The Week’s Most Phallic, Gallic, and Microcephalic Headlines
HILLARY GETS SCHLONGED BY WEINER
After a week that had already seen her lead over Donald Trump in the polls rapidly shrinking, Friday’s news that the FBI was reopening its investigation into Hillary Clinton’s private email server was, as purple-haired DNC chairwoman Donna Brazile described it, “like an 18-wheeler smacking into us.”
And what better time for an 18-wheeler to smack into the Democratic Party than 11 days before a presidential election that may alter the course of American history more than any of its predecessors?
Hilariously, the emails that triggered the new investigation were not retrieved from Clinton’s infamously private server, but from the laptop of the chicken-faced serial pervert Anthony Weiner, who is under investigation for allegedly sexting a 15-year-old girl pictures of what is presumably his severely hooked penis. Weiner is the estranged husband of Clinton’s confidante and presumed lesbian lover Huma Abedin, whose father sympathized with the Barbary pirates and supported sharia law.
The FBI announcement came on the heels of further Wikileaks dumps that revealed that the robotic DNC propaganda machine Media Matters is part of a pro-Clinton money-laundering scheme. This adds to a mountain of previously damaging Wikileaks revelations proving that Barack Obama lied about Clinton’s private server, that Clinton told Wall Street execs that she dreams of “open borders,” that she distinguishes between public policy positions and private ones, that the DNC paid people to incite violence at Trump rallies, that she prayed for the shooters in last fall’s San Bernardino massacre to be white, that she was happy to find a case where a black man was murdered by a white man, and of extensive collusion with major media outlets to sculpt a ceaselessly pro-Clinton propaganda onslaught.
MOBS OF UNIDENTIFIED YOUNG PEOPLE ASSAULT STUDENTS AT TEMPLE UNIVERSITY
Echoing a spate of violent flash mobs that pockmarked Philadelphia five years ago, last Tuesday night a swarming group of 150-200 “teens,” “youngsters,” and “juveniles” randomly attacked students and passersby at the Temple University campus in notoriously dangerous North Philadelphia.
Pundits and police were so quick to proclaim that the attacks had nothing to do with race, it was the verbal equivalent of premature ejaculation—despite the fact that all known assailants were black and all known victims were white.
One person who explicitly mentioned the race of the attackers, yet who declined to say race was a motivating factor, was 50-year-old Joe Lauletta, who posted on Facebook about how his 19-year-old daughter got caught in the flash mob’s savage undertow:
Every part of her body is badly bruised. It makes me cry just thinking about it….She went down in the fetal position and then they pinned her,” he said. Her back is really, really cut up….I find out that her and her 2 male friends where badly beaten by a group of 30-40 black teenagers on their way home from the Temple football game….These sick animals held her down and kicked and stomped on her repeatedly.
If history is any indication, the “racist” tag will not be used against the sick animals but against the man who used the term “sick animals.”
ALEX JONES FINGERS THE “JEWISH MAFIA”
Because he so frequently acts insane, it is easy to dismiss Alex Jones as insane, despite the fact that he and his cohorts at Infowars often dig into legitimate stories that the mainstream media would be terrified to research because it would implicate them in wrongdoing. It is this toxic combo of insanity and “speaking truth to power” that make some suspect that Jones is a government plant designed to gaslight anyone who questions government power as a lunatic “conspiracy theorist.”
Because he rarely mentions Jews by name in his endless attacks on globalism, Jones is accused by those whose antenna are always pointed toward Jews of being a “Zionist shill.” But on Tuesday’s episode of The Alex Jones Show, the apopleptic chubster fingered a “Jewish Mafia” and blamed it for maliciously meddling in American affairs:
I mean it’s not that Jews are bad; it’s just they are the head of the Jewish Mafia in the United States. They run Uber. They run the health care. They’re going to scam you. They’re going to hurt you…I mean it’s, like, if being against Jews that are weirdo Nazi collaborators and gangsters makes me anti-Semitic, then fine…I’m not against Jews, but at a certain point, when you people call you out, I’ve been called out in hundreds of newspapers in the last month, as being anti-Semitic, because I talk about a global, corporate combine.
Singled out for Jones’s scorn were the exceptionally unattractive George Soros, Madeleine Albright, and tiny-fingered baby lizard Rahm Emanuel.
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