Graceland, Memphis

Heartbreak Luxury Hotels

CHARLOTTE, N.C.—The lawyers and CPAs who run Elvis Presley Enterprises have been threatening the city of Memphis for the past two years with plans to dismantle Graceland—the most hallowed redneck house in the world—and move it to another continent. They mean this quite literally. They have ...

Jack Ma

The Joe Bob Briggs 168-Hour Workweek

MADISON, Miss.—Jack Ma, founder of Alibaba, is a big believer in the twelve-hour workday and the six-day workweek. He’s basically a guy who forgot to read Charles Dickens in junior high. Jack believes the 72-hour workweek makes people happy. If you don’t put in that twelve hours, you ...

Take My Wives, Please

MILWAUKEE—There’s never been a better time to be a polygamist. All over Africa and the Middle East they’re loosening up the laws so that a man can rack up as many marriages as he can pay for, although I think the strictly Islamic countries are gonna hold you to four women at a time. If you ...

Hudson Yards

See NYC! Admission Price $11!

NEW YORK—March 1, 2018, will go down as the day New York officially became a Museum City. I don’t mean a city full of great museums, I mean a city that’s become a museum. That was the day the Metropolitan Museum of Art reversed a 148-year policy of free admission and started charging ...

Forget the Mueller Report, I Want the Ames Report

NEW YORK—So after two years of Mueller Reporting, what we know is: (a) Everything worth knowing was leaked to The New York Times in real time and so we already heard it months ago. (b) There are insane people among us who are disappointed that the president is not a conniving traitor and is ...

Facebook Might Decide You’re a Hater

AUSTIN, Tex.—Austin is the only city in America where Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez could speak—as she did last week at the South by Southwest Festival—and listeners say, “She’s a little too conservative for my tastes.” That’s why it’s odd that, in my home state’s ...

Poles Are for Penguins and Polar Bears

COLUMBUS, OH—Let’s talk about this word polarization. There’s no such thing. Stop saying it. Nobody lives at the poles except polar bears and penguins, and even they tend to live quite a few miles away from the actual pole. When people say polarization, what they’re really ...

The Atheists Get Cross-Eyed

NEW YORK—Seven miles down the road from the Supreme Court—about a 15-minute taxi ride—is a 40-foot concrete World War I memorial known as the Peace Cross. The existence of the Peace Cross at the three-way intersection of Bladensburg Road, Baltimore Avenue, and Annapolis Road in the tiny ...

You People Need to Get Nekkid

NEW YORK—Somebody finally found a decent explanation for why people under 30 are so goldurn grumpy. They’re not having sex. Kate Julian, a senior editor at The Atlantic, laid it all out in a December article called “The Sex Recession” that goes into great detail about the question: ...

Gillette Can Kiss My Smooth Cheeks

NEW YORK—The Gillette Fusion5 ProShield is such an amazing razor that I’m willing to stand in the middle of CVS Pharmacy and wait as long as necessary for the Gillette Shoplifting Police to show up and use the secret key that unlocks the cabinet containing the Gillette Fusion5 ProShield ...