The Week That Perished

September 03, 2017

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The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Cynical, Inimical, and Atypical Headlines

A long, long time ago in a country much unlike the USA in 2017, Keith Olbermann was a sportscaster. Then at some point, televised sports became a bully pulpit for Cultural Marxism. These days Olbermann hosts an online show for GQ called The Resistance, which avoids sports and mostly consists of Olbermann smearing Donald Trump, everyone around him, everyone who supports him, and everyone who even dared to think a halfway positive thought about him as filthy Nazi scumbag fucks.

Olbermann recently penned a collection of impotent vituperations called Trump is F*cking Crazy: (This is Not a Joke), with a cover depicting a whimpering and emotionally beaten Olbermann curled up on the floor draped in an American flag and looking absolutely fucking insane. With every appearance he makes these days, Olbermann’s wounded face conveys the deep-rooted sense of moral superiority that makes it impossible for him to be happy in a world teeming with such toxic injustice.

Olbermann keeps ratcheting up the deeply wounded righteous hysteria to the point where at any given moment, his ovaries might explode.

After Trump banned trannies in the military and pardoned Joe Arpaio, Olbermann tweeted:

Now you’ve banned loyal soldiers, pardoned that piece of shit Arpaio, and STILL not declared an emergency. You are filth, @realDonaldTrump

When Arpaio publicly thanked Trump, Olbermann’s measured response was:

You and @Potus can go fuck yourselves, you racist Nazi fucks.

When Sebastian Gorka resigned from the Trump Administration, Pious Keith responded thusly:

Gorka resigns. So the Day isn’t a total loss. Now leave the country, @SebGorka, you Nazi fuck.

And when Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos expressed concern for schools affected by the Texas floods, he told her:

The hurricane is going to do less damage to schools than you are, Motherfucker

“For all the talk one hears of ‘white privilege,’ it is increasingly evident that there is no greater privilege than blanket immunity from criticism.”

Although he works for Gentlemen’s Quarterly, his behavior is rather ungentlemanly. But Olbermann is only one star in a massive galaxy of flailing leftists gripped by a collective case of Tourette’s. What you hear are not the sounds of resistance—it is the world’s first livestreamed death rattle.

Christopher Cantwell was scheduled to be one of the featured speakers at the ill-fated “Unite the Right” rally that ended in bloodshed at Charlottesville, VA on August 12. He became widely mocked as the “Crying Nazi” after livestreaming himself on the verge of tears in the canceled event’s aftermath.

Although no charges have been filed against the black man who used a homemade flamethrower against rally attendees, Cantwell has been booked and charged with two counts of illegal use of tear gas and one count of malicious bodily injury—all felonies. Each charge carries a possible sentence of five years.

Now comes word that a judge has denied bail for Cantwell based on the unprovable and unfalsifiable premise that Cantwell’s “hate speech” makes him a risk to the community should he be released.

It should be obvious to anyone with even a thin pubic hair’s worth of discretion that should Cantwell be released, he’d be in far more danger than anyone around him. And it’s a troubling portent that alleged thoughtcrimes now seem to be the sole determinant of who goes to jail and who continues walking among us.

There’s a pervasive myth that all serial killers are white, similar to the myth that only poor Southern hillbillies are inbred and the myth that whites commit incest and molest children at higher rates than other groups. Since all these myths are statistically inaccurate, one feels tempted to conclude that the myth-peddlers simply aren’t very fond of white people.

Last week Kansas City police arrested 22-year-old Frederick Demond Scott—who is black, in case the “Demond” didn’t tip you off—and charged him with the murder of two white men aged 54 and 57. He is also a suspect in three other shootings that began in South Kansas City this May. All victims were older white men, and all were shot from behind. Four of them were walking along the same dog trail when they were murdered.

Court records say that in 2014, Scott threatened to shoot up a school and “kill all white people.”

Beyond Kansas City, this story has remained as untouched as fresh virgin snow by the mainstream media. They’re too busy trying to depict the vehicular slaying of a white woman by a white man in Charlottesville as a racially motivated hate crime.

In order to increase its market reach across the lush and prosperous plains and jungles of West and Central Africa, the British Broadcasting Company has launched a website in Pidgin English.

Pidgin English is said to be spoken by 75 million people in Nigeria alone. According to the unpronounceable Bilkisu Labaran, editorial director of the new site, Pidgin English is “an informal lingua franca. It is a language that really unites people and cuts across all sorts of barriers—ethnic, regional and socio-economic.”

The new site’s headlines feature Pidgin droppings such as “Indian woman divorce husband because dem get no toilet,” “Why dem dey call Hurricane human being name,” “How Tanzania dey kill mosquito,” and our personal favorite, “Why China dey chop African Donkey.”

Dem gon be real smart now.

As all men of virtue know, Africa invented everything and only plunged into seemingly prehistoric conditions after it was all stolen from them while they were sleeping one fateful night. This vast continent is the cradle not only of all technological progress; it hosts a gorgeous mosaic of rich cultural traditions that include killer phone calls, penis panics, ritual dismemberment of child witches, and car thieves who magically transform into goats.

Now comes news from the thriving nation of Mozambique that bald men are being targeted for murder because a local superstition claims “that the head of a bald man contains gold.”

From South Africa—where the murder rate shot up astronomically after apartheid ended—comes a charming story involving a cannibal potluck dinner where police found a boiling pot containing eight human ears. An estimated third of the residents in the tiny village of Esigodlweni admit to have partaken in eating human flesh, which they claim makes them “bulletproof.”

South Africa is also where children are raped as a cure for AIDS.

The world rejoices at the fact that with the evil colonizers having been routed, Africans can finally live up to their full potential.

Japanese Deputy Prime Minister Tara Aso has been forced to grovel, beg, and apologize for suggesting that Adolf Hitler may have had the “right motives,” proving that the power of the Simon Wiesenthal Center to shame people into submission extends halfway around the world. Rabbi Abraham Cooper called Aso’s comment “downright dangerous.” Were his comments as dangerous as living in the Gaza Strip?

A husband-and-wife team of food vendors at the Minnesota State Fair have likewise been forced into a terrified public apology for selling a smoked-salmon sandwich called “The Swindler,” which is highly offensive because it resurrects an ancient and entirely discredited trope claiming that Jews have ever swindled anyone in the history of the world.

For all the talk one hears of “white privilege,” it is increasingly evident that there is no greater privilege than blanket immunity from criticism.

For years the scientific community has made bold strides in seeking medical remedies for the sin of bigotry.

Now a group of researchers in Germany and Oklahoma has released a paper that claims xenophobia can be reduced by injecting the evil xenophobes with oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone.” Test subjects were exclusively Caucasian, because everyone knows they are the only racial group capable of bigotry. But after “oxytocin-enforced norm compliance,” the xenophobes showed higher rates of altruism toward refugees and even increased their monetary donations toward pro-refugee charities by a formidable 74%.

If you can’t shame them into submission, it’s evident that the only way to break their will is to shoot them up with chemicals designed to make them feel cuddly toward those who’ve been selected to replace them.

Every Monday afternoon, Jim Goad reads and discusses the previous day’s “Week That Perished” column on his podcast. Tomorrow’s guest will be Peter Brimelow of discussing immigration.

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