The Week That Perished

May 29, 2016

Multiple Pages
The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Agitated, Denigrated, and Constipated Headlines

Canada is a giant nation just north of the USA that sprawls the North American continent east-to-west. But very few people pay attention to Canada, largely because it is bland and uninteresting. Most of what passes for “public discourse” in that frozen, barren cultural wasteland consists of barely concealed rage and jealousy that the USA gets all the attention.

At any given moment, Canada is also about 15 years ahead of the USA down the murderous path of instituting Cultural Marxism as a state religion that must not be transgressed under penalty of death. White Canucks are leaping and galloping their way toward being the most genetically constipated and proudly ethnomasochistic white liberals on God’s green earth.

Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s mother had sex with members of The Rolling Stones, most likely without condoms. In his quest to be even cooler than his mom, Trudeau is pushing a bill that would protect Canada’s eternally vulnerable transgender community by sending offenders to prison for up to two years if they dare commit the unpardonable sin of uttering “anti-transgender speech.”

In a gesture of solidarity with homos, trannies, and bisexual weirdo perverts, Trudeau recently issued a statement to commemorate the International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia, and Biphobia:

As a society, we have taken many important steps toward recognizing and protecting the legal rights for the LGBTQ2 community….There remains much to be done, though. Far too many people still face harassment, discrimination, and violence for being who they are. This is unacceptable….To do its part, the Government of Canada today will introduce legislation that will help ensure transgender and other gender-diverse people can live according to their gender identity, free from discrimination, and protected from hate propaganda and hate crimes.

“LGBTQ2”? What is that, a sequel? Or is that some new gay molecule or something? Under this new law, will you go to prison for referring to your car’s transmission as a “tranny”? And why would any man in his right mind want to wear a dress in Canada? It’s way too cold!

“In a nation torn asunder by this seemingly trivial issue, leave it to the Klan to offer the reasonable solution.”

Way down South, those wascally wabbits in the Ku Klux Klan stand accused of spreading anti-tranny fliers in bathrooms throughout Alabama and Mississippi.

Here is the text of the flier, reprinted unchanged:

is an abomination according to the Kings James Bible

Deuteronomy 22:5
“A woman shall not wear that pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman’s garment: For all that do are an abomination unto the Lord Thy God.

These freaks are jeopardizing the safety of bathrooms all across the nation for our women and children. This needs to STOP

There is no confusion
If you have a PENIS — Use the MENS ROOM
If you have a VAGINA — Use the LADIES ROOM

if your confused and don’t know what sex you are today

In a nation torn asunder by this seemingly trivial issue, leave it to the Klan to offer the reasonable solution.

In an incident that manages to be both comical and poetic, a butch Connecticut woman claims she was “a victim of transphobia” after another woman in a Walmart restroom mistook her for being a male-to-female tranny. According to the square-jawed and wide-shouldered Naugatuck resident Aimee Toms, she was washing her hands in the ladies’ bathroom when another woman approached her shouting, “You’re disgusting!” and “You don’t belong here!”

Because she is clearly not a lonely and attention-seeking narcissist, Toms uploaded a video of herself sharing her traumatic story with the world:

I was a victim of transphobia today as a cisgender female because my hair is short….She thought I was someone who was transgender. She thought I was a dude who was hiding in the women’s bathroom….I’ve had people call me all sorts of names for having short hair. I’ve had people call me a boy, I’ve had people call me a dyke, I’ve had people call me gay….I’m grateful that that woman only called me disgusting and didn’t physically attack me.…

You are lucky indeed, Aimee. By the way, have you ever had anyone call you boring?

Adorable lesbian gorillas prove that homosexuality is not unnatural,” chirps a dutiful and, like, totally scientific headline in Raw Story. Envisioning a future world in which trans-species acceptance of alternative lifestyles is not only tolerated but celebrated, the article maligns “Anti-LGBT groups and Bible-thumping conservatives” for not realizing that animals engage in same-sex activity throughout all of Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. The article features a candid photo of two female gorillas who, to be quite frank, aren’t all that adorable. The caption describes the two hairy girls as “engaging in ventro-ventral homosexual mounting” and explains that the “mountee is uttering copulatory vocalizations.”

But this misses a huge point—lesbian gorillas, no matter how loudly they utter copulatory vocalizations, have no concept of being “gay.” They follow no historical narrative that depicts them as an oppressed group that needs to rise up and receive full governmental protections, freedom from persecution, and taxpayer-sponsored condoms for when they choose to engage in ventro-ventral homosexual mounting. When lesbian gorillas have sex, they do it on their own dime.

New Zealand’s department of Land Information is asking the world to help them rename Nigger Stream. Nestled just west of Nigger Hill in the Canterbury Land District, the sparkling stream’s name has been deemed problematic and unacceptable. The contest to rename Nigger Stream will run “until either 1 July 2016 or 26 August 2016,” which is frustratingly inexact for such an exciting contest. We suggest “Coon Creek.” Send your suggestions to

Celebrity atheist Richard Dawkins has suggested that students who attempt to suppress free speech on campus may simply be dumber than those who don’t. In an interview with The Australian, the evolutionary biologist and perennial God-baiter said:

There seems to be a tendency among some students – perhaps the less intelligent – to suppress free speech.

When a group of bug-eyed, shimmying, twerking, loping, ball-groping, Black Lives Matter activists shut down “Dangerous Faggot” Milo Yiannopoulos last week at DePaul University, they appeared to be of the “less intelligent” variety of Homo sapiens.

According to Think Progress, which is funded by a nice old Jewish man named George Soros, “Donald Trump has an anti-Semitism problem.” Jonathan Weisman, another nice Jewish man who writes for The New York Times, claims that he has been relentlessly harassed by anti-Semitic Trump supporters, although “I am not the first Jewish journalist to experience the onslaught.” And Ben Shapiro, who is roughly as tall as a lawn jockey, has repeatedly informed the world that Trump’s ascendancy has exposed him to the ugly and acne-ridden visage of American anti-Semitism in all its florid yuckiness.

What’s odd is that Trump speaks well of Jews, reminds the world that his daughter has magically transformed into a Jew, and claims to love “the Jews” just like he loves “the blacks” and “the Hispanics.” Maybe it was the time he told a group of Jewish donors “I don’t need your money?” Or was it the time he tooted his golden dog whistle warning about the “false song of globalism”?

We here at Taki’s Mag encourage the world’s Jewish people to contact us and explain why you don’t like Donald Trump.

Since black Trump supporters are just about the most enjoyable thing in the world these days, we close out this week with a nod to a self-described “Liberated Negro” named Jeffery McNeil, who writes:

It’s embarrassing to see how many Negroes walk around grinning with Obama shirts and hats. They have a black president who did so little for them….Although I’m of African descent, I don’t share the same plantation mentality prevalent among Negroes….Message to my black brothers: You are free, you no longer have to stay on the liberal plantation. Donald Trump is the next Harriet Tubman….All aboard! The Trump Train’s coming, but will the black man have enough sense to get on board?

Only time will tell, Liberated Negro. The history books will also tell whether Donald Trump is remembered as the new millennium’s first truly Liberated Caucasian.

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