The left isn’t good at many things, but they are Iron Chefs at the art of being embarrassing. They are so skilled at it, they take it beyond cringe into actual “douche chills” that send goose pimples up your arms and across your scalp. It’s surprising, really. You’d think rolling your eyes would come first or maybe a brief chuckle, but no. The left’s deadly cocktail of shrill arrogance and extreme ignorance is so intense, it’s become physically painful to watch.
The setup is usually the same: Take a sophisticated concept, oversimplify it into some generic slogans, and scream it at the seething masses in a patronizing-yet-creative way. Oh yeah, if anyone stands in your way: Lose It. That last part is a real recipe for disaster.
For example, if you’re sensitive about racism, I don’t recommend going near Michelle Malkin’s book Unhinged, where angry lefties are so mad at her for being conservative they call her a “disgusting gook” who needs to “go back where you came from” and “shoot ping pong balls out your vagina.” They even threaten her kids. Taliban, eat your heart out. Similarly, homosexuals had better run and hide if a Republican ever gets caught hitting on a guy in a bathroom. (As Coulter put it, “He said he was against gay marriage, not gay sex. He didn’t try to marry the guy.”) Lefties who think being outed is a sacred personal choice will run to the highest mountain and scream, “FAG!” when someone on the right gets fruity. Thank God these politicians are not back at Rutgers. Pro-gay, anti-racist, multicultural feminists will happily become homophobic, racist, xenophobic rapists if an oppressed group dares stray from the left’s contrived dogma. These “progressives” change the rules as they go but are more adamant about the rules than an 80-year-old Stalinist. They rewrite history, turn us into evil incarnate, and then tell us to wake up and smell the coffee.
Speaking of which, the Coffee Party held a rally recently where the American left could get together on a big, cool rainbow and scoff at the racist Tea Party version of America they’ve been duped into believing is real. Where Tea Partiers do un-American shit such as dressing up in old-timey clothes, the Coffee Party will have young people rapping about the mess we’re in and raising awareness—or whatever. They expected it to be like the video for ”Sun City,” but it ended up looking exactly like a Tea Party conference, only with far less people. This video from the meeting encapsulates the sort of cringing only the left can induce. It’s NSFW if your work doesn’t want you wincing so hard that your face turns into a Shar Pei. Click on Play, hold onto your desk with both hands, and prepare to look like a Maxell cassette ad. While the phenomenally uncomfortable atmosphere washes over you, the lyrics will spray napalm on your already addled brain. They should make this a ride at the fair.
Are you all right? It’s a real double whammy, right? I’ve transcribed the lyrics here. Apparently, America was founded on genocide and it then used slavery to become a superpower. This is where the left really gives me the Mott’s. He’s not just a wigger rapping to my parents. He’s wrong. It’s one thing to wave your freak flag high, but when the flag says, “2+2=5,” it becomes unbearable. The left has become a bunch of illiterates holding a book-burning rally called “Read.”
Dear Jonny,
When we got here there were a good 600 tribes. For three centuries we fought against them, alongside them, invited some tribes to our battles, and were invited to some of theirs. The “Trail of Tears” was not pretty, but they weren’t exactly angels to us, either. Besides, the majority of pioneer life was spent Indian-free and had more to do with digging up grandma in the winter to avoid starving to death. Sorry, we eventually won, but that’s life, literally. The Taiwanese “stole” their land from the Taiwanese and the Japanese did it to the Ainu. Hannibal tried to do the same for all of Africa but his elephants couldn’t handle Europe’s chilly terrain. It was all about survival back then, and their lifespan was so short, you’d already be considered an old man, you fucking ingrate. Which brings us to slavery. To quote Buchanan, “We didn’t start it. We ended it,” and to quote Goad, “If slavery made the South so rich, why did they lose?” Slavery made a handful of rich Southerners richer, but the Confederacy’s balance at the Civil War’s end was zero dollars and zero cents. We only became a superpower after WWII, so with all due respect to human trafficking, “What have you done for me lately?” Finally, your heroic memories of the Civil Rights movement are accurate. Way to think outside the box on that one. The problem arises when you assume the America the Freedom Riders drove across is the same one that (reluctantly?) elected Obama. Um, it isn’t. Sincerely,
Me
I don’t know about you, but I was in desperate need of therapy after seeing this video and made all my friends suffer through it in an attempt to get some empathy. So few could last, I offered a $1 reward to anyone who could make it through without turning away. (Congratulations, Pinky and Baby Leg.) Unfortunately, showing a video like this to a large group of people inevitably invites your peers to one-up you. They did. Hold onto your hat.
Lyrics here.
MoveOn made this video to protest a recent Supreme Court decision claiming a corporation can often share the same characteristics as a person. Does it? I don’t fucking know. The question is about as intricate as questions get. That’s why it made it all the way to the Supreme Court. Corporations don’t go to jail for felonies, but they should have the right to have a voice as a collective group. The basic verdict was: “A group of people should be allowed to make a video or donate to a cause or even make a commercial condemning a candidate. They shouldn’t be able to collude with a candidate and get directly involved with his campaign, and they obviously shouldn’t be able to vote, but can a group have an opinion? Why not?” MoveOn conveniently ignored these facts and made their Depeche Mode cover about a completely fabricated decision.
Dear MoveOn,
Go check a law book. Target is people. A group of people can collude and have one shared opinion. You are such a group. If we didn’t have group opinions, the only media that would be permitted would be one-person blogs. Incidentally, why are you only bringing this up now that a group has said they were against gay marriage? You didn’t mind when CNN reporters started working on the Obama campaign (at 1:14). You didn’t care when The New York Times obviously chose the Messiah as their leader and even made a pretty penny selling his wares on their site. But when a group of people come out and say something you don’t agree with, they’re “playing around with our democracy”? Oy vey! If it wasn’t for decisions such as the one you’re fighting against, you wouldn’t have the right to fight against it. Can you stop dancing for a second and listen to me? You’re a con-tra-dic-tion. Also, the people in the store seemed pretty happy you were there and may come back hoping to see your like again. I noticed 1.3 million people saw the video, but I also noticed their stock hasn’t budged since it came out, and they continue to do far better than their competitors. This begs the question: How many watched the video for its train-wreck value and how many were there to be “woken up”?
Sincerely,
Me
The right is often foolish and makes plenty of mistakes. George W. Bush’s entire vocabulary was a face-wrinkler, and Bill O’Reilly did lose his temper a few years ago. However, the left’s “dance like no one is watching” pride has made them black belts in embarrassing. Jonny 5’s petulant rap scoffs at the poor bastards who made his existence possible, while MoveOn use their free speech to rail against free speech. The heebie-jeebies they induce are almost impossible to get rid of, and there’s no indication they’re going to grow up anytime soon. The good news is, I feel totally prepared for the day my kids become teenagers. Bring it on!
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