When it comes to this whole COVID-19 hall of mirrors and how we possibly find our way out if this creepy carnival exhibit we’re trapped inside hoping it’s not really a cheesy horror movie made flesh, it seems that everyone has an answer except me. The problem is, hardly any of you idiots ...

Ellen DeGeneres was born with this face, and that’s the plain truth. If you think there’s any more nuanced or complicated reason beyond that for why she “became” a lesbian, I strongly beg to differ. She was “born that way” only in the sense that she was born with a bird’s face rather ...

The vampires are back in Malawi again, but no one is taking it seriously. Here, in one of the world’s poorest nations, where the nominal GDP is only $1 a day, one in ten adults has HIV, and life expectancy is only 50, the vampires are back sucking the blood of poor villagers. What’s worse, ...

At a time when it can safely be said that no one on Earth is certain exactly what is happening with this whole coronavirus shebang, it’s dispiriting to see so many people proclaim without a wisp of doubt that they know why it’s happening. If the coronavirus pandemic has taught us anything, ...

Decades ago—long before this surreal pandemic that forever mangled the world as we knew it—I concluded that it was far worse to give someone the common cold by being an inconsiderate, unhygienic slob than to purposely punch them in the face. As someone who’s taken maybe a hundred shots to the ...

Would you rather have a rapist or an Alzheimer’s patient as your president? If Joe Biden gets elected, you may wind up with both, but it’s an important question and a crucial distinction. Despite all you hear about Donald Trump being a rapist, I’ve never seen a single video clip where ...

In the global village, it’s hard to find someone who isn’t an idiot. As the saying goes, “In a pandemic, the first victim is truth.” Or maybe I’m getting that wrong—was the real saying, “In a war, the first victims are the enemy’s virgins”? Actually, I think it was, “In times ...

If you’re a woman whose entire identity is predicated upon feeling sorry for yourself, I have some good news—a recent UN report concludes that, despite all the “advances” of the past century, the world has grown slightly more “sexist” over the past few years. That’s right—as ...

A little over a week ago, Joe Biden was a corpse. Everyone assumed his presidential campaign was dead. He’s still a corpse, but now the serial plagiarist, groper, and forgetter is going to be the Democrats’ nominee for president. How was he able to rise from the dead and take the ...

You probably haven’t heard about the sixteen-year-old girl who got murdered by five other kids early last Monday afternoon on a quiet little street in the quiet little town of Biloxi, Mississippi. If the circumstances had been altered slightly, it would be the only news story you’d heard about ...