The Week’s Most Prophetic, Synthetic, and Prosthetic Headlines
RAPPER’s ANKLE MONITOR GOES OFF DURING WHITE HOUSE “MINORITY YOUTH EMPOWERMENT” PROGRAM
With his disgusting sourpuss scowl and floppy man-boobs, rapper Rick Ross may be the most physically repulsive entertainer on Earth. Born William Leonard Roberts II, he assumed the nom de mic Rick Ross in honor of pioneering crack cocaine kingpin “Freeway” Rick Ross, who later sued the rapper for copyright infringement in 2010. It turns out that not only wasn’t the rapper Rick Ross a drug kingpin, he’d actually worked for 18 months as a Florida correctional officer.
But since few things can tarnish one’s black street cred worse than not actually being a criminal, the rapper Rick Ross has tried to atone for his lawful past through a series of drug and assault charges starting in 2008 and culminating in a 2015 arrest for allegedly pistol-whipping a man he’d prevented from leaving his house.
As part of his pretrial release terms for the latter incident, Ross is required to wear a court-ordered ankle monitor to track his whereabouts. Last Friday while acting as an “ambassador” to the White House during a shindig to promote Barack Obama’s “My Brother’s Keeper” program”a racially biased scheme that seeks to uplift black and Latino youths”Ross suffered the shame and embarrassment of his ankle monitor starting to loudly beep shortly after Obama had concluded his speech.
Along with Ross, Obama had invited quite the spicy array of other black performers to the event. Such luminaries included rapper Busta Rhymes, a self-proclaimed member of the Five-Percent Nation, which teaches that black people are God incarnate; the rapper Common, who has repeatedly expressed his disgust for interracial relationships; and singer Alicia Keys, who sports an AK-47 pendant “to symbolize strength, power, and killing ‘em dead” and claims that “gangsta rap” was created by the government to encourage black people to kill one another.
Thanks for helping bring our country together, Mr. President.
GAY BLACK PASTOR FABRICATES “FAG” CAKE
Jordan Brown is a gay black pastor from Texas, and Lord knows the world needs more of those.
Because the most pressing modern civil-rights issue”next to intersex public toilets, of course”is the God-given, natural-born right of homosexuals to order homosexual-themed cakes, the world reacted with shock and outrage when Pastor Brown posted a YouTube video weepily recalling how he’d requested a cake from an Austin Whole Foods store with the phrase “LOVE WINS” written in icing, only to discover later to his dismay that the word “FAG” had also been written in icing. He also repeatedly demonstrated that the cake had not been opened, since the UPC label was still intact at the bottom of the box.
However, surveillance footage from the store in question shows that when Brown purchased the cake, the UPC label was on top of the box, not the bottom. (As a gay man, Mr. Brown should at least know the difference between tops and bottoms.) Whole Foods now says it will sue Brown and his lawyer for $100,000 for attempting to damage their company’s brand.
GENETICIST CLAIMS THAT ASHKENAZI JEWS ORIGINATED IN TURKEY
In the never-ending debate about whether most modern Jews have any genetic links to the ancient Hebrews, an Israeli geneticist claims that 90 percent of Ashkenazi Jews originated from Greeks, Iranians, and others who colonized northern Anatolia (now in northern Turkey) around 2,000 years ago and later converted to Judaism. Writing in Genome Biology, Dr. Eran Elhaik says:
We conclude that AJs [Ashkenazic Jews] probably originated during the first millennium when Iranian Jews judaised Greco-Roman, Turk, Iranian, southern Caucasus, and Slavic populations inhabiting the lands of Ashkenaz in Turkey….Our findings imply that Yiddish was created by Slavo-Iranian Jewish merchants plying the Silk Roads between Germany, North Africa and China.
Elhaik speculates that three still-extant Turkish villages”Iskenaz, Eskenaz, and Ashanaz“were part of the original Ashkenazi settlements. And his findings appear to breathe new life into the Khazar theory of Ashkenazi ancestry.
BLACK LIVES MATTER MEMBER PLEADS GUILTY TO FABRICATING DEATH THREATS AGAINST BLACK PEOPLE
It is indisputable that black Americans suffer in many ways, not the least of which is a severe drought of actual persecution and violence directed against them. Whelped and weaned and raised on a doctrine that they are constantly under siege by an unrelentingly vicious white America, countless black Americans are now forced to fabricate hate crimes against themselves because so few white people seem willing to live up to the stereotypes.
Kayla McKelvey, 25, is a “former student leader” at Kean University in the wonderfully scenic town of Elizabeth, NJ. She was reportedly active in several Black Lives Matter protests, which involve black people jumping up and down, sticking their fingers in their ears, and chanting “LALALALALALA” when you try explaining to them who’s actually killing the lion’s share of black people these days.
Last November at a school computer, McKelvey set up a fake Twitter account and belched out the following Tweets over the course of fifteen minutes:
i will kill every black male and female at kean university
i will shoot every black woman and male i see at kean university
i will shoot any black person i see at kean university
@KeanUniversity theres [sic] a bomb on your campus
kean university twitter against blacks is for everyone who hates blacks [sic] people
Before it became evident that McKelvey had authored these phony hate-tweets, Black Lives Matter activists demanded that the college president resign for allowing such a toxic climate of racism to exist on campus. But after being tagged as the culprit behind the fake threats, McKelvey said she did it for the higher cause of proving that racism existed at Kean University, even if she had to make it up. She was sentenced to 90 days in jail and is being forced to pony up $82,000 to cover police costs and heightened security at the school.