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The Week That Perished

December 04, 2016

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The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Offensive, Apprehensive, and Hypertensive Headlines


WILL A BLACK MUSLIM HEAD THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL COMMITTEE?
As further evidence that it remains painfully clueless about what led to its stunning electoral defeat in November, the Democratic Party is ramping up their minority identity politics and is seriously considering the installment of a black Muslim as the head of the DNC.

Congresssman Keith Ellison represents the white-as-snow state of Minnesota. Just like Malcolm X, he is relatively light-skinned, wears glasses, and sticks his finger up angrily while delivering speeches. In the horse race to win the DNC Chair, Ellison is the choice stud of communists Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren as well as blind Alzheimer’s patient Harry Reid.

While attending the University of Minnesota Law school in 1989, Ellison penned a couple of OpEd columns under the nom de plumeKeith Hakim.” In this pair of carefully sculpted and frankly beautiful essays, Ellison calls the US Constitution the “best evidence of a white racist conspiracy to subjugate other peoples.” He praises the Nation of Islam for its “laudable work.” He urges financial reparations for American blacks as “just compensation for all the labor hours put in by the slaves and just compensation for all the intellectual and artistic property ripped off by all the Elvis Presleys and Pat Boones.” He also suggests the creation of a black separatist ethnostate located in the American South, which has historically harbored the highest percentage of the nation’s angry and perennially oppressed moon crickets.

We here at Taki’s Mag encourage the Democratic Party to aggressively and expeditiously appoint this fine American as their National Chairman.

“We think Donald Trump understands Islam far better than most politicians, journalists, and students do.”

SPEAKING OF BLACK MUSLIMS…
Last Monday morning in the visually dreary state of Ohio, a Somali refugee Muslim rammed a car into a crowd of students before smashing into a brick wall. He then leaped out of his car, issued a “war cry,” and began slashing passersby with a hunting knife before a gun-toting campus police officer sent him to paradise.

Abdul Razak Ali Artan was born in Somalia but fled with his family like a little cowardly bitch to Pakistan in 2007. They spent seven years at a refugee camp before the nice American infidels and their tax dollars arranged to have them all relocated to our hateful and Islamophobic nation. Friends described him as someone who “loved America,” was “very normal,” and “did not have any extremist tendencies.”

On his first day at Ohio State University this past August, Artan was featured in a school newspaper as part of their “Humans of Ohio State” series. In the glowing feature, Artan gripes that his new school didn’t feature private prayer spaces like his old school did, even though if he’d spent a mere five minutes doing rudimentary research rather than praying to Allah, he’d have realized this wasn’t true and that OSU did generously and suicidally offer such private prayer spaces to its whiny Muslim refugee students who were receiving a free education at the expense of the people Artan would eventually seek to destroy.

On Facebook in the days leading up to his largely bungled attack (12 injuries, most of them minor and none of them fatal), Artan wrote that he’d grown “sick and tired” of seeing his Islamic homies “killed and tortured”:

If you want us Muslims to stop carrying lone wolf attacks, then make peace….By Allah, we will not let you sleep unless you give peace to the Muslims.

Before he was permanently put to sleep by one bullet, Artan had also posted that Donald Trump was not “educated on Islam.” But on Twitter, the President-Elect wrote that Artan “should not have been in our country.” We think Donald Trump understands Islam far better than most politicians, journalists, and students do.

THIS WEEK’S PRO-TRUMP HATE CRIME HOAX
Because leftism is based on the false premise of innate human equality, it must sustain itself with an uninterrupted string of false narratives.

The large masses of anti-American Americans currently inhabiting America seem to believe that Donald Trump is more of a threat to the nation’s prosperity than they are, and by gum, if he isn’t going to inspire a wave of real violent hate crimes against anyone who isn’t a straight white Christian Republican male, they’ll have to make them up.

The latest culprit in this exciting and hilarious new wave of faux pro-Trump hate crimes comes to us from scenic South New Jersey in the form of a 58-year-old pepper-haired black man named William Tucker. He has been arrested and charged with four counts of criminal mischief for allegedly going on a spray-painting spree the morning after Trump’s election. One of the vehicles Tucker allegedly tagged was a black woman’s white SUV, upon which was sprayed TRUMP RULES and BLACK BITCH in large black lettering.

We wish the best for William Tucker and look forward to documenting what will undoubtedly be four years of increasingly creative fake hate crimes perpetrated by people with an unquenchable thirst to be hated.


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