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The Week That Perished

September 17, 2017

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The Week That Perished

The Week’s Soggiest, Foggiest, and Groggiest Headlines

STEVIE WONDER: CLIMATE DENIERS ARE BLIND
Last Tuesday—undoubtedly guided onstage by his handlers—Grammy-winning sight-deprived musician Stevie Wonder joined other superstars in a telethon designed to raise money for the victims of Hurricanes Irma and Harvey. Since being an entertainer is tantamount to being a climate scientist, Wonder and others blamed climate change for the hurricanes, which is technically correct when you consider that the climate changed temporarily to produce the disasters.

Wonder’s opening line was:

Anyone who believes that there’s no such thing as global warming must be blind or unintelligent.

Who knew that Stevie Wonder was a climate denier?

INVASION OF THE CHILD-DIDDLING MAYORS
Last Wednesday Seattle Mayor Ed Murray—who puts other men’s penises in his mouth and is curiously proud rather than ashamed of it—handed in his resignation after a fifth person stepped forward and accused Murray of molesting him while he was underage. What put the nail in Murray’s coffin—or in his tuchis, your choice—was the fact that it was revealed that his own cousin had accused him of diddling him back in the 1970s.

According to Joseph Dyer—now 54—he was only 13 when Murray, then 21, forced him into a homosexual relationship while they shared a room in Dyer’s mother’s house.

Upon hearing news of Murray’s resignation, Murray’s former foster son Jeff Simpson—who previously accused Murray of taking liberty with his genitals in a Portland group home in the late 1970s—credited divine intervention with bringing about Murray’s downfall.

“Sometimes one gets the crazy feeling that the major media are out of touch with the American public.”

Murray is one of a staggering 11 American mayors accused of sexual crimes against children since last year. One was a Republican; the rest were Democrats.

Although not a mayor himself, NYC Mayor Ed De Blasio’s staffer Jacob Schwartz was arrested in May after a police search of his laptop revealed “3,000 images and 89 videos…depicting sexual acts with children as young as 6 months old.”

SUPERMAN DEFENDS ILLEGAL ALIENS AGAINST “WHITE SUPREMACIST”
Back in 2011, Superman—once a proud defender of “truth, justice, and the American way”—renounced his American citizenship and declared himself a citizen of the planet.

In the newest issue of Action Comics, the Man of Steel defends illegal aliens against a “white supremacist”—which is coded speech for “white person”—who attempts to shoot a huddled mass of undocumented citizens yearning to breathe free and who don’t really wish to undermine the dominant culture and bleed its public coffers dry. Superman thwarts the angry, gun-toting, bandanna-wearing white man and tells him:

The only person responsible for the blackness smothering your soul—is you!

Surely that’s a misprint, since everyone knows that it is only whiteness that smothers souls.

CONGRESS CONDEMNS ONLY ONE SIDE IN CHARLOTTESVILLE
Our completely deballed, defanged, sodomized, and cuckolded Congress recently passed a resolution that implausibly claims last month’s violence in Charlottesville was strictly the fault of “White nationalists, White supremacists, Klansmen, and neo-Nazis” rather than the angry local blacks and bused-in white rabble-rousers who appear to have started and fomented most of the violence. It also claims that Heather Heyer—who died after a driver whose car had been attacked with rocks and baseball bats ran into another car and who may not have been touched by either car—was the victim of “racist violence and [a] domestic terror attack,” despite the fact that both Heyer and the suspect were white and the incident did not appear to be premeditated in the least.

Sadly, Donald Trump—who garnered ear-splitting shrieks of scorn for rightly stating that violence had come from both sides—signed the resolution, which failed to condemn the perennially violent useful idiots in Antifa and Black Lives Matter, both of whom showed up in Charlottesville ready to rumble.

Despite the fact that “white supremacist” is about the least cool thing one can be in the modern mainstream cultural climate, a new poll found that a robust 31 percent of Americans agreed that “America must protect and preserve its White European heritage,” while 39 percent agreed that “white people are currently under attack in this country.” And a hearty 57 percent of Americans say that Confederate statues should remain unmolested—which was the intended purpose of the foiled August 12 Charlottesville rally in the first place.

Sometimes one gets the crazy feeling that the major media are out of touch with the American public.