On Monday, supporters of Rick Santorum clashed with Santorophobes outside a New Hampshire sports bar. Both sides were angry enough to fight about it. Talk about politics as snooze-ual. Santorum’s apparently a bigot because he’s not bananas about gays, and the “bigots” are mad that pro-gay witch-hunter Dan Savage managed to get his revolting definition of “Santorum” into the popular vernacular. Even Rick’s daughter concedes that this “Google problem” was a victory for her dad’s opponents, but it’s really the same old Christians v. non-Christians beef. Which is really the same old upper-middle-class v. lower-middle-class beef. Which is really the same old traditional v. nontraditional beef. Which is really—wait, just when we were about to die of boredom, a man with a boot on his head shows up and tries to shake Rick’s hand.
His name is Vermin Supreme, and although he’s also running for president, he wanted to congratulate Santorum on a great campaign. This brief moment of sanity was met by rage on all sides, and Supreme was mobbed. He disappeared in a flurry of fists and his media director FluxRostrum was sent careening to the ground. Afterward, Supreme shrugged and told a reporter he’s OK: “I’m tough and rough like that.”
While everyone was using a handful of homos to trot out the same old beefs, a hero broke through the crowd and exposed them for what they really are: a bunch of hysterical babies who will do everything in their power to prevent people from shaking hands. That’s all this election is. It’s a bitchfest.
Here are 10 other reasons you should elect Vermin Supreme as the next president of the United States:
1. HE’S A DICTATOR
Obama has been trying to get things done since day one, but as the Coffee Party pointed out, racists keep standing in his way because they’re racist. Thomas Friedman is right: We need a brief period of fascism without all this democracy getting in the way. Supreme calls himself a “friendly fascist” and a “tyrant you can trust,” which is refreshingly honest.
2. HE’LL INSTITUTE MANDATORY TEETH-BRUSHING
If you can bear looking at a British person’s mouth for more than ten minutes you’ll notice it’s talking about how wonderful your teeth are. They can’t believe we have such huge gleaming Chiclets. It’s called fluoride. Supreme recognizes that our shining smiles define us more than apple pie and football, and he means to keep it that way. “We can no longer be a nation indentured,” he says of his brush mandate. “Our very salivation is at stake.”
3. HE’LL INSTITUTE MANDATORY KIDNEY TRANSPLANTS
Kim Jong-il was popular because he was born on a rainbow, French-kissed a nude Pegacorn, and spelled “America Sucks!” in the sky with orange lightning bolts. He was magic. When Supreme heard this he ripped out his kidney so his sick mother could have it. Like the Bible, you don’t need to understand how he does it. Vermin Supreme works in mysterious ways.
4. HE SPRINKLES HOMOPHOBES WITH FAIRY DUST
Though he happily took a pounding so he could shake the hand of a guy whose last name means “shitty lube,” he sprinkled magic fairy dust all over virulently anti-gay presidential candidate Randall Terry on Dec 19th at the “Lesser Known Presidential Candidates Forum.” Supreme explained: “Jesus told me to turn Randall Terry gay.” This wouldn’t be the first time we’ve had a president who talks to the Lord.
5. HE’LL GIVE EVERY AMERICAN A PONY
This seems a bit crazy but like everything Vermin does, it is drenched in nuance. He says that switching to a pony-based economy kills a whole flock of birds with one stone. It ends our dependence on oil by ending our dependence on cars. The methane the ponies produce is a new energy source that creates jobs and will boost the economy. Their precious manure will revitalize our weakened soil.
6. HE’LL HARNESS ZOMBIE POWER
Zombieism has already been discovered in ants and it’s only a matter of time before it spreads to higher species such as ours. Instead of letting terror win, Supreme suggests harnessing zombies’ power by chaining them to factory floors and dangling brains in front of them. A guy in a bar told me about junkie slaves in India being paid in heroin, and he said it works well. Can we at least try it? Actually, who cares what you think? The guy’s a dictator.
7. HE’LL INVEST IN TIME-TRAVEL RESEARCH
President Vermin Supreme will allocate a large part of the budget for time travel because he wants to go back to 1889 and kill baby Hitler. This is dangerous because we don’t know what effects it could have on the entire space-time continuum, but let’s at least go back to his crib and yell something like, “FUCK YOU, BABY HITLER!”
8. HE’S AN ANARCHIST
Libertarians are great and I love the idea of Ron Paul teaming up with Chris Christie like Master Blaster from Beyond Thunderdome, but we’ve gone way past needing someone who wants to drastically cut spending. We need someone who is going to cut it off and flush it down the toilet. Vermin Supreme is the world’s only wannabe dictator who wants no government whatsoever.
9. HE HAS A BOOT ON HIS HEAD
He has a boot on his head.
10. HE INTENDS TO BREAK EVERY PROMISE HE MAKES
Grover Norquist has Washington, DC in the palm of his hand because he can end the career of any politician who breaks a promise. You know what President Vermin Supreme will do when Norquist threatens to out him for violating the Pledge? He’ll say, “Dude, that WAS my pledge. I said I was going to break all my promises.” You just lost your powers, Super Grover.
Vermin Supreme serves as a constant reminder that this whole process is bullshit. While they all pretend your vote matters and the president you elect can “make your voice heard,” Vermin keeps it real. “Remember,” he said through a bullhorn at a recent convention, “a vote for Vermin Supreme is a vote completely thrown away.” As he so eloquently puts it, “All politicians are vermin. You might as well vote for the Supreme one.”
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