The Week That Perished

June 18, 2017

Multiple Pages
The Week That Perished

The Week’s Neediest, Greediest, and Seediest Headlines

The nation of Canada huddles jealously north of the USA and has all the personality of a frozen dinner. Because its residents are deeply ashamed that America gets all the attention while the world needs constant reminders that Canada even exists, Canadians work their tangled guilt complexes out through nonstop America-bashing and highly public displays of cultural suicide.

In Canada, “Human Rights” mean you have no right to disagree with even one iota of what the government defines as “Human Rights.” If you say that some Muslims like to blow up people—which is true—this is obviously because you hate Muslims and want to blow them up, so the best thing to do is to toss you in a jail cell and let you stew about the fact that “hate speech” is not free speech, and you’re an idiot for ever thinking it was.

Last week, by a rollicking margin of 67-11, Canada’s Senate passed Bill C-16, which amends the nation’s absolutely unnecessary Human Rights Code to include “gender identity” and “gender expression” as things which you are officially no longer permitted to hate. Perhaps most depressingly, the transparently insane expression “the sex they were assigned at birth” is now enshrined in Canada’s legal canon:

People may identify with a concept of gender that is aligned with the sex they were assigned at birth, or they may identify with a gender that is different from their sex assigned at birth….The bill is intended to protect individuals from discrimination within the sphere of federal jurisdiction and from being the targets of hate propaganda, as a consequence of their gender identity or their gender expression. The bill adds “gender identity or expression” to the list of prohibited grounds of discrimination in the Canadian Human Rights Act and the list of characteristics of identifiable groups protected from hate propaganda in the Criminal Code. It also adds that evidence that an offence was motivated by bias, prejudice or hate based on a person’s gender identity or expression constitutes an aggravating circumstance for a court to consider when imposing a criminal sentence.

“What belies reason is the idea that men who think they’re women are anything more than delusional men.”

In other words, if you refuse to submit to some mental case’s demand that you refer to them in their preferred pronoun of “xe,” “xir,” or “zip-zop-boobity-bop,” you are committing a hate crime against them and deserve to be treated like a mangy pit bull in a rusty animal shelter.

“Hatred…is a most extreme emotion that belies reason,” the bill states. We disagree. In several ways, hatred can be the most reasonable response to something. What belies reason is the idea that men who think they’re women are anything more than delusional men.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau—who is rumored to be the illicit fruit of a pairing between his whorish, panties-eschewing mother and an oversized herpes sore from an unidentified member of The Rolling Stones—tweeted his glee over the bill’s passage:

Great news: Bill C-16 has passed the Senate – making it illegal to discriminate based on gender identity or expression. #LoveisLove

“Love is Love.” Can’t argue with much there. Then again, genitals are genitals. And boys are boys. And girls are girls. And the whole world has gone crazy.

As everyone knows, the word “indigenous” is derived from an ancient Cherokee term that means “people who don’t defend their land very well.” Instead of developing rudimentary technology and effective armaments, these are people the world over who would rather sit around and dig yams out of the ground with their hands while living a deeply spiritual existence.

Now with the help of the supremely benevolent United Nations, indigenous peeps from across the planet are planning to sue the rest of the world for unfairly appropriating their enviable ponchos and nonpareil pottery. Aided by the UN’s extremely suspicious-sounding World Intellectual Property Organization, angry Injuns are seeking to make it impossible for successful corporations such as Urban Outfitters to continue marketing their much-beloved “Navajo hipster panties” line.

We would love to cut a deal with the noble indigenous peoples across the Earth—you can have your Navajo panties and aboriginal dot paintings and every last freaking burrito on the planet so long as you give us back our computers and cell phones and cars and indoor plumbing and electricity and air conditioners. Deal?

Intersectionality” is a term referring to the delightful and always comedic tendency of leftist grievance groups to claw out one another’s eyes over the dubious bragging right of whose group has suffered more.

Caitlyn Jenner used to be named Bruce Jenner, World’s Greatest Athlete and star of Hollywood classic Can’t Stop the Music with The Village People.

But one day while his extended family was getting butt injections and having sex with the NBA, Bruce decided he was a woman named Caitlyn. Mostly, he has been lauded for this mentally ill decision. But then the Caitlyn Jenner Motorcade crossed an intersection with a Sassy Black Woman named Amanda Seales, and a car crash ensued.

Seales threw some shade, poured some truth tea, and dropped some street science for the befuddled Jenner, who’d merely said that he believes in America and was rewarded with an emotional flogging because of his skin color.

“If this is a conversation about having conversations, then we have to be listening to each other,” Seales lectured Jenner.

If that was a conversation about having conversations, it’s clear they were having the wrong conversation.

“The government literally said that the black man cannot be in the house or else the woman cannot receive welfare,” Seales told Jenner, either completely lying or entirely unaware that the government never said anything remotely close to that, much less “literally” said that. “That is a big reason why there is a chasm between black women and men in this generation,” Seales chided, as if Jenner had even brought up the subject in the first place.

After treating the gender-confused ex-athlete to a tongue-lashing worthy of the whipping that the white slavers in Roots gave to Kunta Kinte, she was greeted with a resounding chorus of “yeahhhh girls” and “aww yeahs” on black social media forums.

Jenner, for his part, went home with his tail between his legs. That’s right—he has a tail. Sources tell us that he no longer only identifies only as a female, but now as a bold and empowered female dragon.

No matter your religious beliefs, we who work in communications can all agree that God the Father alienated roughly half of his potential market when he made his religion so doggone patriarchal. Thankfully, a mulatto lesbian named Crystal Cheatham has designed an app called “Our Bible” that takes the Judeo-Christian God—who has always been understood as a male—and performs a Lorena Bobbitt on him, rendering him entirely “gender-neutral.”

Oh, and all those Bible verses that unequivocally condemn homosexuality? God was only kidding!

You just know that someone who calls herself Tatyana Fazlalizadeh but still insists on living in the USA is going to be a huge pain in the ass. Well, this black woman with the passive-aggressively unpronounceable and self-segregating name is one of three female artists who’ve plastered a mural on a Tucson building that shows angry-looking “black and brown” women sulking alongside the phrase MAKE WHITENESS THE OTHER. As Ms. Titicaca Falafelwaffle squirms to explain:

People look at us as though we are different, as though we are deviant. We are the ‘other,’ and whiteness is the norm. What would it be like if black and brown people weren’t looked at as this thing that is different from the norm?

Funny, that’s not the message we’re getting from this mural. What we glean is “Racial hatred is wrong, unless it’s directed against white people.”

Either way, we want to make it clear that the City of Tucson will most definitely not be getting a Christmas card from Taki’s Mag this year.

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