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The Week That Perished

October 23, 2016

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The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Unreliable, Unverifiable, and Unjustifiable Headlines


JOURNALISTS PUT THEIR MONEY ON CLINTON
Despite reams of evidence that American media is tilted heavily leftward, everyone knows that the idea of a “liberal media” is a paranoid myth peddled only by elderly white men with low, saggy balls who hang out in their trailers wearing nothing but black garter socks while polishing their rifles and watching Faux News all day.

This must be why most of the mainstream media, objective truth-diggers that they are, largely ignored recent Wikileaks revelations that most of the mainstream media takes its orders from the Democratic National Committee.

It also must be why they aren’t making a big to-do, nor even the slightest hint of a kerfuffle, over a recent analysis by the Center for Public Integrity that showed when “people identified in federal campaign finance filings as journalists, reporters, news editors or television news anchors” made political donations of over $200 during this presidential campaign, 96.4% of it went to Hillary Clinton rather than Donald Trump. Of $396,000 in donations, a paltry $14,000 went to Trump and the rest to the Cackling Sapphic Hag.

WOULD PRESIDENT TRUMP BRING BACK SLAVERY?
Although Donald J. Trump has yet to publicly discuss any imminent plans for reviving the institution of black slavery in the United States, a prominent black spokespeep has taken to the pages of the once-slightly-venerable TIME magazine to publicly vent his insane and preposterous fears that “America Could Enslave Black People Again.”

Tavis Smiley, whose name is so black you don’t even need to Google Image him for confirmation, is a black man who is paid handsomely to speak as a black man on topics which may or may not have anything to do with being a black man but to which he insists upon bringing his black-man perspective, anyway. He takes it upon himself to speak for the underprivileged and the “infirmed,” even though neither he nor his editors at TIME seem to realize that’s not a word. Smiley says he “swallowed hard” and said “whoa” to himself when a “dead serious” student asked him whether our current supercharged racial climate could possibly mean an imminent re-shackling of black Americans and a return to a life of degradation where they are forced under threat of bullwhip to pick cotton and sing spirituals like they show in all those movies.

“Corporations shouldn’t be expected to reward employees for being indecisive.”

Smiley told the student that it could happen. Yes. It could happen. He fears it happening. And what would happen were it to actually happen? People who make a living by saying they fear it would happen would be out of a job.

In solidarity with the world’s fearful Tavis Smileys, a cabal (bevy? flock?) of over 250 female rabbis signed a document slamming Donald J. Trump for spewing “hate speech” and allegedly groping the genitals of women who it is safe to assume are more physically attractive than your average female rabbi.

GAY MAN HORRIFIED THAT HE STILL GETS CALLED A “POOF” ON LONDON’S STREETS
Robbie de Santos is an extremely gay man—so gay, one would fairly expect that a mild wind on Trafalgar Square could lift this Londoner off his feet and into the air like Mary Poppins, never to be seen again.

In honor of the annual hootenanny that is Hate Crime Awareness Week in England, de Santos recently told a reporter that even though it’s been a dozen years since he was violently assaulted on London’s streets for being what is known in low-rent circles as a “fudge-packer” or a “turd burglar,” he still can’t believe that in this day and age, “I still get called poof on the street in London.”

The Standard, the newspaper that carried Robbie’s lament, refused to print the hateful term in full, opting for the more restrained “p**f,” but everyone knows he meant “poof,” and how will we as a society ever get over such hateful terms as “poof” if even our guardians in the media are afraid to spell it?

In other news about poofs (pooves?), a recent study found that bisexual Englishmen make 30% less than “gay colleagues” and 20% less than heterosexual males. Whether this is due to biphobia or simple common sense is yet to be determined—after all, corporations shouldn’t be expected to reward employees for being indecisive.

SEVEN-YEAR-OLD MUSLIM BOY USED AS PROP IN HATE-CRIME HOAX
Itty-bitty teeny-weeny Abdul Aziz Usmani was living in the unforgivably racist state of North Carolina when a group of about five white infidels at his school tried to force him to eat haram food. As if that wasn’t Islamophobic enough of them, they beat him mercilessly when he refused in a prolonged gang attack that started at school and lasted all the way home on the bus. The beating was so egregious that his mother swore she was leaving the United States. This story is a tragic example of the small-minded bigotry that infects white Americans in small towns, except not a word of it is true.


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