Valerie Plame

The Week’s Most Aggressive, Obsessive, and Oppressive Headlines

VALERIE PLAME NAMES THE WRONG NAME
As everyone knows, only some loser goofball anti-Semite would suggest something so preposterous as the idea that wealthy Jewish Americans influence America’s military policy in the Middle East. Experts agree unanimously that we fight radical Islam and protect our closest ally Israel because the Judeo-Christian God—who, if you want to split hairs, seems to have trouble picking sides on whether he’s actually Jewish or a Christian—arms our young men and sends them into a haze of smoke bombs and vaporized blood droplets in the Holy Land because he has anointed us to perform a sacred mission to spread freedom and democracy. And if those subhuman inbred desert mongrels don’t welcome us with open arms, it is our grave responsibility to bomb them into accepting freedom.

Therefore, we consider it our sacred duty as moral human beings to denounce, disavow, condemn, banish, and DAMN in the harshest possible terms a hateful and unforgivable article published last week on unz.com by Philip Giraldi called “America’s Jews Are Driving America’s Wars.”

We reluctantly present passages of it, but be warned this is rabid hate speech that is so unhinged, Adolf Hitler would have masturbated to completion before finishing all 1,500 words:

…any organization that aspires to be heard on foreign policy knows that to touch the live wire of Israel and American Jews guarantees a quick trip to obscurity. Jewish groups and deep pocket individual donors not only control the politicians, they own and run the media and entertainment industries, meaning that no one will hear about or from the offending party ever again.…But what makes the war engine run is provided by American Jews who have taken upon themselves the onerous task of starting a war with a country that does not conceivably threaten the United States.

Rubbing salt in the wounds of Jews worldwide, Giraldi suggests that any American Jew who is “strongly attached to Israel” should recuse himself from setting policy in the Middle East due to a conflict of interest.

On Twitter, former CIA agent Valerie Plame linked to Giraldi’s article. When shofars across the Twittersphere began honking in horror, she was at first defensive:

First of all, calm down. Re-tweets don’t imply endorsement. Yes, [the piece is] very provocative, but thoughtful. Many neocon hawks ARE Jewish. Just FYI, I am of Jewish decent (sic).

After legions of antagonists—many of them possibly Jewish and decent, too—began tightening the screws on Plame, she bent over, grabbed her ankles, and apologized desperately. She said she messed up. She called Giraldi’s article “problematic.” But she did not offer alternative suggestions for exactly which other group might be disproportionately guiding America’s military policy in the Middle East. Albanians? Malaysians? What about the hairy Ainu? Who is it? We gotta know!

TRUMP V. NFL PLAYERS
NFL ratings have been sliding since last year after quarterback Colin Kaepernick—who sorta looks like the bastard child of Frank Zappa and Angela Davis—decided to ignore statistics and kneel during the National Anthem. Paying absolutely zero heed to crime rates, Kaepernick said he was protesting all of these racist cops who are allegedly roaming the streets shooting down young black males just for the freakin’ fun of it.

At a rally in Alabama on Friday, President Donald Trump earned roars of approval when he suggested that NFL owners should start firing players who disrespect the National Anthem. He also counseled fans to leave the stadium the moment they observe such shenanigans:

The only thing you could do better is, if you see it—even if it’s one player—leave the stadium. I guarantee things will stop. Things will stop. Pick up and leave. Just pick up and leave. You know, some owner is going to do that…[and] they will be the most popular person in this country. Because that’s a total disrespect of our heritage, that’s a total disrespect of everything that we stand for.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell condemned Trump on Saturday, calling his comments “divisive” and indicative of “an unfortunate lack of respect for the NFL.”

Silly us—we thought disgustingly pious and athletically irrelevant attempts to inject black-power politics into the NFL was what was disrespectful.

ARTICLE: “STRAIGHT BLACK MEN ARE THE WHITE PEOPLE OF BLACK PEOPLE”
This week’s downright goofiest example of intersectionality—in which leftist grievance groups push and paw over one another like puppies in a box straining for a shot at their mother’s teat—comes from the “Very Smart Brothas” section of The Root in an article titled “Straight Black Men Are the White People of Black People.”

Writer Damon Young starts by bemoaning the fact that black Americans—straight, gay, male, and female—“are near or at the bottom in every relevant metric determining quality of life.”

How about IQ? What rung of the ladder do they occupy on that metric?

But he takes straight black men to task for a sinister and pervasive privilege they wield over black chicks and black homos in the sense that they “get the biggest seat at the table and the biggest piece of chicken at the table despite making the smallest contribution to the meal.”

Young refers to this unfortunate privilege hierarchy amid the black community—as “fucking scary.”

We’ll let them fight it out among themselves, but “scary” isn’t the word we’d use. We were thinking more along the lines of “funny.”