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The Week That Perished

January 08, 2017

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The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Predatory, Statutory, and Nugatory Headlines

EX-JUNKIE CELEBRITY CHEF EXPLAINS WHY TRUMP WON
Anthony Bourdain is a celebrity chef who likes to brag about how he was a heroin addict in his early 20s who “would have robbed your medicine cabinet had I been invited to your house.” He also fondly reminisces about his days as a crackhead who would frantically comb “the shag carpet for paint chips in the hope that they were fallen crack bits.” He boasts of these disgusting and degenerate habits because we currently inhabit a world where being an addict doesn’t carry the same social stigma as being a racist, sexist, or homophobe—hopefully that’s all changing.

But despite the fact that he has not repented of his hackneyed and outdated coastal liberal beliefs, Bourdain is the rare leftist celeb who isn’t absolutely blind about why Donald Trump won the election. During a recent interview with the quaintly adorable libertarians at Reason magazine, Bourdain blames leftist coastal arrogance for Hillary Clinton’s loss:

The utter contempt with which privileged Eastern liberals such as myself discuss red-state, gun-country, working-class America as ridiculous and morons and rubes is largely responsible for the upswell of rage and contempt and desire to pull down the temple that we’re seeing now.

I’ve spent a lot of time in gun-country, God-fearing America. There are a hell of a lot of nice people out there, who are doing what everyone else in this world is trying to do: the best they can to get by, and take care of themselves and the people they love. When we deny them their basic humanity and legitimacy of their views, however different they may be than ours, when we mock them at every turn, and treat them with contempt, we do no one any good. Nothing nauseates me more than preaching to the converted. The self-congratulatory tone of the privileged left—just repeating and repeating and repeating the outrages of the opposition—this does not win hearts and minds.

Bourdain scores extra points for referring to miniature anteater Bill Maher as “the worst of the smug, self-congratulatory left…He’s a classic example of the smirking, contemptuous, privileged guy who lives in a bubble.”

“Universities should be a safe space for every kind of thoughtcrime.”

There are a whole lot of Bill Mahers out there, safely encased in a whole lot of bubbles—all of which need to be popped.

BARACK O’BOMBER
Despite his clear Muslim sympathies and the fact that he referred to Donald Trump’s proposed temporary ban of Muslim immigration as “dangerous,” outgoing mulatto Commander in Chief Barack “Leroy” Obama allowed over 25,000 bombs to be dropped on Islamic countries last year. The American media will not refer to this as “Islamophobic,” because the American media has been vigorously fellating Obama for the past eight years and isn’t prepared to stop.

“PROGRESSIVE” CALIFORNIA LEADS THE NATION IN WEALTH INEQUALITY
If it wasn’t for California, Donald Trump would have won the popular vote by 1.5 million. The state is so deeply under the Democrats’ thrall, the GOP didn’t even run a candidate for the Senate in California this year.

As a result of its aggressively progressive policies, California now lays claim to both the highest rate of wealth inequality and highest poverty rate in the nation. Its educational system ranks 40th in the USA.

It appears well on its way to becoming what an analysis on Real Clear Politics calls “a kind of feudal society divided by a rich elite and a larger poverty class….a cross between Hawaii and Tijuana, a land for the aging rich and their servants.”

This could come as no surprise, since savage inequality seems to be the fate of all political regimes that espouse utopian pipe dreams about economic equality. It’s almost as if it was intentional.

DID BRITISH SPIES PLOT TO TURN HITLER INTO A WOMAN?
A Welsh professor claims that his review of “unsealed files” from World War II reveals that British intelligence agents considered spiking Adolf Hitler’s meals with estrogen in attempt to simultaneously feminize, humiliate, and turn him less aggressive. But his was a shortsighted plot, because as anyone who’s ever encountered a tranny knows, they are far more violent and hate-filled than Hitler was.

In other tranny news, a convicted killer in California has been approved for state-funded gender-reassignment surgery that is estimated will cost taxpayers $100,000.

In other Hitler news, a woman in Florida (of course) allegedly murdered her three-year-old son and stuffed him in a suitcase because she believed he “was the soul of Hitler.”

COLLEGE STUDENTS SUSPENDED FOR COMPILING “BIGOT LIST”
Three “students of color”—which implies that white is not a color rather than all colors combined—have been suspended from the world-renowned University of Puget Sound in Tacoma, WA after allegedly compiling and distributing a “Bigots of Puget Sound” list that named 22 students and faculty members as “racist, sexist, misogynists, or transphobic.”

“It’s going to affect me in a lot of negative ways,” whined black female student with the aggressively black name of Akilah Blakey. Well, maybe that’s what happens when you’re the kind of asshole who harasses people and sets them up for possible scorn, job loss, and even physical attack but you don’t expect any backlash.

One of the student allegedly on the roll call of bigots says, “The list was a big thing on campus and it made my life harder on a day to day basis.”

Personally, we don’t think these students—however misguided and malicious they appear to be—should have been suspended, just as we wouldn’t call for the suspension of a student who published a “Whiny Entitled Minority Activists of Puget Sound” counter-list. Universities should be a safe space for every kind of thoughtcrime.


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