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The Week That Perished

October 08, 2017

FIGHTING THOUGHTCRIMES ON COLLEGE CAMPUSES
Over the years, due to the pervasiveness of institutional racism and white privilege, the University of California-Berkeley has narrowed the scope of its curriculum to teaching that white people are evil and anyone who disagrees is a Nazi who deserves to be punched.

It seems that no one informed Berkeley’s white professors about this, and they are learning the hard way. As economics professor Harley Shaiken was attempting to administer a midterm exam, a gaggle of Students of Color began loudly protesting the test rather than calmly sitting down and attempting to test like pros. According to one exceedingly articulate student:

I don’t know why you’re still, like, sitting down, y’all. I don’t understand. I really don’t understand. Y’all can take your fucking test, but people are dying out there.

True, but who’s killing them, and why are you terrified of ever having that discussion?

Another protestor accused the students who only wanted to sit down and take the goddamned test of supporting “white supremacy,” which apparently is manifested most humiliatingly in the fact that white test scores are routinely superior to those of blacks and Hispanics.

At William and Mary College, a planned discussion about the First Amendment by an ACLU representative was shut down by Black Lives Matter supporters who blocked the stage and began chanting inanities such as LIBERALISM IS WHITE SUPREMACY and ACLU, YOU PROTECT HITLER, TOO! and THE OPPRESSED ARE NOT IMPRESSED and BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS and SHAME, SHAME, SHAME, SHAME for a frickin’ hour until the speaker gave up.

Finally, at Michigan State University, what was initially reported as a “noose” that was hung to intimidate minority students turned out to only be a shoelace that someone had hung on a doorway hoping to reunite it with the person who’d lost it.

THE GREAT ZIMBABWEAN UNDERWEAR SCANDAL
Since seizing power in 1980, Zimbabwe’s President Robert Mugabe has overseen a wondrous transformation of the once downtrodden European colony into an African paradise where the nominal per-capita GDP is less than $3 a day, one of every six adults is HIV-positive, the average life expectancy is around 43, and people who murder white farmers will not be prosecuted. Mugabe is also famous for saying, “The only white man you can trust is a dead white man.”

His wife Grace Mugabe—who is jockeying for power to assume her husband’s position once the 93-year-old dictator with the Hitler mustache finally croaks—was recently accused by a reporter of handing out used underwear to members of the nation’s ruling party. As retaliation, journalist Kenneth Nyangani was arrested and jailed. The Mugabes are quite open about encouraging the mass extinction of their nation’s foolhardy remaining white population, but don’t you EVER accuse them of distributing hand-me-down tighty-whiteys.


Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.

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