Taki's Mag

The Week’s Most Inspirational, Sensational, and Confrontational Headlines

PSYCHOSIS ON THE POTOMAC
Washington, DC, currently in a state of partial suspended animation because the right hand and the left hand can’t agree on an acceptable level of pickpocketing, hosted two displays of high-profile public psychosis by private citizens last week.

On Thursday a 34-year-old female dental hygienist and “single mom” from Connecticut, described by a surviving sister as a “vibrant woman [who] had a lot of dreams and aspirations,” attempted ramming her car through a White House barricade. She then led police on a high-speed chase toward Capitol Hill, at which point she was felled by one of the 17 or more bullets police fired into her car. According to reports, Miriam Carey was receiving psychiatric medication for postpartum depression and fell under the impression that Barack Obama was stalking her. Her one-year-old daughter was rescued from the car without injury.

On Friday afternoon a still unidentified man doused himself with gasoline on the National Mall and set himself ablaze before joggers put out the flames. He died of his injuries on Saturday.

Both Miriam Carey and the self-immolator were black, leading to speculation that the government shutdown is setting the scene for a wide-ranging black revolt if the feds don’t continue enabling African American failure and dysfunction with endless wellsprings of free money.

JESUS: THE WORLD’S FIRST TWEETER?
A Vatican cardinal says that Jesus was the “world’s first tweeter,” citing the Prince of Peace’s short, pithy, and eminently quotable epigrams.

Phil Robertson, alpha human of the Duck Dynasty clan, says that until he made a stink about it, the show’s producers had routinely edited out all instances where cast members would mention Jesus.

A “heavy-metal-themed Chicago burger joint” is facing a backlash (and a wave of free publicity) for featuring a cheeseburger topped off with an unconsecrated communion wafer.

TV host Bill O’Reilly, apparently fully redeemed from his sexual-harassment scandal of a few years ago, claims the Holy Ghost was a ghost writer for his new book, Killing Jesus.

A school in Ohio has agreed to pay $95,000 to settle an ACLU lawsuit charging them with the sin of hanging a Jesus picture on school premises.

MUSLIMS AGAINST WORLD-FAMOUS HOMOSEXUALS
A Russian imam is protesting Elton John’s scheduled December concerts in his country. Imam Seidzhagfar Lutfullin calls Elton “a world-famous homosexual” who is doing “the devil’s work in the shape of a pederast.” He also accused Elton John of promoting sodomy, and, really, who could argue?

Mark Basseley Youssef, whose film Innocence of Muslims was falsely blamed for the Benghazi debacle, has been released from a halfway house after a stint behind bars for bank fraud. He says he doesn’t blame the Obama Administration for arresting him although he intends to continue propagandizing against the “Muslim death culture.”

A former Texas “party girl” turned Muslim convert claims that an Islamophobic staffer at TGI Friday’s intentionally stuffed bacon bits into her drink straw, which, as everyone knows, seriously vexes Allah.

JEWS IN THE NEWS
In a surprising and unprecedented development, last week many Jews were complaining that the world is anti-Semitic. This sudden and unexpected trend follows closely on the heels of two incidents from the week before last: the international court at The Hague sentencing the producer of anti-Semitic T-shirts to two years in prison and a Jerusalem Post commentator warning that there’s a “tsunami of anti-Semitism sweeping through Western Europe.”

A Council of Europe resolution deemed the circumcision of male infants to be “a violation of the physical integrity of children.” In turn, this was deemed “a sign of anti-Semitism” that is “fostering hate and racist trends” and “sends out a terrible message to European Jews that our practices, and therefore our very presence on this continent, are treated with disdain.”

Bill de Blasio, likely the next mayor of New York City, was accused by a scribe at Front Page magazine of being a “supporter of Anti-Semitic Marxist terrorists” because he aided and abetted Sandinista rebels back in the 1980s.

The Oklahoma-based retail chain Hobby Lobby was accused of anti-Semitism when a prying shopper in New Jersey noted that they sold Christmas supplies but bupkis for Chanukah.

Muddying the eternal debate on whether Jews are members of a religion or an ethnic tribe, a recent poll found that nearly a quarter of American Jews do not identify with any religion. One pundit opined that recent polling trends indicate there is “no such thing as a typical Jew.” And a Pew Research poll reveals that 82% of white Protestant evangelical goyim—as compared to only 40% of American Jews—believe God gave Israel to Jewish people.

CRIME: MADONNA RAPED AT KNIFEPOINT! (35 YEARS AGO)
Lifelong exhibitionist and part-time pop singer Madonna revealed in a lengthy article for Harper’s Bazaar that she was raped at knifepoint on a rooftop shortly after moving to New York City in 1978.

Proving yet again that it’s never a good idea to text while stoned, an idiotic New Jersey drug dealer allegedly set up a marijuana deal with a cop by sending a message to a police officer by mistake.

Las Vegas urologist Avi Chaim Weiss stands accused of intentionally squirting scrotal fluids from a 76-year-old patient “into the air and onto others multiple times.”

A large and loosely affiliated gang of black and Hispanic bikers whose members harassed, chased down, and eventually beat an SUV-driving Asian man in front of his wife and two-year-old daughter in Manhattan on the morning of September 29 reportedly contained at least five off-duty NYPD officers. One biker suffered a broken spine after being run over by the SUV and has retained the bloodthirsty walking case of vagina dentata known as Gloria Allred for counsel.

In what is believed to be a suicide pact, four people—two of them facing child-pornography and molestation charges, and the other two implicated—drove to a wooded area in northern Alabama and killed themselves.

FORBIDDEN WHITE VAGINAS
A joint production of The Vagina Monologues between Columbia University and Barnard College has announced that only “self-identified women of color” need audition. Apparently the problem with white vaginas is that they retain their whiteness and thus the horrid stench of privilege and colonialism.

A group of 200 or so Mormon women seeking to change their faith’s ban on female priests was refused entry to an all-male conference on Saturday. Rubbing salt in their mucus membranes was Kathryn Skaggs, a dutiful female blogger who refers to herself as “A Well-Behaved Mormon Woman.”

GIANT STINGERS AND BIG FEET
Forty-two people in China are dead and at least 1,600 are injured due to attacks from Vespa mandarinia, AKA the Asian giant hornet, the dreaded massive “yak-killer” whose venom can dissolve human tissue.

The Sasquatch Genome Project has concluded a five-year, $500,000 study of alleged Sasquatch DNA by announcing that, once and for all, Bigfoot is real.

QUIT YOUR WINING
Spain’s Castilla-La Mancha province is renowned worldwide as a fertile area for grape and wine production. Over the centuries, countless grapes have been crushed underfoot and under manmade machine power in the pursuit of vino. Now comes news that the grapes have gotten at least partial revenge—an estimated 5.5 tons of grapes have crushed a winery worker to death.

 

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