News

The Week That Perished

March 12, 2017

PAM AND JULIAN SITTING IN AN EMBASSY, K-I-S-S-I-N-G?
Pamela Anderson starred in Baywatch but is perhaps best known for having fake boobs, Hep-C, and polishing rock star Tommy Lee’s fourteen-foot harpoon in a homemade sex video.

Now comes word that the ditzy tit-monster is having a romantic fling with world-famous interpretive dancer Julian Assange. The paparazzi have caught Pam on numerous occasions making “mysterious late night visits” to the Ecuadorian embassy in London where Assange has been festering ever since some highly dubious rape charges were filed against him in Sweden six years ago.

Last Thursday on her blog—yes, she has one—Anderson wrote of Assange:

I think he’s quite sexy. He has tremendous strength and stamina—though vulnerable. Hard to imagine him that way—as capable as he is. But, he is up against the biggest super powers in the world.

At press time, unconfirmed rumors allege that Assange has dumped Anderson and is now dating Kid Rock.

VERMONT MAYOR SAYS HIS REFUGEE PLAN COST HIM HIS REELECTION
Christopher Louras had been mayor of Rutland, Vt. (population 16,500) for ten years. Last week he lost his bid for a sixth term, and he’s blaming it on his support for a plan that would have resettled 100 Syrian and Iraqi refugees to the bucolic village amid the beautiful Green Mountains every year.

I got smoked in this election,” Louras laments. “I thought it was going to be close. I was not going to be surprised if I lost, but I was surprised by the margin….If refugee resettlement cost me my job, so be it. I’m proud of that. If that’s what cost me my job, bringing those nine people here, bringing those five children here, good. That’s fine.”

OK, fine. Now get out of office.

MALE MAKEUP ARTIST PLANS TO GO ON PLASTIC-SURGERY BLITZ TO BECOME “GENDERLESS ALIEN”
Vinny Ohh is a 22-year-old alleged male from LA who has already shelled out an estimated $50,000 in plastic-surgery procedures to fulfill his quest to look like a “sexless alien being.” Such procedures have already included laser treatment, cheek, brow, and lip fillers, Botox sessions, facial peels, and cryo facial freezing.

Ohh claims he plans to one day remove his genitals and adopt children.

He plans to fork over an additional $160K or so to fulfill his quest to become the alien he always knew he was inside. Procedures yet to be undertaken include genital, nipple, and navel removal, ear pinning, forehead realignment, jaw and cheek implants, eyelid revision, and a nose job—all, of course, to become the natural-born Martian that’s just screaming to leap out of his false human body. And lest you get any funny ideas, this is all to be celebrated rather than mocked.

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