Touching Yourself for Charity

March 19, 2012

So maybe Jason Russell, whom Invisible Children’s website describes as their “grand storyteller and dreamer,” suffers from some deep internal conflict which might have caused him to peel off his clothes and leap around like a psychotic pink gazelle once he started receiving massive public attention. His mannerisms are so in flagrante delicto homo, it almost seems righteous to want to gay-bash him out of the closet for the sake of everyone’s sanity.

Real-life Africans wound up throwing rocks at the screen during a recent outdoor showing of KONY 2012 in Northern Uganda, complaining that all the film’s heroes were white and that neither Kony nor his Lord’s Resistance Army have been spotted in their country since 2006. An open letter to Russell from a Northern Ugandan advocacy group calls KONY 2012 “inaccurate, offensive, and harmful propaganda,” suggesting that its timing “has more to do with your commercial interests than humanitarian interests” and wondering whether “Invisible Children is more about defining the American do-gooders (and making them feel good), rather than the Ugandans.” Other African writers said that “Invisible Children’s Approach…has unpleasant echoes of colonialism” and “The White Savior Industrial Complex is not about justice. It is about having a big emotional experience that validates privilege.” An American girl who says she was born in Uganda went on YouTube to call Russell’s film “bullshit.”

Kony may be a sweaty little cockroach, but he’s hardly a giant threat. He may in fact be dead, and his Lord’s Resistance Army has dwindled down to only a few hundred, all of them exiled from Uganda. While encouraging US military cooperation with Uganda’s government (Obama installed 100 military “advisors” there last October), grand storyteller and dreamer Jason Russell’s KONY 2012 makes no mention of the fact that Uganda’s current election-thievin’ dictator Yoweri Museveni has stacked up millions of bodies during a bloody reign reaching back to the mid-1980s. It fails to note that Museveni’s forces have reportedly engaged in rape, amputation, electroshock torture, disembowelment of pregnant women, and the forcible enlistment of child soldiers before Joseph Kony even got in the game. It doesn’t mention that Museveni once set up concentration camps to imprison two million of the huddled Northern Ugandan peeps that Jason Russell claims he’s trying to save. Russell’s film makes not a squeak about other genocides actively occurring in Africa.

KONY 2012 emits not one prissy peep about the undeclared war between the USA and China for Africa’s resources, including oil reserves recently discovered in Northern Uganda. It doesn’t discuss the fact that all 28 of the people the International Criminal Court has publicly indicted, including Joseph Kony, are Africans. It makes no mention of US efforts to establish a military presence throughout the Dark Continent via its AFRICOM agency.

Then again, one shouldn’t expect too much from a closeted evangelical metrosexual naked hipster filmmaker from Southern California. During this somber moment of reflection as the men in white coats evaluate his mental condition, we must never forget that Jason Russell once suggested issuing T-shirts that said AFRICA IS SO HOT RIGHT NOW and AFRICA IS THE NEW PINK.

When dealing with Africa, it’s important to never forget that you’re dealing with Africa. Maybe it’s best to let Africans deal with it.

Jason Russell’s handlers at Invisible Children dismissed his public freakout as “an unfortunate incident,” a mere “personal health issue” caused by “exhaustion, dehydration, and malnutrition.” His wife/beard Danica Russell claimed her hubby “did some irrational things brought on by extreme exhaustion and dehydration.”

If I had known that public masturbation can cure dehydration, I never would have guzzled all those Diet Cokes.

I pray for Jason Russell. I pray that for an encore, he does something even funnier than running around naked while diddling himself.

If Joseph Kony is alive somewhere, I suspect he’s laughing. And masturbating. And somehow I’m certain he has the good sense not to do it in public.


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