News

The Week That Perished

December 17, 2017

MIDDLE SCHOOL HITLER CARTOON PROJECT SPARKS OUTCRY
It’s not every day that American schoolchildren are asked to draw cartoons depicting Hitler’s rise to power, and it may be the first time in American history that these students were asked to do so using instructional materials that depicted a Sieg-Heiling cartoon pony with a Nazi armband and a Hitler mustache.

But that’s exactly what was asked of eighth-graders at Woodland Middle School near Chicago. In a country where the media mentions Adolf Hitler every five minutes, parents were shocked, appalled, and left “fuming” that their children were asked to depict Adolf Hitler.

Hitler, if you’ve never heard of him, was a real meanie.

BRONX: WHITE WOMAN ATTACKED ON SUSPICION OF BEING A TRUMP SUPPORTER
A thirty-two-year-old white woman in the Bronx recently made the mistake of being a thirty-two-year-old white woman in the Bronx. As she entered a deli seeking a sandwich after working the night shift, a pair of phenotypically Hispanic male teens reportedly called her a “stupid white cunt” and said, “You think you can live her in the Bronx, you Trump supporter? You white bitch!” They allegedly threw groceries at her before stealing her phone and fleeing the bodega.

The unnamed victim’s roommate insists that the woman was in no way a Trump supporter, but that hasn’t exactly helped people in the past.

Two days after Trump was elected, a white man was pulled from his car in Chicago by a black mob, who beat him under the pretense that he must have voted for Trump because he was white.

And earlier this year—as was documented here in a feature article—a mentally handicapped white male teen was kidnapped and tortured live on camera by two black males and two black females. Without any evidence beyond his skin color, they accused him of being a Trump supporter while shouting things such as “Fuck Donald Trump, nigga! Fuck white people, boy!”

For her role in this grisly crime, 19-year-old Brittany Covington recently pleaded guilty and was handed a draconian sentence of…four years’ probation.

WHEN LOVERS OVERREACT
Twenty-five-year-old Hasna Begum has brown skin and lives in England with a decidedly non-English-sounding name. After dating the similarly swarthy Pietro Sanna for about a year, the couple broke up. Five months later, after discovering that Sanna had arranged a rendezvous with a woman on the online dating app Tinder long after their breakup, Begum went to Sanna’s house and stabbed him 36 times, killing him. She has now been sentenced to life in prison.

In West Virginia, a twenty-one-year-old man with severely unkempt hair named Creio Chance Bishop has been arrested and charged with arson for allegedly attempting to torch the strip club where his girlfriend, McKayla Biedenbach, routinely flashed her naughty bits for cash.

Here’s a life lesson for all you crazy young lovebirds: If you have to kill your significant other, that’s a really strong sign that they might not be a good match.

FEMINISM: WORD OF THE YEAR
Shortly after TIME magazine named the rape-accusing “Silence Breakers” as the “Person of the Year,” Merriam-Webster has named “feminism” as the Word of the Year.

This is great news for women. For men? Not so much. We counsel all of our male readers to invest in a reliable steel codpiece, because it’s only a matter of time before #MeToo implicates #YouToo.


Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.

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