The Week That Perished

September 10, 2017

Multiple Pages
The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Artificial, Superficial, and Prejudicial Headlines

Without borders there is no nation, which is why those who oppose American borders obviously despise the American nation. While celebs yip and yap all over online media about how we should be caring and accepting and embracing of the world’s huddled, shivering, worm-shitting masses, one rarely, if ever, sees them offering a spare bedroom or two to accommodate the squirming billions who seek refuge in America because their own nations are a howling testament to collective failure.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu is a swaggering, blustering, morally flatulent ethno-nationalist who enjoys the sweet rhetorical privilege of never having the mainstream press refer to him as a “Jewish supremacist.” For years, the Israeli state has been a-hootin’ and a-hollerin’ and blowing an ear-splitting shofar about the fact that it wants to eject the nation’s unwanted and openly despised African migrant population like a dog scratching a flea off its balls with its rear claws.

Last week, Bibi burped about the fact that Israeli officials weren’t kicking the unwanted Africans out of his country with enough speed and ferocity. He says he has established a “special ministerial committee” to expedite a final solution for Israel’s African problem:

The main purpose will be to return the neighborhoods to their local residents and to deport illegal infiltrators from Israel whose place is not here, just as we have deported around 20,000… [who] were not refugees. A very small number of them are refugees. They are illegal infiltrators [who are looking] to find work in the State of Israel and we have the right like any nation to guard our borders and to remove from our borders whoever entered illegally.

In a shocking turn of events, the American press did not refer to Netanyahu as a Nazi.

“Do residents of Gomorrah secretly resent that no deviant acts were ever named after their town?”

Fourteen hundred miles away from Israel in Hungary, Prime Minister Viktor Orban—who is emerging as a prime contender to snatch Vladimir Putin’s long-held title of The Man With The Biggest Balls In Europe—sent a letter to pervy-looking EU President Jean-Claude Juncker insisting that his nation neither wants nor deserves refugees:

Hungary is not an immigrant country, does not want to become an immigrant country and cannot accept being forced to change this….[Hungary] has no colonial past….If instead of defending our borders, the European Commission is willing to finance solely measures and organisations that aim to facilitate the admission of migrants, then we will only give incentives to hundreds of thousands of migrants who wish to move to Europe, instead of curbing migration….

Orban says that many other European leaders agree with him but are terrified to admit it publicly. That seems to be very common these days—that whole thing about agreeing with people but being terrorized into silence. Someone should really do something about that. The situation has become so tyrannical that some would suggest a violent overthrow is the only possible solution; many would agree but would, of course, be terrified to admit it publicly.

Although we have no way of proving it, we suspect that Dennis Rodman may have given herpes to more human beings, male and female, than any superstar athlete in world history. He is known and loved around the planet for once declaring himself bisexual and married himself while wearing a wedding gown. He is also beloved for kicking TV cameramen in the groin and head-butting NBA officials.

Now the former NBA star is holding out his giant bony hand and offering to pull the world back from the brink of nuclear disaster. As the only American celebrity who is having a bromance with North Korean super-duper supreme leader Kim Jong-un, Rodman is offering to act as a peacemaker between the diminutive communist saber-rattler and the much taller American President Donald “Fuck Your Feelings” Trump.

If there’s a God in heaven, please listen to our prayer: We beseech thee to get Dennis Rodman, Kim Jong-un, and Donald Trump together in a plush mansion on a tropical island to film a twelve-week reality TV show—the ratings for the final episode, in which it will be revealed whether the planet is reduced to a smoking crater, will possibly be even higher than the “Who Shot J.R.?” episode of Dallas.

Twitter has banned a woman who calls herself “The Activist Mommy” for criticizing a recent instructional article in Teen Vogue called “Anal Sex: What You Need to Know.”

Highlights from the educational essay targeted at non-adults include:

The anus is full of nerve endings that, for some, feel awesome when stimulated….The anus is very tight, and the feeling of having something in your rectal area is unique. It is often described as a feeling of fullness, which can be delightful….That being said, yes, you will come in contact with some fecal matter. You are entering a butthole. It is where poop comes out. Expecting to do anal play and see zero poop isn’t particularly realistic. It’s NOT a big deal. Everyone poops. Everyone has a butt.

Activist Mommy felt this was an inappropriate article for people who are legally still children. On Twitter, she used the word “sodomy,” which is often used in a book called “The Bible” to describe putting penises inside the place where poop comes out. She got into a brief flame war with Teen Vogue editor Phillip Picardi—who bears a passing resemblance to flamboyant theatrical assistant Carmen Ghia from Mel Brooks’s 1968 masterpiece The Producers—who responded with a picture of a gay man sucking face with a black man while giving the finger to the camera.

In a sane world that isn’t ruled by Gay Martians, Picardi’s picture would be deemed objectively ruder and more hateful than Activist Mommy’s corny comments about sodomy. But we live in a Fag-ocracy, which is why Mommy was banned from Twitter while Picardi remains.

By the way, do residents of Gomorrah secretly resent that no deviant acts were ever named after their town?

The furry community is a demented and easily mocked group of adults who should know better than to dress up as cartoon animals for sexual satisfaction without expecting people to laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh at them.

In Milford, CT, Democratic councilman Scott Chamberlain was recently shamed into resigning after it emerged that he had a profile on as a furry fox named “Gray Muzzle.” Chamberlain’s profile also stated that he “tolerates” rape. It’s unclear whether he meant that he tolerates being raped, in which case consent is implied and then it really isn’t rape, anyway. And although Chamberlain also wrote what he calls a “soap opera” that includes furries in sexual situations, he says that his fetish has “nothing to do with sex; it’s an interest in cartoon animals.”

Well, yeah, but it’s an interest in cartoon animals having sex.

There have been so many eye-gouging, weave-tugging brawls at Popeyes Chicken establishments across the country, one might be forgiven for suspecting that their recipe includes a secret ingredient that makes people violent.

There was this brawl four years ago. And this one two years ago. And this one last year. And this one last month.

Last week in San Marcos, TX, a melee erupted after four vibrant ladies in the drive-thru lane were asked to come into the restaurant because their orders were allegedly too “complicated” to handle over a loudspeaker. It ended in violence, with a nearly eight-months-pregnant manager being assaulted from all sides.

Why is the black community so angry with Popeyes? It seems to provide a much-desired service for them. And it’s not like Popeyes is trying to sterilize black America like Church’s Fried Chicken was accused of doing.

After being convicted of rape and sentenced to life in prison in 1995, a British father of three named Martin Ponting decided he was actually a woman named Jessica Winfield. British taxpayers were soaked to the tune of £10,000 to medically enable Ponting’s gender delusion. We actually aren’t sure what sort of work Ponting had done under the hood, but he allegedly still has a penis. Now 50, he had been moved to Europe’s largest female prison, where he was recently placed into a segregation unit “after making unwanted sexual advances on inmates.”

Pink News—a website by and for gaybirds, gayrods, lezzies, and clam-diggers—was not offended by anything we’ve just told you. Instead, they found the Daily Mail’s treatment of the story to be downright “horrifying” since it dared to use Ponting’s “deadname”—i.e., the name he was given at birth when they correctly assigned his gender at birth—and also referred to him as a “father,” even though he is literally a father.

Lawdy help a world in which the truth is offensive.

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