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The Week That Perished

March 05, 2017

Multiple Pages
The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Cynical, Inimical, and Rabbinical Headlines

PRESS COVERAGE OF TRUMP: 88% HOSTILE
Because President Donald J. Trump is a realistic and intelligent man, he despises the press. Even though they started this war with him, yet they seem to lack both the honor and the insight to quit—or at least take a time-out to figure why their old tricks no longer work.

A study of Big Three evening newscasts for the first thirty days of Trump’s 1,000-year presidency found that Trump occupied 54% of all airtime on evening news—with 88% of the coverage negative. This is noteworthy because the survey purposely screened out “identified partisans” and focused only on comments by reporters and average citizens. Thus, you have anchors posing as objective journalists but making bitchy comments about “presidential statements divorced from reality” and “President Trump’s false claims.”

We are a tad disappointed at this study’s results. Not until media coverage of Trump is 100% negative will he be living up to his glorious potential.

CHARLES MURRAY SPEECH COMES APART
Charles Murray is a self-identified libertarian author whose 1994 book The Bell Curve spawned 100 “response” books attempting to refute the chapter about racial differences in IQ. These differences are statistically significant and have never been refuted. Murray also wrote Coming Apart (2012), which examines anomie and dysfunction among America’s white working class.

“Not until media coverage of Trump is 100% negative will he be living up to his glorious potential.”

Of course, saying anything short of “white people are evil” is a sure way to cause a near-riot on college campuses these days. So on Thursday afternoon as the lumpy yet genteel Murray attempted to launch into his speech at Middlebury College in the exceedingly white state of Vermont, a scraggly cabal of mostly white students and apparently every living black person in Vermont—yes, all half-dozen of them—stood up, turned their backs to the stage, read some asinine prepared statement, and began their chanting. They started with “Who is the enemy? White supremacy!” but finally settled in on “Charles Murray go away. Racist. Sexist. Anti-gay.” They did this for a solid EIGHTEEN MINUTES while Murray stood flummoxed at the podium until school officials ushered him into a private room where he delivered his speech via livestream.

Murray later tweeted that the students were “seriously scary.”

RACHEL DOLEZAL’S TRANSRACIAL JOURNEY, CONT.
If there is one wigger on earth more entertaining than Shaun “Talcum X”  King, surely it is Rachel Dolezal, the disgraced former president of the Spokane chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. Outed by her white Montana parents—so white by Hollywood standards that they lived on the side of a mountain, spoke in tongues, and wrote “Jesus Christ” as the only other witness on her birth certificate—she has decided over a long, twisted, torturous, painstaking, breathtaking, and hilarious journey that she is, indeed, a black woman. And she doesn’t even care if white people, black people, and trannies all reject her:

There’s no protected class for me. I’m this generic, ambiguous scapegoat for white people to call me a race traitor and take out their hostility on. And I’m a target for anger and pain about white people from the black community. It’s like I am the worst of all these worlds.

Sounds about right, babe.

She is so freaking black, she legally had her name changed to Nkechi Amare Diallo last October. According to one report, Nkechi is short for Nkechinyere, an Igbo word meaning “gift of god.” We prefer to imagine that some African trickster fooled her into adopting a name that in an obscure tribal dialect means “painful rectal itch.”

After being publicly outed as a freckly blonde white girl in 2015, the woman newly minted Nkechi Amare Diallo has fallen upon hard times. She is feeding her three black children on food stamps. She claims she’s applied for over 100 jobs but has only been offered employment in porn and on reality TV.

The World’s Most Hilarious Lady Wegro prefers to think of herself as “trans-black” rather than white, but since nobody wants to claim her, let’s just call her “transfused.”

TRANNY WRESTLER WINS STATE CHAMPIONSHIP
Mack Beggs is a very macho-sounding name. Mack won the Texas state title in high school wrestling for the 110-pound weight class last week, capping an undefeated 57-0 season. Beggs, 17, won the girls’ title, you see. Beggs still has a vagina but identifies as a male and receives testosterone therapy, but Texas law will not permit her to wrestle males, so instead she gets all T’ed out and flattens 57 girls in a row. Many wrestlers forfeited their matches against Mack for fear of “imminent threat to bodily harm.”

It recalls the case of Fallon Fox, a dude who identified as a chick and proceeded to make a name for himself body-slamming chicks in MMA competitions.

Apparently if you’re a tranny—either direction—and want to get into full body-contact sports, you’ll be playing against chicks. We are not yet aware of a female-to-male tranny engaged in blood sports against a natural-born male, but it’d be a delight to watch.

NEUTERING THE LANGUAGE IN WALES
Wales is a craggy and blustery country, which makes it all the more tragic that its male citizens are undergoing the same sort of ritual psychic castration that besets nearly all modern Western nations.

At Cardiff Metropolitan University—Sir Richard Burton reportedly ate a powdered donut there once—new guidelines on “Inclusive Language” are taking the “man” out of almost everything.

For example, “best man for the job” should be “best person for the job” and “man-hour” has metastasized into the unforgivably clunky “person-hour.” Your forefathers are dead and should heretofore be referred to as your ancestors and forebears. “Manpower” is now “human resources,” a department which to our knowledge has never employed a man. Your “right-hand man” is now your chief assistant, and sportsmanship is just plain ol’ simple “fairness.”

We urge the formation of a new movement—Males of Wales. Resist. Organize. Show them the true meaning of manpower. Your coastline is too rugged for your nation to turn into another low-T nursery of squalling pajama boys.

DIVERSE MIGRANTS ACCUSED OF SATANIC GANG RITUAL MURDER
According to many accounts, the El Salvadoran street gang MS-13—AKA Mara Salvatrucha—is one of the most flagrantly violent organized criminal enterprises in the world. Authorities in Houston have charged two MS-13 members with aggravated kidnapping and murder for the February 16 satanic ritual killing of a 15-year-old girl known only as “Genesis.” According to police, she accidentally bumped into the gang’s shrine to a satanic saint and paid with her life when one of the gang members said the saint spoke to him and demanded a “soul” in return for the transgression.

Both MS-13 members, 18 and 22, are in the country illegally and help make this country the vibrantly boiling cultural goulash it is.

THREE SOLITARY PEAS SWIMMING IN A BOWL OF SOUP
In a recent interview with Australia’s Herald Sun, a 99-year-old survivor of Stalin’s Holodomor, which two dozen countries recognize as a purposeful act of genocide, recalls his hunger:

I have a vivid recollection of one day going to the station with the school and near the station there was a woman with a child lying on her—both had died….At school we had a little bowl of soup which was served to us—it had like three solitary peas swimming in it—and we were given a tiny little piece of bread to go with this.

For those of you who’ve seen 10,000 Holocaust films but are wondering when they’ll make one about the Holodomor, wonder no longer—Bitter Harvest is currently playing in theaters. It appears to be schlockily romantic, especially given the grim backdrop, but hey, it’s a start.

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