The Week That Perished

February 19, 2017

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The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Corrosive, Implosive, and Erosive Headlines

John McCain is a decrepit and senile leprechaun who failed in his quest for the presidency, which is why he seethes with sclerotic resentment for President Donald J. Trump.

Of late he has taken to slamming Trump for his eminently sensible refugee ban and his decision to scuttle the job-crushing Trans-Pacific Partnership. He claims to have hand-delivered the infamous “Pee-Gate” dossier to FBI Director James Comey. He is also openly calling for an investigation into Trump’s ties to Russia and even said that the latter’s alleged “election hack” is a more grave event than the San Bernardino and Orlando massacres.

Last week he packed his arthritic frame into a jet and shuttled on over to Germany, where he gave a speech at the pro-globalist Munich Security Conference. Without mentioning Trump by name, he appeared to attack him several times:

[The founders of the Munich Conference] would be alarmed by an increasing turn away from universal values and toward old ties of blood and race and sectarianism….They would be alarmed by the hardening resentment we see towards immigrants and refugees and minority groups—especially Muslims….They would be alarmed by the growing inability—and even unwillingness—to separate truth from lies….They would be alarmed that more and more of our fellow citizens seem to be flirting with authoritarianism and romanticizing it as our moral equivalent.

He even had the chutzpah to liken Trump’s friendly attitude toward Putin to Hitler and Stalin’s non-aggression pact. It is our professional opinion that Senator McCain needs to be arrested for treason, labeled an illegal immigrant, and deported to a Vietnamese prison.

“Despite all the flak they get for being ‘racist,’ white people are remarkably tolerant toward lactose.”

The more mischievous elements of the Alt-Right enjoy the progressive left’s vast and largely unplumbed oceans of gullibility and their tendency to see “hate” looming under every rock and pebble.

Leftist credulity perhaps reached a new low recently when they took a group of pranksters’ meme utterly seriously and thus made utter fools of themselves in the process. After a group of shirtless, milk-guzzling trolls crashed Shia Labeouf’s idiotic “He Will Not Divide Us” art installation in Queens, leading to completely serious headlines such as “Got Nazis? Milk Is New Symbol Of Racial Purity For White Nationalists” and “Milk is the new, creamy symbol of white racial purity in Donald Trump’s America.” (Note: If a headline contains the phrase “in Donald Trump’s America,” there is a near 100% certainty that it was written by an idiot.)

Pro-milk white nationalists often decry the “vegan agenda,” which is their coded hate speech for the “Jewish agenda.” Part of the elaborate joke is the scientific fact that despite all the flak they get for being “racist,” white people are remarkably tolerant toward lactose.

The State of Wisconsin is less than six percent black, which is clearly unacceptable and problematic in a diversifying and increasingly multicultural world. At the University of Wisconsin-Madison, a “group of mostly white students” is aiming to rectify this situation by demanding that blacks, even convicted felons, receive a 100% free college education. They claim that standardized tests such as the SAT are a hidden form of “white supremacy,” because blacks perform poorly at them. They also claim that blacks in Wisconsin deserve a free education as a form of reparations for slavery.

They ignore two crucial facts in their addled analysis:

1) Asian students score higher than whites on these “white supremacist” tests.

2) There was never slavery in the State of Wisconsin.

Due to the fact that the students at this so-called “university” are sorely uneducated, we beseech our new president to defund this university immediately.