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The Week That Perished

February 26, 2017

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The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Melodious, Odious, and Incommodious Headlines

LE PEN REFUSES TO WEAR HEADSCARF
In a bold ’n’ brilliant act of political theater that will undoubtedly draw parallels to Rosa Parks, Joan of Arc, Charles Martel, Mahatma Gandhi, and maybe even the bra-burning feminists of the 1960s, French presidential front-runner Marine Le Pen refused to wear a headscarf live and on camera before a meeting with Lebanon’s Grand Mufti Sheikh Abdul-Latif Derian, a dude who wears really funny hats.

Lebanese officials say they had notified Le Pen that she’d be required to wear the headscarf prior to the meeting, which means that the leader of the allegedly “far-right” Front National party may have staged the whole thing for maximum symbolic impact. After turning on her heels and walking away from the meeting in a huff, Le Pen sniffed, “You can pass on my respects to the Grand Mufti, but I will not cover myself up.”

France banned the wearing of Islamic face coverings in public back in 2010. At press time, it’s still legal to be a Muslim, though.

“ANTI-FASCIST WITCHES” CAST SPELL ON TRUMP
Still flailing in increasingly idiotic ways in the wake of Donald Trump’s thunderous electoral victory, the Loser Left suffers no shortage of creativity when it comes to embarrassing itself.

A cabal of “Anti-Fascist Witches” aims to “destroy fascism with poetic witchcraft,” which doesn’t sound unreasonable or downright silly at all. Starting last week and continuing through “every night of a waning crescent moon until he’s driven from office,” they intend to cast a “binding spell” on Donald Trump and anyone who supports him, who is by the force of magical thinking a natural-born fascist as well.

“France banned the wearing of Islamic face coverings in public back in 2010. At press time, it’s still legal to be a Muslim, though.”

According to Michael M. Hughes, who is apparently a big mover-and-shaker in the anti-fascist witch movement:

We’re not wishing harm on anyone, we’re just trying to stop the harm they’re doing. It’s not the equivalent of punching a Nazi in the face, it’s the equivalent of tying him up and taking his bullhorn away.…My feeling was people were feeling so helpless in the face of all this. So many of us are overwhelmed by this guy’s face, this energy―it’s ever present and beating a lot of us down. I see this as a way of people reclaiming their own power…it’s not just that we can stop him, but we can expunge him from ourselves.

We wish the anti-fascist witches all the luck in the world. We also hope to see emergent waves of anti-racist astrologers and tarot card readers who can cure Islamophobia.

RAPIN’ AND RIOTIN’ IN SWEDEN
Our wonderful, handsome, flawless, and unfairly persecuted dear leader Donald Jong-il Trump was recently lambasted and gaslit for suggesting that Sweden has a problem with immigrant crime. Trump was mocked for two solid days for suggesting such an absurdity, when suddenly a neighborhood north of Stockholm erupted in rioting after police attempted to arrest a convicted criminal. There were the by now drearily familiar Molotov cocktails and torching of cars and rocks flung at police and trashing of storefronts.

In the migrant ghetto whose official name is Rinkeby but is known as “Little Mogadishu,” the rioters demanded that police release 17-year-old Maikal Hassan, whose parents were born in Ethiopia. Hassan first appeared on a police report at the tender age of ten and by fifteen had been detained in a youth facility “for eight counts of assault, robbery and burglary.” Police arrested him in what is considered one of Sweden’s fifty-three “no-go zones.”

Sweden’s migrant situation has gotten so bad that even The New York Times has grudgingly acknowledged it’s a problem. It quotes a Swedish police investigator rattling off the names of criminal suspects, “all but one of which were traditionally Middle Eastern”:

What I’ve been handling Monday-Friday this week: Rape, rape, serious rape, assault rape, blackmail, blackmail, assault in court, threats, attack against police, threats against police, drugs, serious drugs, attempted murder, rape again, blackmail again and abuse.

He said rape five times. Those migrants must like rape.

Sweden’s population is around 10 million. Nearly two million of those are refugees and migrants that have been arriving since the 1990s. What could possibly go wrong?


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