor, he steals her. It has been a year since then, and I refuse to speak to him or to my mother. She has not totally taken his side, but she is still helping him financially; meanwhile she does not even throw a lucky penny in my direction. OK, great, peachy, as if I did not have enough trouble, now friends are on my case to make peace—as if it was my goddamn fault! I have gotten over some of my anger, probably enough to be decent, but I still don’t want to talk to either of them. What do you think I should do?

—Cuckold in Catalina

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Dear Cuckold in Catalina,

There is no reason to make peace if you don’t want to. If they had cared about your feelings, A) your brother would not have done it in the first place; B) he would not have continued with the relationship when he saw how upset you were; and C) your mother should have very clearly taken your side and iced your brother out at least for a while. It is unacceptable behavior sprinkled with self-indulgence, and there should be punishment for bad behavior. So no, don’t talk to them until you feel like it. A dieting woman who chooses to stuff her face with a punchbowl full of ice cream and then piles on a half-ton of gooey, sugar-coated toppings will pay the price of a wider butt and big belly filled to the brim with self-loathing and frustration; so should your brother and mother have to face the consequences of their despicable behavior. Ignore them until it pains them. Make them feel bad until they burst. Yielding to temptation is no excuse when it comes to family.

TOSSING OUT USED TARTS

Dear Delphi,

My husband and I are in the divorce process. I found out he was cheating on me because one—understand, only ONE—of his many girlfriends called me to bitch about the fact that he was cheating on her with yet another woman. Hard to believe, isn’t it? I am still in shock; it was as if she wanted sympathy from me and some coping suggestions. I hate my husband, but more importantly I never want to have to talk to one of his dumb tarts on the phone ever again; what can I do?

—Pushy Tarts in Tallahassee

Dear Pushy Tarts in Tallahassee,

Screen your calls using as many creative and innovative techniques as possible. My first suggestion is to stop answering the phone altogether if you think chances are high you are going to get a tart call. If you can’t help answering, try to hone your voice-recognition skills. Get good at faking static, dropping out every other word to fake a bad connection, or simply hanging up as fast as possible. If the tarts only have your home phone, tell everyone to only call your cell phone or text you before they call your home phone. If you are feeling brave, vindictive, and are ready to play some offense, then answer the phone, click on the RECORD button, and get them to tell you everything. Make sure you attempt this on an empty stomach so you don’t make too much of a mess—or when you’re drunk enough that you will not remember what they said—and pass the tape onto your divorce lawyer. Then take all those losers—your husband and his tray of used tarts—and toss them in the garbage.

WORKING FOR MR. DICK

Dear Delphi,

I used to be a successful contractor but I fell on some hard times and now I am what I like to call a “property manager,” but most people would call it a caretaker. About six months ago I was hired by a man of equal social and economic standing; the only difference was that, unlike me, his luck did not run out. We became friends, or at least I thought we had; but not only does he never take my feelings into account, he doesn’t even bother to pay me on time and sometimes even asks to borrow a ten when he is running low and too lazy to go to the ATM! What can I do to get a little respect—and, most importantly, get paid on time?

—Working Fool in Flagstaff

Dear Working Fool in Flagstaff,

I chalk your problem up to the lack of formality in the United States. Everybody wants to be Joe Friendly. Everybody wants to be on a first-name basis. Everybody wants to chitchat about themselves and their problems. Problem is, friends don’t and should not work for other friends as nannies, gardeners, personal chefs, or “property managers.” It is bound to ruin the friendship or be a less-than-satisfactory job. We are not all friends and we are not all equal, so if you want your boss to respect you as an employee, then you have to treat him as if he were the employer and not your friend. If you want to be friends with your boss, then quit. Otherwise he is going to take advantage of you as if you were his friend! But if you want to keep your job, try treating him like an employer; don’t listen to his problems, don’t tell him yours, and don’t call him Dick but rather Mr. Dick! Employers aren’t supposed to care about your feelings; they’re supposed to pay you.

REFUSING TO GET A PRENUP

Dear Delphi,

I told my daughter, age 28, to get a prenuptial agreement with her husband. She started ranting and raving that she will never divorce, that I am hoping she gets a divorce, that money does not matter in her marriage, and on and on and on. I really think she needs to grow up and get the prenup. He is unemployed at the moment and she (thanks to me) has quite a bit of money! What can I do?

—Dumb, Doomed Daughter in Dallas

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Dear Dumb, Doomed Daughter in Dallas,

Treat your little girl as if she were an innocent, doe-eyed four-year-old and explain to her, step-by-step, the dangers of her naiveté. Try to draw comparisons that her little pea-size brain will be able to grasp. Does she put her seatbelt on in a car or use condoms? Is she educated enough to understand the concept of insurance? You buy insurance for your car and your house. Actors even insure body parts. So why on God’s green Earth would you not buy marriage insurance? Nobody plans on driving into a Mack Truck or wrapping their car around a tree, but it happens, and when it does it will be a damn bloody mess if you were too arrogant and stupid to make a Plan B and buckle up. If your love-stupid daughter wants to risk it all for the guy behind Door #2, your only hope is to scare her to death. Failing that, take the money back while you still can!

FAILING TO MOURN MY MOM

Dear Delphi,

My mother died and I have been elected as the child that will speak at the funeral. I have been told I am the best public speaker in the family. That’s total bollocks—I’m just the biggest pushover. The truth is that my mother was a horrible person, and not one of the four of us has a nice word to say about her. But one of us, lucky me, needs to stand up and say something, and I have no idea what to say in my speech. As The Beatles said, “HELP!”

—Speechless in Somerset

Dear Speechless in Somerset,

I don’t see why you have to be an insincere liar just so an obviously undeserving person can have a nice eulogy. Unfortunately in this PC-sick world, you risk offending the ninny-nannies by telling the truth. We are all told as children never to tell a lie, and as an adult few things are more offensive than someone looking in your eyes and lying to you. If you want to take on the PC ninny-nannies, tell the truth but try to avoid obviously offensive phrases such as “mean bitch” and opt for a more subtle “strong-willed.” Instead of saying, “I’m glad she’s dead,” say, “We’re all happy she’s in a better place.” You could always not write a speech at all but read a passage from a book or a poem instead. I am sure you can find a passage about good versus evil, the meaning of life and death, or what it means to be a good mother. If you play it right, you can get in some subtle digs against your mother while still making everyone happy. A final option would be to say your mother made it very clear that nobody except the priest was to speak at her funeral. Keep in mind that your potential speech has no real meaning, so try not to get too wrapped up about it. It is a simple formality. Whether or not you give a speech, her soul will still be trapped in a fiery abyss for the next trillion years.

SEXTING A CHEF

Dear Delphi,

I am a 58-year-old woman and I still feel young. I am married to a 65-year-old man who does not feel so young, meaning his sex drive has wilted like an old flower drooping out of a cracked vase. I recently made a friend—a male friend—chatting on the Internet about recipes and cooking (I love to cook). We ended up exchanging numbers to talk about recipes on the phone, and one thing led to another, which eventually led to sexting. Do you think that is cheating?

—Love Sexting in Singapore

Dear Love Sexting in Singapore,

Obviously you are not physically cheating on your husband. But ask yourself this: Would your husband be hurt and angry if he found out you were sexting with another man? Would he leave you? If the answers are yes, there you have it—you are cheating.

If you want a more in-depth analysis, it depends where you and your husband stand on “emotional cheating.” Can he look at other women, or do you consider that a betrayal? If you have an erotic dream about another man, do you tell him? Does watching porn make you or him upset or cause fights? Maybe you are a very open couple and go to swapping parties on a regular basis. It is hard for me to say if sexting is cheating without knowing more about your personal life. Do you fantasize about the messages as a warmup for your husband, or do you wait for a night when your husband isn’t home so you can go all-out with the sexting chef?

It depends on perspective and context. For example, if a father killed the man who raped his daughter, I would call it justice; others would call it murder. So even if cheating feels like justice, it might wind up with murder.

If we want to be technical and leave emotions alone, then sexting would not be considered full-blown cheating but rather a courting technique. So that would make you a married woman engaging in a provocative courtship with a man who is not your husband and who has a common interest. Very dangerous! So if you don’t want to become a bona fide, no-doubt-about-it cheater, be very careful! Start sexting with your husband and store the chef’s messages somewhere special where your husband will never find them.

SHAFTING A SIRE

Dear Delphi,

My father was a real son-of-a-bitch, and I guess I really do believe in karma and that everything you do will come back and bite you in the ass, because now my father is alone, 73, and suffering from Alzheimer’s. Nothing would give me more pleasure than to send him to a dark, gloomy old folks’ home and forget he ever existed, but my wife, who had a great dad, is making me feel guilty about letting him die alone in one of those places. She wants me to take him in, feed him, give him a bed, and let him use our shower. I’d prefer to leave him unwashed, then hang him out to dry.

—Home Care? in Honolulu

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Dear Home Care? in Honolulu,

The great thing about Alzheimer’s is that your father is not going to know who you are, where he is, or how he got there. Really, you could do just about anything—even put him in a tutu and walk him on a leash around the neighborhood—and he would not know the difference. This is obviously not about what your father thinks or feels, because at this point such things are almost completely irrelevant.

Even though you may view sending him to a home as a punishment, it is actually the nice, caring thing to do. It is small-minded and stupid to think that keeping a sick person in your house proves to you or the world that you love them, respect them, or have forgiven them. He is sick and needs special care—care you are probably unable and maybe more than a bit unwilling to provide. Also consider that in many places it is illegal to neglect or abuse the elderly, so you will both be safer if you send him away and let the nurses worry about such trifles. The absolute last thing you want is him wandering out the door never to return and a relative pressing charges against you—that is a double whammy you can easily avoid by putting him in a box and shipping him off to a nursing home. What is best for him is to get specialized care. Whether you decide to go visit him is for your conscience and your wife to battle out.

Let this be a cautionary tale to all parents: You will get old and feeble and maybe lose your mind, so be nice to your children while you can. In the end, they may be the only thing standing in the way of you taking a trip to the mall without your pants in the middle of January.

SKITTISH OVER SKIN

Dear Delphi,

My daughter is getting married this summer, and we just met the husband last night. One little detail she left out was that her husband-to-be is a black man. I am not a racist—well, I like to think I am not a racist. I always thought she would marry someone like me, color included. Isn’t that what daughters are supposed to do—marry someone like daddy? I am upset but I know I should not be. What can I do?

—Desperate Daddy in Durham

Dear Desperate Daddy in Durham,

I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt about being a racist and assume you were simply surprised by the fact that a black man walked through your door only because your daughter did not think it necessary to give you any warning. So either you are obviously a racist and she is the world’s dumbest person—in which case I suggest you take her out back of the barn now and shoot her because she has absolutely no business reproducing—or she did not think you were going to have a problem with it.

You probably would have been surprised by any man that walked through your door and wasn’t your mirror image—an Italian Catholic, a Russian Jew, or a turbaned Indian—so stop worrying about being a racist and get to know the man. I would lay odds that once you get to know him you will find out he is just like you in many ways, defects included.

In the event that I am wrong and you are sincerely upset because the man is black, then I suggest you start thinking about the real problems that can come with marriage and life from this point on that could actually hurt your daughter, who is your flesh and blood: cheating, lying, stealing, abuse, child abduction, sickness, infertility, crippling accidents, or a child’s death, just to name a few. Stop worrying about something so inane as skin color! One of the greatest signs of intelligence is the ability to adjust, so are you smart or simply stupid, stupid, stupid?

STEALING SURFBOARDS FROM A BABY

Dear Delphi,

I went with my three-year-old grandson to a baby party today and I ended up threatening a five-year-old boy. I know that sounds horrible, but he kind of deserved it. Over and over again, I had asked this brat of a child to share the Slip ’n Slide surfboard because my grandson—who is an angel—had been patiently waiting at least 10 minutes for his turn. There were other children waiting as well. Instead of sharing, the brat looked me straight in the eye, deemed me inconsequential, and continued slipping and sliding with the surfboard. Finally I had to tell him I would simply snatch the surfboard away from him if he did not fork it over on his own. When he didn’t budge, I pried the surfboard right out his hands and gave it to my grandson. What I really wanted to do was push that little demon over and be mean to him, but I controlled myself. Had I known who the brat’s parents were I would have told them to handle the situation, but nobody seemed to be watching the kids except me. Now I am worried I should not have gotten involved.

—Protective Granny in Peoria

Dear Protective Granny in Peoria,

What would your grandson have learned if you did not get involved? He would have learned nobody is there to help him. He would have learned how to be tricky, inconsiderate, and defiant to get what he wants. Children learn by example, especially when they are small. If you do not show them how to behave, they will make it up for themselves—and when children are left to make up their own rules, those rules tend to be very lenient. In a perfect world all children would end up being nice, honest, and considerate when left to their own devices. In a perfect world the mother of the brat would have been watching and stepped in and made sure her child shared—no, actually, in a perfect world, that child would never have been acting like a brat in the first place. But alas, this is a highly flawed world, and many parents don’t care what their children do at a party as long as they don’t have to watch them, play with them, or handle any meltdowns. So given the imperfect situation I think you did what was needed to protect your grandchild while showing him the brat was wrong. If the parents approach you I would give them an earful about keeping an eye on their son, and I would not back down. Good work, Granny.

SUPERSIZE MY SEAT

Dear Delphi,

I am a big man and I do not fit it economy-class seats. But my wife, children, and nanny are all small enough to sit in such seats with room to spare. I’m a successful businessman, but I simply hate to spend money unnecessarily. Do you think it would be rude for me to travel in business class while everyone else travels in economy? At the very least, should I upgrade my wife?

—Big Man in Binghamton

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Dear Big Man in Binghamton,

If it’s only a matter of not wanting to waste money, then I would say you should splurge and buy everyone a business-class ticket as long as you can honestly afford it. Your children are not second-class citizens, and making them sit separately from you—in the “back of the bus,” as it were—could have negative psychological effects on them. Simply because they are smaller in stature does not mean their feelings are half as strong or important as yours; actually it is quite the opposite. Even a three-year-old can tell the difference between a big seat and a small seat whether they “need” the space or not.

If you live on a budget and it would be a stretch to buy four more business-class tickets, tell them daddy has to go sit in the big-people seats and leave it at that. Tell them that when they get tall enough or fat enough they can travel up in the big-people seats with you. Your wife knows both the size of your belly and the size of your wallet, so as long as she doesn’t act like a spoiled, bitter bitch, you may be able to get away with your suggested seating arrangements. Nonetheless, I strongly suggest you take her out for a nice dinner when you get to your destination.

GO TO CHURCH OR GO TO HELL

Dear Delphi,

I grew up in a very devout Catholic family. We all went to Catholic school during the weekdays, confession every Saturday night, and Mass every Sunday. My wife, on the other hand, was only ever expected to go to church on Christmas and Easter. We now have children and I want them to go to church every Sunday. My wife is not against the idea, but she never wants to go. Suggestions?

—Believer in Providence

Dear Believer in Providence,

Instead of waiting for your wife to get with the program, what’s stopping you from taking the children to church yourself? If you’re the one who goes to church, you should be the one who takes them to church. Whichever parent knows the most about a subject is the one who should be teaching it to the kids. “Go with what you know,” as they say. It wouldn’t make much sense for you to teach your daughter how to throw a football or for your wife to teach your son how to apply makeup. Then again, I don’t know your family. If you love Sunday morning Mass and your wife just wants to sleep late, then you should tuck her in, kiss her goodbye, and take the kids to church. I’ll bet your wife will follow your lead and be sitting alongside the pews with the rest of you in no time flat.

The worst-case scenario is you take the children to church every Sunday and she never comes with you to church. In that case, is it more important to save her jaded heathen soul or to save your innocent children from the fires of hell?

If you are one of those men who cannot do an activity with the children unless your wife organizes it for you—i.e., buying the tickets, renting the car, booking the hotel, or simply getting the kids dressed—then think up ways to get her on the weekly program. If she won’t do it simply because it is very important to you, my first suggestion would be instill fear in her—fear of God, fear of you leaving, or fear of you retaliating. You decide which brand of fear will work best—even better, try all three.

Dear Delphi,

I have been bedridden recently because I broke my hip in a fall. I am no spring chicken: I am a 70-year-old man and do not expect to live much longer; my body is falling apart! Unfortunately I still have my wits about me. I would prefer to be sick in the mind instead of sick in the body. Only one of my three children has paid any attention to me and I am considering leaving her everything. Is that wrong?

—Alone in Bed in Bedford

Dear Alone in Bed in Bedford,

What it sounds like is that you are suffering from a simple case of man flu rather than broken-heartedness. You broke your hip, you are in bed, and yes, that must be annoying, painful, lonely, and has obviously left you with too much time on your hands to consider where you came from, who you are, and where you are going. So I strongly suggest you hold off on any big decisions such as disinheriting two of your three children, which is always an unfair and bad idea. It is fundamental to keep in mind you are not actually dying—you unfortunately broke your hip but you will recover! And you cannot expect the whole family to show up at your bedside to impart their final sentiments because, once again, you are not dying!

It is simply unhealthy and delusional to sit in bed staring at the wall, TV, or computer while contemplating the abyss and convincing yourself you’re able to make any important decision under those conditions. You are placing yourself in solitary confinement, albeit a comfortable and (hopefully for you) nice-smelling one. Solitary confinement is a torture technique. People simply cannot handle it; it makes them go mad. So Stop, Drop, and Roll; stomp out the flames of your self-pity and rethink your decision. Your life isn’t over unless you want it to be.

Dear Delphi,

I am a French man and I married a very attractive American woman. We live in Bordeaux, where I grew up. Even though she speaks perfect French and has lived here for 10+ years, she never really made any friends. I am a social person and I like to go out, but she usually does not want to come. She never makes plans of her own, and I would like to see her have fun; she is great with kids and deserves a good time. Even though she does not seem bothered about her whole social problem, I feel really guilty. Should I force her to come out more, or should I try to make some American friends for her?

—Friendless Wife in Bordeaux

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Dear Friendless Wife in Bordeaux,

Leave it alone. If she is not complaining and is not causing undue stress in your marriage, leave…it…alone! Trust me when I say that unhappy women are very hard to ignore and nine times out of ten they will let you know in painstaking detail why they’re unhappy.

Instead of asking her to always go out with you and your friends, why not ask her out for a tête-à-tête? Try to do more of the things she likes to do. If she likes going to the movies, the opera, cooking classes, or museums, do the right thing—pretend you’re interested and go with her. Her social life is not your problem, so don’t make it your problem. What is important is that she gets to see you away from your friends. If the only time she gets to have fun with you is when you are having fun with Tom, Dick, and Harry, you will run into some real problems.

So if she’s content with the current arrangement, count your lucky stars. You should only start worrying if she starts making friends.

Dear Delphi,

My grandmother is old and no one wants to help her. I don’t think she is getting the care she needs, but nobody says a damn thing! Yes she is stubborn, and yes she is too old to be told what to do, and yes she definitely gets angry at even the mere suggestion that she change her ways, but she really should not be going up and down the stairs anymore, she really should have a “nanny,” and she shouldn’t even be allowed to drive the car out of the driveway. She’s too old to be doing any of these things herself. Do you think I should say something to her or do something about it, especially considering my father and his two brothers seemed to have washed their hands of the matter and would not mind finding her dead at the foot of the stairs someday soon?

—Granddaughter Duties? in Dartmouth

Dear Granddaughter Duties? in Dartmouth,

Yes, you should say something. Try approaching your father and your uncles with a plan. Draw it up as if you were writing a business plan for investors that includes costs, logistics, short-term and long-term benefits—especially things that will benefit her three sons directly. Maybe they don’t know how to go about helping, and their lack of a strategy looks like disinterest when it may simply be laziness.

If they are unreceptive to your suggestions then maybe they really don’t care if she winds up dead at the bottom of the stairs only to be discovered days later. Maybe she was a better grandmother than she was a mother. If she is an average crotchety old person you can try to go to her directly and explain your concerns and hope she will be reasonable. If she is an above-average crotchety old person you may want to put your plan into effect like making her a bedroom downstairs without telling her and hope she adapts. If she is the crotchetiest of the crotchety, she might not even notice you’ve moved the furniture.

Dear Delphi,

I went for a weekend to the Bahamas with a group of friends. One of the couples has a four-year-old who still poops in his pants. OK, I thought four was old to still be doing that, but it’s really not my concern. My concern is that she left the entire poop package, pants and all, for the maid to clean up. I was appalled; who does that? I think I should set her straight about poop etiquette, don’t you?

—Poop Etiquette in Piscataway

Dear Poop Etiquette in Piscataway,

I think you should without a doubt set her straight! Regardless of whether the four-year-old should be pooping in his pants, it is not OK to just leave it there for someone else to clean up. Tell her that nannies and maids should be treated as if they were part of the family—they take care of her children, for crying out loud. I believe it is the most important job you can perform for another person, and leaving them a poop package is simply not respectful. Ask her: Would she expect her mother, father, or younger brother to clean up a poopy-pants problem? Unless the person’s job description is poopy-pants-cleaner, vomit-mopper, and nose-blower, and that is all they have to do, and they accepted the job on those terms, and they get paid a tremendous amount of money to do it, no mother should be leaving that kind of cleanup for a employee. It is arrogant and disrespectful, just as it would be if you do not clean up after your dog on the sidewalk or in the park.

It is not comparable to having the nanny change a baby’s diaper, because the poopy pants need to be handled like a radioactive biohazard, not simply thrown away. It is a much more unpleasant undertaking. So tell your friend to pull herself together and clean up her poopy child.

Dear Delphi,

I found out I am pregnant with my third child! Needless to say it was not planned. We can barely afford the two we already have. I am already suffocated by the enormous responsibility that comes with children. I almost never get time off, even though both of my children are already in school. I fear I may end up ignoring number three altogether or being mean because I cannot deal with everyone else’s needs anymore! Do you think I should abort for the child’s sake?

—Too Poor to Reproduce in Romania

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Dear Too Poor to Reproduce in Romania,

No! It sounds like you would be aborting for your sake and not the child’s. Your main complaints are not about money for school, clothes, diapers, or doctor bills, but rather about how it is going to make your life harder. The reality is that children are expensive and it is far from easy. It is the hardest job in the world. It is 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, but the benefits are priceless.

Try to think up lifestyle changes that may make it easier for you. If this means moving to a different city to be closer to family or begging your mother to move in with you for 18 months, so be it. If you have to ask friends and family for a loan so you can hire a nanny so you don’t end up going crazy and locking your child in the closet and turning them into a multiple-personality psycho killer before they are four just so you can get some “alone time,” so be it. I don’t know why banks have not yet thought of offering families a nanny loan; it would be a serious moneymaker. Ask friends and family for hand-me-down cribs, equipment, and clothes; anything you can think of. It may not be as fun and cute, but the baby will never be the wiser; they are surprisingly accommodating when it comes to which onesie they are wearing!

If you feel yourself reaching the edge, take a weekend alone or with your husband—whichever is more relaxing—and get away! Go on a “babymoon,” as the Americans call it. It does take a village, so start asking for help and give yourself and your unborn child a chance.

Dear Delphi,

My now ex-husband cheated on me—not one or two one-night stands, either. We are talking a full-fledged, I-am-in-love-with-the-whore relationship, and I am leaving you and the kids to be with her! I even gave him a chance at the time to redeem himself but he would not have it, so we divorced. Now almost two years later, he has been dumped by the whore and is saying he wants to come back. To make it worse, he is going around telling people I am the one tearing the family apart because I will not take him back. What?!!? He keeps calling, texting, emailing, etc. What can I do to make it all stop? I can’t stop communicating because I have to share the children with the ass, but he is disrupting what is now my—and only my—life!

—Ass of an Ex in Estonia

Dear Ass of an Ex in Estonia,

I am glad you are not asking about whether or not you should give him a second chance, because very clearly you should not! He is obviously without dignity or honor; otherwise, he would not be going around playing the victim and trying to make you the bad guy, when it was he who not only made the mistake but took the decision to leave. How downright despicable.

You need to cut out as much communication as possible. Ask a friend, the nanny, or a relative to be your go-between for organizing when and where to pick up and drop off the children, as well as giving special instructions for things such as new allergies or medicines. For any renegotiation of custody terms, no matter how trivial they may seem, go through the lawyers. The more you break contact, the faster he is going to come to terms with the situation he created. Even if the law may not recognize fault in divorce, any human with a heart and a conscience should. What happened to the idea of acceptable behavior in this world? Is no one to be held accountable anymore? He wanted distance and now he has it. Let him revel in its vastness.