News

The Week That Perished

March 12, 2017

Multiple Pages
The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Spoiled, Soiled, and Uncoiled Headlines

UNIVISION ANCHOR: “THIS IS NOT A WHITE COUNTRY”
Emmy Award-winning Univision TV anchor Jorge Ramos is often referred to as the “Walter Cronkite of Latin America,” and we’re not sure what that says about Walter Cronkite or Latin America. To be honest, we’ve never met any so-called “Latin American” who was able to speak Latin, either.

Ramos speaks with a funny accent that is so extreme that sometimes it sounds like complete gibberish and we can’t make a word out of it. He is perhaps most famous for getting kicked out of a Donald Trump press conference for rudely attempting to ask a question out of turn and thereby disgracing his entire race.

During an appearance last week with Tucker Carlson—who is shaping up to be quite the interrogatory apex predator—Ramos boldly declared that this country does not belong to the gringos, Anglos, gabachos, gueros, and the human Howdy Doody dolls such as Carlson who think they’re so superior with their white skin and their white privilege and their steam-pressed white slacks:

The interesting thisg is with the Trump administration and many people who support Donald Trump they think it is their country, that it is a white country and they are absolutely wrong. This is not a white country, this is not their country, it is ours, and that is precisely what I’m saying. Look in 2044, the white population will become a minority, it will be a minority/majority country, that is precisely what I’m saying.


Carlson ,who referred to Ramos as a “blue-eyed rich Mexican” elsewhere during the exchange, pivoted and said, “Let me just point out that you are white, obviously, you are whiter than I am. You’ve got blue eyes. I don’t know exactly what you mean by white or Latino.”

Ramos had no response, but he looked horribly offended at the accusation that he is white.

“Ramos had no response, but he looked horribly offended at the accusation that he is white.”

OSCAR-WINNING ACTRESS CLAIMS HER MORAL COMPASS IS IN HER VAGINA
For billions and perhaps even trillions of years, the patriarchy unfairly squashed women under its testosterone-addled thumb by refusing to take them seriously. But after the women’s liberation movement of the 1960s, women unshackled themselves from this oppression and proved their worth by casting witches’ spells against Donald Trump and acting as if their vaginas are political manifestos rather than reproductive organs.

On The Late Show With Stephen Colbert last week, two-time Oscar-winning actress Cate Blanchett said that the most important thing in life was one’s “moral compass.” When Colbert asked her where hers was, she said, “It’s in my vagina,” to uproarious, YOU-GO-GIRL!!! applause.

If it is indeed true that most modern women have their moral compasses located in their vaginas, no wonder so many of them seem to lead such aimless and meaningless lives. It’s dark in there, so it’s hard to read a compass.

WOMAN SCRATCHES HER OWN FACE WITH “SAFE SPACE” SAFETY PIN
Halley Bass is a 21-year-old Michigan woman who looks like a fat dude with glasses. Last Monday in an Ann Arbor court she pleaded guilty to filing a false police report regarding a November 15 incident she originally claimed was a hate crime.

Less than a week after Donald J. Trump’s eternally inspirational electoral victory, Bass told police that a white male who appeared to be in his mid-40s slashed her face with what she believed to be a safety pin. She told investigators that the attack may have been prompted by the fact that she was wearing one of those annoying anti-Brexit “safe space” safety pins, as if anyone in downtown Ann Arbor would even know what the hell that was or, for that matter, even what “Brexit” was:

The significance of the safety pins is that…to sort of like to show a solidarity with immigrants who feel threatened by Brexit. Um…but now it’s…for people who feel threatened by president elect, Trump’s his name….Um, so it was, it was to show, yeah, solidarity with the people like we show your fear and we want to help you get through it.

But after elements of her story didn’t add up, Bass eventually admitted that she’d made up not only the attack, but the middle-aged white male who flew into a rage at the sight of a safety pin, which he naturally interpreted as a refutation of Brexit, a topic which is so important to middle-aged white males in Michigan, they physically attack mannish women who disagree with them about it. She admits she made the scratch on her own face because she was upset about something she’d heard in her Women’s Literature class.

Shouldn’t there be an island for people like her? Madagascar, maybe? Tasmania? Rikers?

WHITE FEMALES COMMANDED TO STOP WEARING HOOP EARRINGS
Pitzer College is a pricey private school in California and is not to be mistaken for Pfizer, the manufacturer of Viagra. It garnered a brief burp of notoriety last year when some female Students of Color took out an ad specifically seeking a nonwhite roommate. The school’s Girls of Color are in the news again after explicitly instructing white women on campus to discontinue their racist practice of wearing hoop earrings.

On one of those annoying campus “free speech walls” that rarely tolerate true free speech, some sassy Latina spray-painted the phrase, “White girl, take OFF your hoops!

When asked to elaborate by befuddled and possibly hoop-wearing white girls, a female member of the “Latinx Student Union” mass-emailed the entire college:

[T]he art was created by myself and a few other WOC [women of color] after being tired and annoyed with the reoccuring [sic] theme of white women appropriating styles … that belong to the black and brown folks who created the culture. The culture actually comes from a historical background of oppression and exclusion. The black and brown bodies who typically wear hooped earrings, (and other accessories like winged eyeliner, gold name plate necklaces, etc) are typically viewed as ghetto, and are not taken seriously by others in their daily lives. Because of this, I see our winged eyeliner, lined lips, and big hoop earrings serving as symbols [and] as an everyday act of resistance, especially here at the Claremont Colleges. Meanwhile we wonder, why should white girls be able to take part in this culture (wearing hoop earrings just being one case of it) and be seen as cute/aesthetic/ethnic. White people have actually exploited the culture and made it into fashion.

Technically, hoop earrings date back to Rome, Greece, and the ancient Middle East. In reality, the only thing Mexicans ever invented were nachos.

PAM AND JULIAN SITTING IN AN EMBASSY, K-I-S-S-I-N-G?
Pamela Anderson starred in Baywatch but is perhaps best known for having fake boobs, Hep-C, and polishing rock star Tommy Lee’s fourteen-foot harpoon in a homemade sex video.

Now comes word that the ditzy tit-monster is having a romantic fling with world-famous interpretive dancer Julian Assange. The paparazzi have caught Pam on numerous occasions making “mysterious late night visits” to the Ecuadorian embassy in London where Assange has been festering ever since some highly dubious rape charges were filed against him in Sweden six years ago.

Last Thursday on her blog—yes, she has one—Anderson wrote of Assange:

I think he’s quite sexy. He has tremendous strength and stamina—though vulnerable. Hard to imagine him that way—as capable as he is. But, he is up against the biggest super powers in the world.

At press time, unconfirmed rumors allege that Assange has dumped Anderson and is now dating Kid Rock.

VERMONT MAYOR SAYS HIS REFUGEE PLAN COST HIM HIS REELECTION
Christopher Louras had been mayor of Rutland, Vt. (population 16,500) for ten years. Last week he lost his bid for a sixth term, and he’s blaming it on his support for a plan that would have resettled 100 Syrian and Iraqi refugees to the bucolic village amid the beautiful Green Mountains every year.

I got smoked in this election,” Louras laments. “I thought it was going to be close. I was not going to be surprised if I lost, but I was surprised by the margin….If refugee resettlement cost me my job, so be it. I’m proud of that. If that’s what cost me my job, bringing those nine people here, bringing those five children here, good. That’s fine.”

OK, fine. Now get out of office.

MALE MAKEUP ARTIST PLANS TO GO ON PLASTIC-SURGERY BLITZ TO BECOME “GENDERLESS ALIEN”
Vinny Ohh is a 22-year-old alleged male from LA who has already shelled out an estimated $50,000 in plastic-surgery procedures to fulfill his quest to look like a “sexless alien being.” Such procedures have already included laser treatment, cheek, brow, and lip fillers, Botox sessions, facial peels, and cryo facial freezing.

Ohh claims he plans to one day remove his genitals and adopt children.

He plans to fork over an additional $160K or so to fulfill his quest to become the alien he always knew he was inside. Procedures yet to be undertaken include genital, nipple, and navel removal, ear pinning, forehead realignment, jaw and cheek implants, eyelid revision, and a nose job—all, of course, to become the natural-born Martian that’s just screaming to leap out of his false human body. And lest you get any funny ideas, this is all to be celebrated rather than mocked.

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