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The Week That Perished

June 18, 2017

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The Week That Perished

The Week’s Neediest, Greediest, and Seediest Headlines

SAY “TRANNY” IN CANADA, GO TO JAIL
The nation of Canada huddles jealously north of the USA and has all the personality of a frozen dinner. Because its residents are deeply ashamed that America gets all the attention while the world needs constant reminders that Canada even exists, Canadians work their tangled guilt complexes out through nonstop America-bashing and highly public displays of cultural suicide.

In Canada, “Human Rights” mean you have no right to disagree with even one iota of what the government defines as “Human Rights.” If you say that some Muslims like to blow up people—which is true—this is obviously because you hate Muslims and want to blow them up, so the best thing to do is to toss you in a jail cell and let you stew about the fact that “hate speech” is not free speech, and you’re an idiot for ever thinking it was.

Last week, by a rollicking margin of 67-11, Canada’s Senate passed Bill C-16, which amends the nation’s absolutely unnecessary Human Rights Code to include “gender identity” and “gender expression” as things which you are officially no longer permitted to hate. Perhaps most depressingly, the transparently insane expression “the sex they were assigned at birth” is now enshrined in Canada’s legal canon:

People may identify with a concept of gender that is aligned with the sex they were assigned at birth, or they may identify with a gender that is different from their sex assigned at birth….The bill is intended to protect individuals from discrimination within the sphere of federal jurisdiction and from being the targets of hate propaganda, as a consequence of their gender identity or their gender expression. The bill adds “gender identity or expression” to the list of prohibited grounds of discrimination in the Canadian Human Rights Act and the list of characteristics of identifiable groups protected from hate propaganda in the Criminal Code. It also adds that evidence that an offence was motivated by bias, prejudice or hate based on a person’s gender identity or expression constitutes an aggravating circumstance for a court to consider when imposing a criminal sentence.

“What belies reason is the idea that men who think they’re women are anything more than delusional men.”

In other words, if you refuse to submit to some mental case’s demand that you refer to them in their preferred pronoun of “xe,” “xir,” or “zip-zop-boobity-bop,” you are committing a hate crime against them and deserve to be treated like a mangy pit bull in a rusty animal shelter.

“Hatred…is a most extreme emotion that belies reason,” the bill states. We disagree. In several ways, hatred can be the most reasonable response to something. What belies reason is the idea that men who think they’re women are anything more than delusional men.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau—who is rumored to be the illicit fruit of a pairing between his whorish, panties-eschewing mother and an oversized herpes sore from an unidentified member of The Rolling Stones—tweeted his glee over the bill’s passage:

Great news: Bill C-16 has passed the Senate – making it illegal to discriminate based on gender identity or expression. #LoveisLove

“Love is Love.” Can’t argue with much there. Then again, genitals are genitals. And boys are boys. And girls are girls. And the whole world has gone crazy.

INDIGENOUS YAM-DIGGERS SEEK TO MAKE “CULTURAL APPROPRIATION” ILLEGAL WORLDWIDE
As everyone knows, the word “indigenous” is derived from an ancient Cherokee term that means “people who don’t defend their land very well.” Instead of developing rudimentary technology and effective armaments, these are people the world over who would rather sit around and dig yams out of the ground with their hands while living a deeply spiritual existence.

Now with the help of the supremely benevolent United Nations, indigenous peeps from across the planet are planning to sue the rest of the world for unfairly appropriating their enviable ponchos and nonpareil pottery. Aided by the UN’s extremely suspicious-sounding World Intellectual Property Organization, angry Injuns are seeking to make it impossible for successful corporations such as Urban Outfitters to continue marketing their much-beloved “Navajo hipster panties” line.

We would love to cut a deal with the noble indigenous peoples across the Earth—you can have your Navajo panties and aboriginal dot paintings and every last freaking burrito on the planet so long as you give us back our computers and cell phones and cars and indoor plumbing and electricity and air conditioners. Deal?


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