Taki's Mag

Nostradamus

Nostradamus, whose name means “nose of massive proportions” in Latin, is a famous prognosticator who, if he were alive today, would probably command speaking fees equivalent to what Jesus Christ or Muhammad’s agents could get them, if they were alive today, too. Out of 942 cryptic quatrains the dead French prophet set to parchment with a quill nearly 500 years ago, it’s astounding that at least four, and possibly as many as six, of his predictions sort of seem to have come at least somewhat partially true.

No one disputes the fact that Nostradamus correctly predicted George W. Bush would repeatedly use the term “Freedom fries” in place of “French fries” in the wake of 9/11; that a poor German child named Adolf Hitler would have only one testicle and no more; that Princess Diana would be more handsome than her husband but still rather butch; that FDR would ride around in a wheelchair and use a cigarette holder; that Gary Glitter would be exiled to both Vietnam and Cambodia; or that Joey Buttafuoco would be a car mechanic on Long Island.

It’s not as if any of his predictions were purposely vague or subject to broad interpretations. It’s all out there for anyone with a mind to see. So we decided to smear our eyeballs with his ancient droplets of prophetic pre-cum to see exactly what he predicted for this year. What we predict is that you will be astonished—just like we were.

NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED THAT JOHN BOEHNER WOULD BE ELECTED SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE

The great shameless, audacious bawler,
He will be elected governor of the army:
The boldness of his contention,
The bridge broken, the city faint from fear.
—Century III, Quatrain 81

John Boehner will not only cry at the drop of a hat, this “audacious bawler” will burst into tears even if your hat stays snugly on your head! “Governor of the army” was Nostradamus’s sly way of saying “Speaker of the House,” because they didn’t really have parliaments per se in France back then, and his many fans may have been confused if he had just come out and said “Speaker of the House.” The “bridge” of civility Boehner was supposed to build between Republicans and Democrats has been “broken,” and the entire city of Washington, DC, quakes in “fear” that he will suddenly start crying again.

NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED CONGRESSMAN ANTHONY WEINER’S DOWNFALL

Lightning in Burgundy will perform a portentous deed,
One which could never have been done by skill,
Sexton made lame by their senate
Will make the affair known to the enemies.
—Century II, Quatrain 76

Congressman Anthony Weiner allegedly used a BlackBerry to transmit his now-famous penis pics, and if you pronounce “BlackBerry” with a French accent, it sounds exactly like “Burgundy.” And it was certainly “lame” when Democrat “senate” member Nancy Pelosi made a big deal of his “Sexton” (which is what they called sexting back in the 1500s) and his “enemies” such as Andrew Breitbart made his “affair known.”

NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED THAT RYAN DUNN OF JACKASS INFAMY WOULD DIE IN A CAR CRASH

The Gauls Ausonia will subjugate very little,
Po, Marne and Seine Parma will make drunk:
He who will prepare the great wall against them,
He will lose his life from the least at the wall.
—Century II, Quatrain 64

If you run the phrase “Gauls Ausonia” through Google Translate in French, then Vietnamese, Sanskrit, Chinese, back to Sanskrit, and then back into English, you get “Johnny Knoxville,” star of Jackass and the man who made Ryan Dunn famous for doing things such as inserting small toy cars into his rectum. Dunn recently got “drunk” and, at a speed estimated to be around 130MPH, he crashed his car over a roadside guardrail, “losing his life” and that of his passenger’s. A two-foot guardrail isn’t quite a “great wall,” but it suits our purposes just fine.

NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED THE ARAB SPRING AS WELL AS (POSSIBLY) THE RAPE OF LARA LOGAN

New law to occupy the new land
Towards Syria, Judea and Palestine:
The great barbarian empire to decay,
Before the Moon completes its cycle.
—Century III, Quatrain 97

“The great barbarian empire” is, of course, all of Western Civilization including its quirky little sidekick Israel, which is why Nostradamus purposely squeezed “Judea” in between Syria and Palestine—EXACTLY how those nations are positioned geographically even to this day! “New laws” will be enacted after the dust settles in “new lands.” There’s a remote possibility that this quatrain’s final line did not portend the highly publicized rape of Western reporter Lara Logan in Cairo, but it seems almost inescapable for impartial observers to conclude that she was at a particularly fertile point in her “Moon…cycle,” and that this drove an already frenzied mob of Egyptians over the edge.

NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED THAT THE KARDASHIAN SISTERS WOULD KEEP HAVING SEX WITH BLACK GUYS

The man will be called by a barbaric name
that three sisters will receive from destiny.
He will speak then to a great people in words and deeds,
more than any other man will have fame and renown.
—Century I, Quatrain 76

The “three sisters” could be no other than the Kardashians—Kim, Khloé, and Kourtney—and despite the fact that their initials combined spell “KKKKKK,” these Armenian-American vixens have moved American race relations forward several centuries by hopping atop as many black schlongs as their hungry legs can swallow. They have been banged by more black poles than Rodney King’s head. Knowing that ugly racism persists in America, it’s 100% mathematically certain that one of their black male suitors has been called “a barbaric name.” We know what that name is; we’re just afraid to print it. Let’s all imagine that name together for a moment before we move on.

NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED THE SINISTER RISE OF KOCH INDUSTRIES IN RIGHT-WING POLITICS

From where they will think to make famine come,
From there will come the surfeit:
The eye of the sea through canine greed
For the one the other will give oil and wheat.
—Century IV, Quatrain 15

For nearly a year, dedicated leftist scribes have proved beyond a pubic hair’s width of doubt that Charles and David Koch of Koch Industries—who, as luck would have it, are involved in both “oil and wheat,” and you can be sure it’s Big Oil and Big Wheat—have, through their unparalleled “greed,” paid off a cadre of media “lapdogs” (hence the word “canine”) who bend to their every suggestion, and if you can’t “sea” that, your “eye” is blind, my friend. The brothers’ cruel, behind-the-scenes string-pulling will “make famine come,” and dozens of people who currently subscribe to the print edition of The Nation may be forced into such poverty, they’ll have to view it exclusively online next year. So when you rail against “the wealthy,” forget about George Soros, Ben Bernanke, or anyone named Rockefeller or Rothschild—these Kochs are your guys. They are, shockingly, the only wealthy people on Earth who have ever attempted to influence politics.

NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED THAT DIRK NOWITZKI WOULD LEAD THE DALLAS MAVERICKS TO THE NBA TITLE

At night the last one will be strangled in his bed
because he became too involved with the blond heir elect.
The Empire is enslaved and three men substituted.
He is put to death with neither letter nor packet read.
—Century I, Quatrain 39

The “blond heir elect” is undoubtedly the 7-foot Kraut Frankenstein Dirk Nowitzki, the first white man to lead an NBA team to a championship since Larry Bird’s Celtics beat Houston way back in 1986. The “three men” who were “enslaved” are obviously LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh, African-Americans who, despite their enormous wealth, continue to struggle with slavery’s indelible stain. We’re not certain, but it seems highly likely that the passage about the “last one” being “strangled in his bed” refers to unsubstantiated rumors that Nowitzki vowed to quit masturbating in hotel rooms until he finally won a championship.