The seven billion huddled residents of this shimmering, twinkling, spinning orb undoubtedly performed millions of kind acts and noble deeds over the past week. The hungry were fed, the naked were clothed, and numberless innocently squeaking kittens were rescued from trees.
But unless the benefactor is a politician or an entertainer, such uplifting tales of selfless largesse rarely make headlines. People would rather read about what’s rotten. Left unattended and undisciplined, most souls fly straight toward the gutter. The media industry’s motto is “If it bleeds, it leads”—and if it doesn’t, nobody reads.
The following ten stories all made the news over the past week. As if stabbing the life from our lungs with an icepick, they all punctured holes through our faith in humanity.
FOUR OBESE TWENTY-SOMETHING NEBRASKANS CHARGED WITH FORCING TWO BOYS TO SLEEP IN WIRE DOG CAGES
Police in North Platte, NE, arrested a quartet of inexcusably corpulent young adults after a neighbor complained to authorities of squalid conditions at their trailer home. Upon investigating, a police lieutenant said he found “trash, dirty clothing, food, and animal feces and urine” throughout the rickety abode. He also found two boys, 3 and 5, sleeping on a ratty mattress inside “a 30-by-42-inch wire dog kennel” that had been wired shut to prevent their escape. The boys’ mother, Ashly Clark, tried explaining it was the only way to keep her sallow young pups from crawling out the trailer window at night. At least the boys showed the good judgment to repeatedly attempt escaping their domicile.
ZIMBABWE MAN CLAIMS PROSTITUTE TRANSFORMED INTO A DONKEY OVERNIGHT
At 4 AM last Sunday morning when police in Zimbabwe chanced upon 28-year-old Sunday Moyo “performing a sex act on a donkey” he’d tied by the neck to a tree in his yard, he claimed that what appeared to the naked eye to have been born a donkey was, verily, a human prostitute he’d hired for $20 at a club the night before. At some point during their wanton marathon of uninhibited consortium, the woman willfully transmogrified into a domestic ass—or at least that’s how Mr. Moyo recalls it. On Monday, Sunday told a judge, “I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested.” He also says he suspects he made the same transformation himself. “I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with (the) donkey,” he told the judge. Moyo’s alibi was not accepted at face value, and the court ordered a psychiatric examination for him.
MAN FIREBOMBS GEORGIA TACO BELL FOR NOT PUTTING ENOUGH MEAT IN HIS CHALUPAS
Early Sunday morning after purchasing a pair of extra-large chalupas from a Taco Bell in Albany, GA, a man described in a police report as having “a voice tone that made [the restaurant’s female manager] believe that he was of the Caucasian descent” phoned to complain that his chalupas had contained an unforgivably meager measure of meat. After the manager explained that the restaurant was closing and they would therefore be unable to make restitution, the irate patron reportedly told her, “You must be one of them niggers up there. That’s all right, I’ll just come and redecorate the place.” His redecoration consisted of lobbing a “melting plastic bottle with a liquid substance” redolent of gasoline at the drive-thru window, causing a small fire. The meat-hungry firebomber’s identity is still unknown.
JUDGE DENIED PENSION AFTER USING PENIS PUMP WHILE ON THE BENCH
The Oklahoma Supreme Court denied former Sooner State judge Donald Thompson his retirement benefits due to his 2006 felony conviction for repeatedly using a penis pump on his naughty bits while hearing testimony in open court. Thompson will continue receiving a pension for his 1974-80 tour of duty as a state legislator, during which, to our knowledge, he never once got caught using a penis pump.
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD BOY JOINS GIRL SCOUTS
After a spate of squabbling and quibbling, the Colorado Girl Scouts have finally agreed to allow seven-year-old Bobby Montoya to join their ranks and sell their cookies. Bobby’s differently surnamed mother, Felisha Archuleta, says Bobby, who still has a boy’s name and a boy’s genitals, has been fond of “girl stuff” since he was two. (Presumably he was as butch as Dick Butkus prior to that age.) Bobby claims to have been bullied for dressing like a girl, and by now we’ve been instructed to believe that his tormentors are ignorant and hateful bigots rather than children acting in accordance with their natural instincts. It is clear that they, and not Bobby, are confused.
WOMAN ALLEGEDLY STABS BOYFRIEND FOR CHEATING AT MONOPOLY
A rumpled, wart-covered, rancid-looking 60-year-old Santa Fe woman named Laura Chavez was arrested for reputedly smashing her boyfriend Clyde “Butch” Smith over the head with a glass bottle and then slashing him with a kitchen knife because, according to her 10-year-old grandson, she suspected him of “cheating at Monopoly.” Police say they found Chavez sitting under her porch drenched in blood and boasting that she “fucked him up.”
WOMAN GIVES BIRTH AS LIVE “PERFORMANCE ART”
Nothing portends a happy, well-adjusted life more than one’s mother squeezing your slime-covered newborn body out from between her legs for all the world to see as part of an art installation called “The Birth of Baby X.” Well, there’s that, plus naming you “Ajax Kotak” as if you were a feminine-hygiene product. In front of art-world witnesses, Li’l Ajax entered this earthly plane Tuesday morning at Brooklyn’s Microscope Gallery. His mother, Marni Kotak, explains that she is “driven to hold onto an authentic personal experience in a world that has essentially become consumed by an unreal hyper-reality.” She then added she sometimes fantasizes she’s a Russian spy named “Marnitov Cocktail.”
SOUTH AFRICAN GIRL DIES AFTER BEING BURNED ALIVE IN “SATANIC RITUAL”
While frolicking with friends near a swimming pool last Friday in Johannesburg, 18-year-old Kirsty Theologo was allegedly bound, doused with gasoline, and set ablaze by four young males in what they claimed was a “satanic ritual.” When Kirsty’s 16-year-old friend attempted to extinguish the flames by rolling her in sand, she, too, was torched. Theologo had been in a coma with third- and fourth-degree burns for nearly a week until she finally gave up the ghost this Friday.
TWO WOMEN PLEAD GUILTY IN PHILADELPHIA “HOUSE OF HORRORS” ABORTION-CLINIC CASE
In January, authorities arrested Dr. Kermit Gosnell and nine employees at his West Philadelphia clinic on murder charges for performing illegal late-term abortions in which at least seven babies were born alive and stabbed to death with scissors. Sherry West, 52, who allegedly was paid $8 to $10 in cash per hour to perform ultrasounds and give anesthesia while often failing to wear gloves despite the fact that she was infected with hepatitis C, pled guilty to administering a fatal anesthetic dose to a 19-year-old female immigrant. Andrea Moton, 34, entered a guilty plea for stabbing one baby to death “that she had pulled from a toilet where it had been delivered.” She also snapped cellphone pictures of an oversized 30-week-old fetus she’d murdered.
LOHAN FAMILY CONTINUES TO EXIST
Except for drugs, we still don’t know what Lindsay Lohan does. Last week during one of her seemingly thousands of court appearances, she looked as if she’d burned her face on a giant meth pipe. Her estranged father Michael, ever eager to wriggle into the spotlight despite a deafening lack of discernible talent or redeeming personal attributes, told a TV reporter his baby girl looked that way because she was “smoking a pipe with meth or crack.” Michael Lohan appeared in court on Tuesday to face charges that he’d assaulted his girlfriend for refusing to perform oral sex on him. Mere hours after being released from jail, Mr. Lohan violated a no-contact order with his girlfriend. When police arrived at his hotel on Thursday to arrest him, he jumped from the third-floor balcony and fell 30 feet, reportedly breaking his foot. He told arresting officers he’s “a sucker” and “an idiot.” Fair enough.
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