The Week That Perished

January 15, 2017

Multiple Pages
The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Obsructionist, Reductionist, and Deconstructionist Headlines

Donald Julius Caesar Trump—who becomes President of the United States on Friday—took the American media to the woodshed and fed it to a wood chipper last Wednesday.

Trump was appearing in his first press conference since routing the weak and infirm globalist tool Hillary Clinton in the Electoral College tally by a score of 304-227. On Tuesday, clickbait hellhole BuzzFeed published a 35-page dossier alleging deep ties between Trump and Russia while admitting that all of the allegations therein were “unverified” and “unconfirmed.” The most lurid accusation was that Trump hired Russian prostitutes to urinate on motel beds where the Obamas had previously slept. CNN—an acronym that stands for Clinton News Network—reported on the BuzzFeed hit piece.

As he reigned over the cowering and spiritually corrupted press corps with his commanding and nearly divine presence, Trump called BuzzFeed “a failing pile of garbage.” He then revealed a set of bowling-ball-sized testicles as he steadfastly refused to field a question from CNN reporter Jim Acosta:

Not you…your organization is terrible….I am not going to give you a question….You are fake news.

After silencing Acosta, Trump proceeded to strip down to his underwear, rip a telephone book in half, bend a bar of steel with his teeth, and force a 12-foot alligator to tap out after Trump trapped the beast in a wicked submission hold.

It emerged later in the week that the notorious pranksters at 4Chan were claiming responsibility for completely fabricating the entire “golden showers” story—and possibly fooling the CIA in the process.

“Donald Julius Caesar Trump—who becomes President of the United States on Friday—took the American media to the woodshed and fed it to a wood chipper last Wednesday.”

Even though Native Americans believed that rocks could speak, and despite the fact that they were so technologically backward that they couldn’t even figure out basic concepts such as “the wheel,” everyone knows that the main problem with American history is that there are too many doggoned white people in it.

This is why the US Mint—which, to our knowledge, does not taste or smell like mint and has never sold even a single mint to American consumers—is releasing a 24-karat $100 gold coin depicting Lady Liberty as a black woman.

According to an official statement by the Mint:

The 2017 American Liberty 225th Anniversary Gold Coin is the first in a series of 24-karat gold coins that will feature designs which depict an allegorical Liberty in a variety of contemporary forms—including designs representing Asian-Americans, Hispanic-Americans, and Indian-Americans among others—to reflect the cultural and ethnic diversity of the United States.

This is exciting news, especially since it is unknown whether Asian, Hispanic, and Indian cultures have ever even bothered to address the very concept of liberty.

Dean Hutton is an absurdly obese white female South African who is accused by some people of being Jewish, although at press time we were unable to verify whether she has been circumcised. Dean considers herself an artist, which is why she does stupid shit such as spray-painting her disgusting body in gold and posing nude in public places. Dean identifies as a male, which makes her even more annoying. She claims to “carry a massive weight” as a result of being a white woman rather than a more plausible explanation, such as, oh, maybe eating donuts by the bucket.

Now Dean and her massive weight are garnering headlines as a result of an installation at the National Art Gallery in Cape Town which consists of nothing more than the words “FUCK WHITE PEOPLE” on a canvas and, sometimes as an extra treat, Dean herself in a matching FUCK WHITE PEOPLE suit.

This is what unfuckable white people do when no one will fuck them.

Due to her massive size and what is presumed to be resultant physical disabilities, it is unlikely that any Zulus will mistake Dean for a white farmer and kill her. They might mistake her for a white farm, maybe, but not a white farmer.

A recent Hate Scare at Maryland’s Anne Arundel High School involved a “racist” petition anonymously handed out by a group calling itself the Kool Kids Klan. While people were still reeling in fear of an imminent large-scale Klan attack—which they’ve been doing in vain for, oh, about sixty years now and counting—a Twitter account was launched under the name @KoolkidsKlanKkk, which sent out a tweet stating, “We’re planning to attack tomorrow.”

Now police have issued a juvenile citation to the 14-year-old black girl who’d been posing as a Klansman all along.

A California footwear company is facing the Wrath of Judah after it was discovered that a pair of boots they manufactured left swastika imprints wherever they trod. The boots were named Polar Fox, which was also the name of a German military operation in Finland during World War II. The ADL scolded the footwear company for manufacturing these “deeply offensive” boots, at which point the boots were yanked from sale on Amazon and the bootmakers licked the ADL’s boots. 

On December 31, 2015, Cologne, Germany was the site of an estimated 500 sexual assaults and 22 rapes of German women by roving packs of Islamic migrants. This year in Cologne on New Year’s Eve, “only a handful” of assaults were reported—and no rapes.

What changed? On New Year’s Eve this time, police in Cologne began racially profiling men of North African appearance and herding them away in vans before they had a chance to flex their rapefugee muscles.

Police Chief Juergen Mathies defended the practice by claiming it made statistical sense:

From the experience of last New Year’s Eve and from experience gained in raids in general, a clear impression has emerged here about which persons to check. There were no gray-haired older men or blonde, young women there.

Melinda Byerley is a fat and homely Silicon Valley tech entrepreneur who says there would be more jobs for all those white idiots in Flyover Country if they weren’t such disgusting, subhuman turds.

In a recent Facebook post, she showed visceral hatred for a large swath of Americans based on the premise that they were hateful:

One thing middle america [sic] could do is to realize that no educated person wants to live in a shithole with stupid people. Especially violent, racist, and/or misogynistic ones….So if you want jobs, clean up your act and make your town a place that people like us want to live in. Add fiber internet. Make it a point to elect a progressive city council and commit to not being bigots….I guarantee many of us would like to live a more rural lifestyle, or at least a less urban one, but we won’t sacrifice tolerance or diversity to do so. We especially don’t want to live in states where the majority of residents are still voting for things that are against their own interests just because they don’t want brown people to thrive.

Ms. Byerley, Middle America doesn’t want you. Stay on the West Coast and clog all the toilets you want.

On Friday, the Trump Era begins.

Naturally, the usual gaggle of undesirables, scamps, ne’er-do-wells, mental patients, rich-kid communists, and people with extreme body odor are planning to protest and march and shut down and threaten and burn and scream and disrupt the proceedings.

Chris Cox is a “chain-saw artist from South Carolina” who heads Bikers for Trump. He says that he and an estimated five thousand other Bikers for Trump are “prepared to form a wall of meat” to protect Trump and other normal Americans during the proceedings.

Taki’s Mag writer Jim Goad will be on the National Mall on Friday, rubbing elbows with protestors. Expect a full report in his feature article next week.

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