The Week That Perished

December 17, 2017

Multiple Pages
The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Deceptive, Perceptive, and Unreceptive Headlines

Seeing as how generous estimates claim that only six in every 1,000 Americans is transgender—meaning they mistakenly believe they’re a different sex than what a simple chromosome test would prove—what are the odds that an entire family of four consists of trannies, trannies, and nothing but trannies?

Those odds would be about one in 771 million.

Well, take your pink woolen pussy hats off in honor of the bold and noble Harrott family of Arizona, who defy the odds because they’re all magically transitioning away from the “gender they were assigned at birth,” which is an insane way of saying “their gender.”

Family patriarch Daniel Harrott “lived most of his life as a woman” but one day just sat up, scratched her snatch, and decided that, no, she’s actually a man. Her “fiancée” is a tall, big-shouldered blond man who calls himself “Shirley.” Their two children are Mason, 11—who was born a girl, remains a girl, but calls herself a boy—and 13-year-old “Joshua,” who was born a boy, retains a boy’s name, but sits in a wheelchair insisting he’s a chick.

According to tall, blond Shirley and his rippling biceps, “the whole family is in transition.” Daniel tells a reporter that he just wants his children to be themselves.

That’s not what it sounds like from here. Quite the opposite, in fact.

In other news of gender-denialist insanity, a bearded lady named Kaci Sullivan—who identifies as a “transgender man”—recently popped out a new baby. The failing Newsweek—which has dived down a rabbit hole of Cultural Marxist apologetics of late—says the fact that a biological bearded woman all hopped-up on hormone treatments is proof that “pregnancy has no gender,” but again, if they were looking for proof, a basic chromosome test would prove that 30-year-old Kaci Sullivan, despite all her claims and her very nice beard, is a woman. “I don’t subscribe to make-believe gender roles,” claims Sullivan, who is only garnering headlines because she makes believe that she’s a man.

“Is life truly worth living if you can’t even call women fat anymore?”

While Daniel, Shirley, and Kaci are deserving of nothing beyond contempt, the three children they’ll be raising deserve at least a smidgen of pity.

A hapless young English man named Michael Blanchard is learning the hard way that you can’t make sport of women for having soft bodies.

Blanchard, 24, was recently using the dating app Bumble when he made the fatal mistake of telling a girl that he’d only consider dating her if she went to the gym and dropped some weight. While interacting with 23-year-old dance teacher Samantha Drain—who seems to wear clothing designed to hide blubber—Blanchard told her he’d take a rain check until she addressed her adiposity. He sent her a picture of a woman with a more pleasing figure and wrote:

So you see the girl in the pic? That’s what you could look like if you put a tiny bit of effort out in the gym, thank me later. So when you look even the tiniest bit like her I’ll consider meeting up with you but at the moment it’s no way hosay, [sic] anyways sorry…

Aghast, flabbergasted, and maybe even a bit flabby and gassy, Drain replied:

I’m sorry but how fucking dare you

Blanchard’s typo-ridden retort:

Well SAM! I’ll tell you how….So I’m not gunna lie I’m a 10/10 and your clearly a 5 at a push 6 so with my advice I could push you to a 7 which would make me want to smash your back doors in. But at the moment it’s a no, sorry babe….When your looking tip top I’ll let you know, you look like the desperate waiting type so I’ll hold you to that…

Apparently Miss Fatty Pants went screaming to the higher-ups at the dating app Bumble, who banned Blanchard for life but not before publicly remonstrating him:

Harassment and misogyny don’t belong on Bumble — and therefore neither do you….Here’s a tip…it’s the 21st century. Small minded, sexist, shallow people aren’t welcome in a progressive society anymore, and in the end, only you will lose out….We’re going to continue to build a world that makes small-minded, misogynist boys like you outdated.

What’s even worse—and vaguely Stalinist—is that Blanchard’s own mother took the side of Miss Chubby and the prudes at Bumble against the fruit of her own loins. Blanchard’s own mother told the Daily Mail:

Michael might say he is God’s gift to women but he has only had two girlfriends….He is not a bad lad, but he is a bit crazy.

Way to stick up for your son, ma. Don’t cry foul if he ends up with a severe lifelong mistrust of women, especially fat ones.

Pope Francis, who in these very pages has been accused of being more Marxist than Catholic, recently paused briefly from recommending that everyone in the world except those in the Vatican redistribute their wealth, is warning believers never to get into a conversation with Satan.

During an interview with an Italian news channel, the Pontiff—who has at different times referred to Satan as “the Seducer” and “the Great Dragon”—counseled:

He is evil, he’s not like fog. He’s not a diffuse thing, he is a person. One must not talk to Satan, if you start talking to Satan you are lost, he is more intelligent than us….He always pretends to be well-mannered with us. He is well-mannered with us priests, with us bishops. He comes in and it all ends badly if you do not notice this in time.

Does this mean that Satan is so intelligent, he doesn’t believe in Marxism? We would personally love to see videotaped evidence of Satan being well-mannered with priests and bishops. As the kids say, pics or GTFO.

It’s not every day that American schoolchildren are asked to draw cartoons depicting Hitler’s rise to power, and it may be the first time in American history that these students were asked to do so using instructional materials that depicted a Sieg-Heiling cartoon pony with a Nazi armband and a Hitler mustache.

But that’s exactly what was asked of eighth-graders at Woodland Middle School near Chicago. In a country where the media mentions Adolf Hitler every five minutes, parents were shocked, appalled, and left “fuming” that their children were asked to depict Adolf Hitler.

Hitler, if you’ve never heard of him, was a real meanie.

A thirty-two-year-old white woman in the Bronx recently made the mistake of being a thirty-two-year-old white woman in the Bronx. As she entered a deli seeking a sandwich after working the night shift, a pair of phenotypically Hispanic male teens reportedly called her a “stupid white cunt” and said, “You think you can live her in the Bronx, you Trump supporter? You white bitch!” They allegedly threw groceries at her before stealing her phone and fleeing the bodega.

The unnamed victim’s roommate insists that the woman was in no way a Trump supporter, but that hasn’t exactly helped people in the past.

Two days after Trump was elected, a white man was pulled from his car in Chicago by a black mob, who beat him under the pretense that he must have voted for Trump because he was white.

And earlier this year—as was documented here in a feature article—a mentally handicapped white male teen was kidnapped and tortured live on camera by two black males and two black females. Without any evidence beyond his skin color, they accused him of being a Trump supporter while shouting things such as “Fuck Donald Trump, nigga! Fuck white people, boy!”

For her role in this grisly crime, 19-year-old Brittany Covington recently pleaded guilty and was handed a draconian sentence of…four years’ probation.

Twenty-five-year-old Hasna Begum has brown skin and lives in England with a decidedly non-English-sounding name. After dating the similarly swarthy Pietro Sanna for about a year, the couple broke up. Five months later, after discovering that Sanna had arranged a rendezvous with a woman on the online dating app Tinder long after their breakup, Begum went to Sanna’s house and stabbed him 36 times, killing him. She has now been sentenced to life in prison.

In West Virginia, a twenty-one-year-old man with severely unkempt hair named Creio Chance Bishop has been arrested and charged with arson for allegedly attempting to torch the strip club where his girlfriend, McKayla Biedenbach, routinely flashed her naughty bits for cash.

Here’s a life lesson for all you crazy young lovebirds: If you have to kill your significant other, that’s a really strong sign that they might not be a good match.

Shortly after TIME magazine named the rape-accusing “Silence Breakers” as the “Person of the Year,” Merriam-Webster has named “feminism” as the Word of the Year.

This is great news for women. For men? Not so much. We counsel all of our male readers to invest in a reliable steel codpiece, because it’s only a matter of time before #MeToo implicates #YouToo.

Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.

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